This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to real people or places is purely coincidence.

Content warnings for transphobic laws restricting transition of minors, accidental and at request misgendering and deadnaming, and separation of a trans girl from her parents simply because she is trans and they support her.

For my Uncle Scott, may you rest in peace

Sunday:

Josh! Karen! We need to get going! We’ve got to catch our flight I heard my mom call from outside my room, and we still need to drop you off!

Im coming I heard Karen call from her room

Do you really have to go? I called back

My mom laughed, we love you kid, but we need a break for just the two of us

Yeah, I guess I get it, go do mushy stuff away from us

My mom laughed, yes

I groaned loudly, do we have to stay at Grandma’s? Cant we just stay here? We are both 13 already! We’ve stayed home alone over night! I promise to make sure Karen stays out of trouble

Karen laughed at me, and I promise to make sure you stay out of trouble brother of mine, but come on, you like Grandmas! her community’s got that really great pool! And she’s the best she said turning to smile at me

Dad said, look, we trust you, but accidents can happen and it would be better if there was an adult around, just in case and we will be gone for a week and a half

Meh I grumbled as I hauled my bag out to the van

Dad grabbed our bags from us and tossed them in the back of the van on top of his and mom’s for their cruise, while Karen and I did rock paper scissors for the back bench of the van for the 40 minute trip across town to Grandma’s, I lost and grumped as she triumphantly flopped in the back. I got in the middle seat behind Mom who had gotten in the drivers seat and was going down one of her many checklists.

Everyone ready? My dad called back as he got in the van after shutting the back door

Karen called YUP! from the back seat

I grunted out a yeah from the middle, and shoved my headphones on and pressed play on my music player, not particularly enjoying my parens taste in ancient country comedy ballads.

Slowly various familiar city backgrounds flashed by, first one highway, then the next, then a back road shortcut mom often took, then back on a highway for a bit and finally we arrived at Grandma’s community, as we pulled up to the gate mom leaned out and waved a fob at it, and the gate opened slowly. I pulled my headphones off, thankfully the musical was over and they were just chatting about things.

I watched as mom navigated the maze that was Grandma’s community, knowing all these turns myself, finally pulling up outside of Grandma’s place, and she came bounding out of the house having been alerted when we came in the gate to our arrival.

I opened the slider and got out, and went right to the back to open the gate, and Grandma came over and hugged Karen as she climbed out of the back

Oh you’ve gotten so big! Im sure both of you would rather be at home

Karen laughed, Josh certainly would!

And what can you do there that you cant do here?

Have privacy for one thing I grumbled as I helped dad unload the bags

Oh come on, I’ve got a guest bedroom for each of you, you know that, you can hide in there all you want, and I know kids your age need privacy, I never was a snoop!

Dad laughed, yeah, or I would’ve been in sooo much trouble

Just because I didn’t snoop, doesn’t mean I didn’t know things grandma laughed, you think I didn’t notice your brief obsession with air freshener?

Dad laughed, fair enough

I had heard this story, and all the others all before, not like there were any new ones really, picked up my backpack and bag and headed towards the house

Grandma asked as I passed, any interest in a hug?

No, not really I said

Ok she said as I went on inside

I could just see in my mind the looks being exchanged between my parents and her. She took no for an answer, which was better than it could’ve been, but she definitely had ways she thought we should be and well, I wasn’t that way.

I hauled my stuff in to the back bedroom I usually used, dropped my bags on the floor and hopped on the bed with my phone and scrolled through a social media account they let me use, but had strict rules on, starting with we had to let them follow us, at least for a couple years.

I heard the rest of them come in side chattering away, my parents had to leave soon but I knew them, they would also want to give one last speech before heading out.

JOSH I heard mom call, come say goodbye

I sighed and rolled my eyes and rolled back off the admittedly nicer than my own bed

Bye I said, see you in a week and started to turn around

Now come on, just hear us out, I know you are both good kids and wont give your grandma any trouble, but I really do hope you have a good time this week too without your annoying parents around.

Yeah, ok, sure, whatever I mumbled

Thats the spirit mom said, and came over and offered me a hug and I shook my head and she relented as well. They headed out the door and I threw them a bone by going to the door and waving as they pulled out of the drive way.

As we shut the door, SO, what do you two want to get up to this week? We’ve not had a week alone together in years!

I grumbled, hide in my room and play games on my phone all week.

Karen, ever the more energetic of us, ooh, I want to do sleep over stuff! play silly games and maybe a makeover? and watch romcoms

I pretended to gag as I headed back to my room for the week

You don’t have to join us Josh, but I do wish you would be kind about what your sister wants, and if there are things you want to do this week I would hope your sister would return that kindness.

Enjoy your makeovers ladies I mumbled and closed the door.

I could hear whispering outside but decided it wasn’t worth listening in, we had eaten lunch just before we left so I was good for several hours til supper time. I browsed my social media feed, I was careful in who I followed, my parents could see, but they couldn’t see private lists and I doubted they knew about them. I however got somewhat upset pretty quickly, the world was terrible and there wasn’t anything I could do about it, and this state among the worst. I closed it and went to playing some mindless puzzle game.

We had eaten lunch before leaving the house, so I had time to kill. I got bored and put the phone down and rolled over and took a nap.

I awoke to my grandma gently knocking on the door, it’s about supper time, do you want to join us in figuring out what we want to do?

I rolled over and realized I was hungry, coming grandma I said, I grabbed my phone and stuffed it in my pocket and came out of the bedroom

The table had all manner of stuff on it, bottles and mirrors and brushes and my sister indeed was made up as was grandma, I felt a twinge of jealousy but tried my best to conceal it from them

What do you say we go somewhere fancy? grandma asked, your sister and I got all made up and it’s a shame to waste our good looks at home

I knew what grandmas idea of fancy was, an all you can eat crab buffet place nearby, but it did sound good… sure, that sounds nice

Do you want to change?

Nope, don’t have any fancier clothes than this. I said

Ok, well get your shoes on and let’s go

I grabbed my shoes and jammed them on my feet and we headed out and got in grandmas convertible Mini Cooper, I volunteered for the back seat, which was tiny but I could sprawl a bit sideways with only 3 of us.

We got to the crab shack and we were seated at a table quickly by the hostess, and I let my sister and grandma sit on the bench and took the chair facing away.

Eventually a waitress came over and immediately recognized grandma

Hello Mrs Gilchrist! and who are these lovely girls with you, and I was briefly confused but felt my face flushing and did my best to calm down before anyone noticed. I should be used to it by now, I liked my hair longer and my parents didn’t care, and I got mistaken for being a girl from behind sometimes, especially with my sister around

This is my granddaughter Karen and my grandson Josh, Sarah

Oh! My apologies!

I mumbled an s‘okay

And lovely to see you again Sarah, hope your moms doing ok

She’s doing great, thank you for asking! What can I get for you all tonight?

Just one senior buffet and… is 13 too old for the children’s buffet?

I saw Sarah wink at my grandma, if anyone asks, just say they’re twelve

Grandma winked back, gotcha, Then two children’s buffets

I felt my jaw go a bit wide as I looked at grandma in surprise, I had never seen my parents or Grandma do anything like that

Close your mouth Josh, flies’ll get in Grandma said laughing, you should’ve seen me the first time my mom did it with my own kids with me there, its fine,

Sarah asked, and what do you want to drink?

Sweet tea for me grandma said,

Same for me said Karen

Coke I said

Ok! will get those right up and go ahead to the buffet!

While we were going through the buffet picking up things, including crab, my sister caught me close one moment, and whispered, did you blush when she mistook you for a girl?

Just embarrassed for her making that mistake I said coolly

We may not have gotten the psychic link some twins get, but I know you brother, somethings been up for awhile, you know you can talk to me, right?

Nothing’s up I said getting a bit hotter and louder, leave me alone

Ok she said backing off, I do care you know

Yeah, I said, I know.

Grandma wandered our way, you two ok?

Yup! Karen chirped up, just conferring on the best desert options

We took our plates back to the table, where Sarah had already set our drinks down

So what did you decide was the best desert option?

Oh german chocolate cake for me Karen said

Probably a custom sunday with sprinkles I said

Ooh, both of those sound good, and I saw some key lime pie that’s got my name on it, hmm yummy grandma said and made a cheesy chefs kiss gesture

We ate, we all had some crab, which takes a lot of work to get at but I won’t deny this place had pretty good crab, and we all had a few other things, we chatted somewhat amiably about plans, no I didn’t plan to hide the whole week, yes I would go to the pool at least a couple days, and I did like playing dominos which was popular with my family.

I tried to keep my mind from wandering any time Sarah came over to check on us, or to bring us the check. I just had to survive til I was 18, and then I could escape somehow.

Grandma put the top up for the drive back to her place which made the back more than a bit cramped feeling, but it had gotten cooler as it got dark.

We arrived back at her place and went inside, Karen quickly packed away the makeup and stuff and I tried not to watch, and I picked out a movie to put on. I picked out Monsters Inc, which we all enjoyed and wasn’t some mushy rom com.

We played dominos during it, Grandma won, Karen came in a close second while I had had terrible luck. I wished them goodnight and went to get ready for bed, I hauled my stuff in to the guest bath next to my room and noticed on the shower ledge was some girly body wash. I set it outside the shower somewhat reluctantly and used my things, extremely generic brands that didn’t go in for men vs women marketing and used neutral scents if any at all.

When I came out in my pajamas, Karen had already used the other bathroom to shower and was in a nightie and her hair up in a towel which was perhaps a bit odd for her, curled up on the couch with grandma looking at photos on her tablet.

Night I said

Going to bed so soon? Grandma asked

It’s been a long day and I think I just want to sleep

Well ok, goodnight! We will try not to be too noisy

Aww, no dance party? Karen asked

Grandma laughed, maybe with headphones on?

I groaned and went to my room and shut the door.

Fortunately even if they had done a dance party on the stereo I wouldn’t have cared, I was a fast and deep sleeper and I’ve been told when I was 4 I slept through a category 4 hurricane without a peep.

---

Monday:

Sleep was not without dreams though, and dreams were one of the few places I could at least not fear others would know when I explored who I was.

I was awoken by grandma knocking gently on the door at 9am, Josh, you want to get up? Have some breakfast?

I jerked awake, I was hungry and I could smell the food, Grandma had made pancakes for us, and she was very good at it. I quickly got up and joined Karen who was already at the table eating, good morning I grumbled at her

Good morning! She said cheerily

Grandma piped up as she brought me over a plate, don’t believe it for a minute, she woke up only about 10 minutes ago and was just as grumbly as you are

Haha I laughed

So what are you two rugrats gonna get up to today?

Well I thought we might hit the pool in the afternoon? When it’s nice to cool off? And this morning I’ve got a craft project I’ve been working on, Karen said

Sounds fine to me, I said, I’ll probably just be reading this morning

Oh, whatcha making and whatcha reading?

I’m working on a crochet stuffed animal!

Just a sci fi novel

Sounds wonderful, want any help with the stuffed animal? I’ve been crocheting since before your mom met your dad

I might like some help when I get to assembling it, I’ve still got a few pieces left to go before assembly, and I’m making good progress on it

Sounds good, also, Josh, if you run out of reading material of your own I’ve got quite a stash of sci-fi in the living room bookshelves, nothing too new, but some of the classics are worthwhile

Thanks grandma I said, I retreated to my room to lay on the bed reading.

It was actually sci-fi, but it was definitely not some militaristic, sexist ‘classic’ sci-fi, the protagonist was a queer anti-heroine on the run after her homeworld found out who she really was.

The morning progressed and we ate a light lunch of sandwiches and chips, and while Grandma was in her bedroom doing something, Karen and I proceeded to get ready to hang out at the pool, just the two of us, the community was pretty lenient so long as we weren’t too wild. I mostly intended to swim some laps… except… I realized was missing my swim trunks… I could’ve sworn I had put them back in the to go bag for swimming I had thrown in, but while I had my towel, goggles and cap, I lacked any actual trunks.

I came out of the bedroom, to see Karen already changed and wearing a cover that she could just take off and hop in the pool, I said, won’t be joining you, have a nice afternoon

Wait, why? She asked puzzled, I thought you wanted to?

Forgot my trunks, must have left them at home

Ugggh she said, just a second

She came back holding a pair of her cotton shorts that were a mix of blue and green flowers

I can’t wear those I said

Why, because they are girls shorts?

Well, yeah, but also remember them yelling at that kid last time for wearing cotton shorts?

It will be fine! no one will notice at a distance

Grandma came in the living room hearing the commotion, whats all this

Josh forgot his swim trunks, Im offering him a pair of my shorts that kind of look like trunks

I think you can pull them off Josh, should be fine! so long as they don’t turn translucent when wet

They shouldn’t! I wore them out in the canoes at summer camp last month, they were fine when we tipped

I… I guess… I can try them I said, reluctantly taking them from my sister and retreating to the bedroom. I shut the door, I had read stories, I knew how the idea made me feel, I never cared for my own clothes, in truth, I had no idea where my trunks even were because I didn’t care, the only place I went swimming was here usually anymore. I took off my cargo shorts and decided to leave my underwear on and slid the shorts up my legs and looked in the mirror in the room.

oh, wow I said quietly to myself, loving it, but I was so anxious, this wasn’t the plan. The plan was to get to 18 and flee.

I called out, I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do this, they… they don’t look right

Do they fit? Karen asked

Yeah…

Well then come out and show us Josh, Im sure its fine Grandma said

I cracked the door and peeked out, they were waiting back from the door a respectful distance, and then I stepped out

Karen said they look fine Josh, come on! let’s go!

They look lovely dear Grandma said, you two have a nice time at the pool! And don’t cause any trouble!

We won’t! Karen called while I followed meekly behind carrying my bag with my towel, goggles and cap

It wasn’t that far to the pool, only a couple blocks, it was already quite warm out

Are you ok brother of mine? You are acting awfully strange over some shorts

What if someone figures it out? Ill be humiliated at best

No one’s gonna notice or care, at least if you don’t act suspiciously nervous, no need to draw any attention to yourself

I… guess you’re right

Are you sure you are ok? Do you want to talk? Honest you can tell me anything

I was behind her thankfully, so she couldn’t see my face cracking, as I tried to keep my voice calm to rapidly respond, no, nothing to talk about Karen

We got to the pool and waved the fob we had gotten from Grandma at the gate and went in. There was a life guard on duty, sitting in his chair.

Karen found a pair of lounge chairs that were unoccupied and we put our stuff on them, and she quickly took her cover off and hopped in the pool, immediately swimming off, I set my stuff down and sat down and slowly took my sandals off, and then put my goggles and cap on. I left my shirt on because I hated having it off anywhere public anymore. Karen knew that though and wasn’t surprised when I hopped in and started swimming too.

She and I would race sometimes and sometimes we would trade off being lazy. It was a pretty boring time honestly, we weren’t splashing and playing around, much. After an hour and a half or so of this, the life guard called for everyone out during change over and we got out and walked over to our stuff.

As he got off the chair, I saw the new life guard, a young woman, not too many years older than my sister and I I thought she looked nice, and I saw her sling her backpack under the chair and climb right up on to it, where she called ok! everyone can get back in.

We swam for another hour or so, much more lazily this time, and with a bit more games and tomfoolery, but never even coming close to the line. As we got out, we had to pass the lifeguard chair to get to our stuff on the lounge chairs, and I saw a scrap of cloth in colors I knew all too well and was surprised but didn’t say anything or let my gaze linger. However as I turned back forward continuing on, I saw her look at me, raise an eyebrow that immediately went back down and she immediately turned and locked her eyes on the pool.

We quickly dried off as best we could, there were changing rooms but we both preferred to finish drying off on the walk to Grandmas and change

Karen was in a good mood, she liked swimming, I was just tired, I walked home in silence but she was practically skipping along. Was she an ally? Was she perhaps, like me? No way to know.

About halfway home Karen asked, I saw you looking at the lifeguard, I bet you think she’s cute

I blushed, she saw it, I knew it!

I mean, yeah, she was cute, but Ill never see her again, so whats the point, also who knows how much older she is

Well we could go back tomorrow and see if she shows up again!

I don’t know, we’ll see, I still don’t have trunks

We could see if Grandma would take us to Target or something?

I mean, Im sure she would, but I hate shopping

Could always wear my shorts again?

I mean, maybe? they weren’t as bad as I thought and no one got upset at me about them, we turned to walk up the front Grandma’s place, Ill think on it ok Karen?

Sure!

Grandma greeted us as we came in, welcome back kiddos! Did you have a good time at the pool?

Yes grandma we said in chorus

Who was on lifeguard today?

It was an older guy at first and then a young woman with brown hair Karen said

Oh that’s Jessica! Next door neighbor’s granddaughter, lovely girl

She was quite cute Karen chimed in, I think Josh fell in to an instant crush

I blushed hard, it’s not like that, she’s just cute and that’s it, I’m going to change and wash off.

I went to the bedroom and got my dry clothes and went to take a shower to rinse the chlorine off. I tried to keep from breaking down crying in the shower, and I somewhat succeeded, I only let a few tears come out. Before long I was drying myself off and I did as I sometimes did lately and wrapped my towel around my chest briefly, before nearly crying again. No. I had to be strong and wait I thought and tore it off. I got dried off and put on dry clothes and took my wet ones to Grandmas washer & dryer where Karen was already loading hers in.

Hey brother she said as she looked up at me. Whoa, are you sure you’re ok? Your eyes are red

Just some shampoo got in my eyes. I’ll be fine.

Should go back to No More Tears if you are gonna be getting it in your eyes

I laughed and we went back in to the living room and sat down on the couches with Grandma. So what do you kids want to eat? And don’t say McDonald’s!

KFC? I offered

Karen chimed in, ooh, yes! KFC! can we please?

You kids and your fast food… ok…

We piled in grandmas car and we headed out, Karen insisted on letting me have the front seat tonight

So, Josh, you like Jessica?

I dont even know her! come on Grandma

look, emotional connection is great! but you’re young! Nothing wrong with at least admitting she’s cute, you should at least talk to her, I could arrange an introduction! Marge and I are very good friends

We’ll see grandma, Karen is trying to get me to go back to the pool tomorrow

Yer darn right I am!

And you are worried about your trunks still, right?

A bit

Theres a simple fix for that, we will run in and grab some at Target real quick tonight after supper, easy peasy.

Grandma, you don’t have to do that, its fine, I hate shopping anyways

Oh don’t I know it, I hear from your parents about it sometimes

I wasn’t too surprised, either that my parents talked to her about it or that she would admit it. I just, I never find anything I like.

No pressure! if we don’t find something, you can wear Karens shorts again if you want, or stay home, all up to you.

We ate and laughed and talked, and all went to wash our hands after a sticky making meal, and then got back in the mini to hop over to Target. I wasn’t expecting much, Karen wandered off to the girls area while Grandma and I perused the racks in the boys.

And then I saw them. It was impossible, and I did my best to not look at them, hoping my interest didn’t show and that soon Grandma would accept nothing caught my eye and let us just go home. This was not exactly a pride friendly area, the Target’s here didn’t put out the rainbow capitalism sections during June, but this pair of trunks was clearly from the larger collection. It was subtle, large light blue flowers, with bits of pink in their middle on a white background. I wanted them so bad, I mean, they weren’t the swimwear I really wanted, but also, yes I wanted them.

We were just about to leave, and I was carefully avoiding looking anywhere near the rack with those on it, and yet… Grandma somehow knew. Josh, what about these? she said taking a pair off the rack in my size. I know you are avoiding looking at them for some reason. Not like bored disinterested, but actively, directly disinterested.

I blushed and said no quietly and quickly

Come on Josh, you like them, right?

No I said a bit louder hoping no one would notice us

Well I’m gonna get em, they are cute, and if nothing else Karen could wear them over her swimsuit to the pool tomorrow

Whatever I said as we found Karen who ooh’ed at them and she had found a top for herself and Grandma of course let her add it to the basket. We went to the checkout and I said I would wait outside as 3’s a crowd at the registers. Karen started to follow I noticed but grandma held her back

I don’t know what they talked about, but Im sure they talked about something, when I first saw Karen again she had an odd look in her eye as she looked at me that she quickly banished.

I swapped to the backseat for the ride home, and pulled my headphones out and put them in.

I retreated as soon as we got to Grandmas, closed the door and just read. I stayed up late reading, wishing I could be anywhere but here.

---

Tuesday:

I didn’t respond to the knocks in the morning for breakfast. When I finally emerged at almost 11, Grandma simply smiled and handed me a plate of food she had just finished, somehow she always knew exactly when we would be up whenever we visited.

I thanked her, ate quietly and retreated to my room

I heard them muffled voices through the door.

I didn’t really need lunch as I had just ate, and I hoped they would just leave me alone the rest of the afternoon. This had been the hardest 2 days of the last two years, ever since I had figured out who I was. It had been getting harder for awhile, but for some reason the last two days the house of cards I called a life was crumbling more rapidly than I could rebuild it.

A couple hours later Karen knocked on the door, Hey Josh, Im going to go to the pool soon, but I want to talk first

I could hear her over my headphones, I pulled one out. Fine I called.

She came in and shut the door and came over and sat on the bed near the foot

So, Josh, brother of mine, or should I say sister

What the hell are you talking about Karen? I said

I saw the books you packed in your bag, I saw the same bit of cloth that you saw that caused you to wig out about Jessica, I saw the color of the shorts Grandma found that you supposedly don’t like but kept glancing at. I know trans people exist Josh, Im not that ignorant. And I noticed you withdraw from our friendship two years ago, right around the time I got my first training bra.

I am not trans.

Oh come on Josh, you can tell me, honest, I love you, your my very best baby sibling

I’m your only sibling and I was literally born like 5 minutes after you. And theres nothing to talk about.

Why not?

My house of cards crumbled a bit more. Because if I tell you, if i tell anyone, then the damn could burst and I’ll never be able to put it back away and that would be even worse than this. I would want to be me, I would want to tell others, and I can’t, I just can’t, you know where we live. It’s not safe

Tears started forming in the corner of my eyes, it was so close to falling apart

My sister got teary eyed too and came over and gave me a hug, oh sister… she said

STOP, please, Im begging you I said

Ok. Ill stop. I won’t bring it up anymore.

Thank you I said, and I wiped my face and started to put my headphones back in

Do you want to come to the pool with me? You don’t even have to go swimming, just come and laugh at my bad jokes on the way and enjoy some sunshine

Theres too much sunshine in here as it is! I laughed. I started putting the house of cards back together. OK fine, I’ll come with.

I just wore my regular cargo shorts, deciding to forgo swimming.

I found a pair of lounge chairs that would be well shaded most of the afternoon and we set our stuff down, we both did sunscreen and then Karen dove in to the pool.

I sat down and lay back with a book and started reading.

I was a few pages when I heard an unfamiliar voice, hello, mind if I use this chair to store my stuff?

Oh, uh, my sisters here in the pool I said without but glancing in the direction of the voice. But I guess it’s ok

Thanks!

I went back to reading and about an hour later Karen got out for a bit and came over and found a chair nearby to use

You sly dog, gave away my chair to Jessica didn’t you?

I did what now? I said putting my book down

Karen laughed, of course you didn’t notice.

I looked at the pool and indeed, Jessica was out there swimming towards us and then she hopped right without a ladder or anything and came over to her stuff next to us

Jessica, you were right, he absolutely didn’t notice

Jessica laughed, of course not, my brother gets lost in books in the same way

Karen laughed

So uh, when did you two become friends I asked?

Oh when I saw you give away my chair Karen ribbed me.

Fair enough I said and I got up, it’s nice to meet you Jessica

Likewise, also, your sister said she has a pair of trunks for you if you want to join us! I’m having a day off and enjoying being silly in the pool for once

I shot an accusatory look at Karen

She shot one right back that said ‘I said nothing’

I said yeah, grandma bought them for me last night, I didn’t like them.

Karen grabbed her bag from beside me and pulled them out, they are adorable, right Jessica?

Jessica squealed, ooh, did they have a similar pattern for girls?

Not that I saw Karen said

Drat, but those are great Josh, you should join us!

They are too girly

No girlier than what you had on yesterday Jessica said with a giggle

I blushed hard, you noticed, the house of cards started shaking again

Yup!

I forgot my trunks at home

Karen’s shorts at a guess? Jessica asked

Yeah

Naughty, the filters or something, but I guarantee no one else gave it a second thought, I’m just paid and trained to notice everything about the swimmers

Ok you two, I’m going back in, Karen said, Josh it really is ok to join us

I think I will I said smiling weakly

That’s the spirit said Jessica, we’ll be waiting for you in the pool

I hesitated briefly, but took the trunks to the single stall changing room on site and put them on. They weren’t as screaming pride colors as I feared last night, and I did want to swim.

We laughed and played and got a warning whistle from the on duty life guard for splashing and we apologized and laughed and went back at it, albeit gentler

When it was time to get out for the duty change over we sat on our chairs

I decided to just ask her, Jessica, was that, was that a trans pride flag I saw peeking out of your bag?

Karen looked at me shocked that I actually asked, while Jessica just smiled. It was, I didn’t get it tucked away carefully. Was stupid

I don’t know how many people actually know what it is, it’s probably ok

Yeah, but I promised my parents I would be more careful here. I nearly got caught last year

Here?

Oh my grandma lives here, but I’m from SoCal, I come out for summers to life guard and sometimes go to the parks or whatever

Oh I said… are you…?

Am I going to admit to being something this state considers a felony? No I am not, not here she said looking around a bit nervously

My eyes went wide. The house of cards fell about half over and my brain scrambled trying to put it back together.

Oh, right, yeah.

Shall we head back to your place? Less ears on the walk back

Karen and I nodded

Karen was not skipping on the way home this time. We could mostly walk three abreast because the paths were wide for the golf carts some residents used

So you are trans? I practically whispered as we walked

Jessica responded at a more regular volume, yes, I am.

The house of cards had another slump, I had never planned for meeting another trans girl, and definitely not here.

Jessica continued, and you? I saw the book you were reading, its a favorite of mine and a lot of my friends, and your trunks are clearly pride colors

The house of cards had like 3 cards standing at this point.

I… I…

Karen spoke up, it’s ok you don’t have to say it

Jessica nodded, it’s ok, it’s hard, especially here

I can’t say it, I need to survive and I don’t think I will if I say it.

I totally get that, the moment I told my mom I fell apart. You plan on waiting til you are 18 then? Run away to another state and never look back?

I nodded silently

Karen looked surprised

I’m sorry Karen, I wasn’t going to tell anyone, I have plans, I was going to just disappear and not put any of you at risk

We presently arrived on the block with our grandma and Jessica’s grandparents house and the conversation kind of died.

Before Jessica turned up to her place, she told me, those trunks are really cute on you, and no one knew or cared, I’m glad I met you Josh

The words caught in my throat, I… I’m… glad we met too, I guess and then I couldn’t anymore and turned away. It wasn’t fair. The last of the house of cards crumbled and I started crying and left Karen and Jessica standing at the turn towards Jessica’s grandparent’s place and ran up to our Grandma’s and came banging in loudly and openly crying and crashed hard on the bed and jammed my face in to the pillow and screamed and kept on screaming.

Grandma came in and sat down next to me, still in my damp swim trunks on a nicely made bed screaming in to my pillow

Sweetie? What’s up? she asked, patting me on the shoulder. Did Karen do something?

I nodded first yes then no then yes still screaming in to the pillow

Did you fight?

I shook my head no

I heard her whisper not now Karen and I guess Karen must’ve been at the door concerned. I heard her say, I’m sorry Josh before I heard her walking away

Do you want to talk about it? grandma asked quietly. Just us

I shook my head no

You want to just be left alone for a bit?

I nodded yes, my screaming slowly stopping but still sobbing. Ok then grandma said. Please change though, your getting the bedspread all wet

I weakly nodded, and quietly said ok muffled in to the pillow

Grandma got up and shut the door behind her.

It took me another 5 minutes before I could compose myself enough to take off my trunks and t-shirt, and put on dry ones, and I set the wet ones on the tile floor outside the door for later and retreated back in to the room shutting the door.

I collapsed on the bed, tears still leaking out some, and I guess I drifted off to sleep.

I woke to hearing a knock at my door

Josh, sweetie, do you want to eat? I ordered Chinese food and it’s at the front gate, will be here shortly

I sleepily asked, did you get noodles?

Yup I did, remembered you liked that

Did you get chicken of some form?

Yes of course

Ok, be out in a bit I guess I said

Ok sweetie

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, I was still exhausted, but the nap had helped rebuild the house of cards a bit. I sat up and stretched,

I came out of the room a bit unsteady, Grandma was setting the table, and Karen wasn’t in sight

Hiya, you feeling better?

A bit I said

So what was that all about? Did something happen at the pool?

Not really

You want to talk about it more?

No

Well if and when, I’m always here for you, and I love you

I heard the doorbell ring and Karen called out, I’ve got it! and the door open, and her thanking the driver as she took the bags and brought them back to the kitchen

Did you give the tip I put by the door? Grandma asked

Yup! he seemed really happy

Thats good, these no good delivery apps mistreat them something terrible from what I’ve read

Karen set the food on the table and we started unbagging it and we started dishing up a bit of everything, noodles, sesame chicken, some egg rolls, etc and digging in.

It was really good, and conversation was a bit random but thankfully grandma didn’t push further about why I was crying… however, when talking about swimming this afternoon and that I had given in and swum anyways, Karen said we met Jessica today, she was really friendly

Thats great! And what did you think of her Josh?

She was nice I said blushing a bit

we were all eating again and then Grandma exclaimed, I’ve got a great idea, we should have a BBQ, Jessica and her grandparents and us!

Karen exclaimed YES loudly and immediately started babbling ideas

Do you think you would enjoy that? Grandma asked me over Karen’s rambling

I guess… I said

You like Jessica right?

Yeah, sure, I said, a BBQ’s fine I guess

Ok then! Let me call Marge real quick and Grandma grabbed her phone and started searching for her number, while I made faces at Karen

You two be nice to each other Grandma said, and quiet for a moment, its ringing

We could only hear one side of the conversation

Hi Marge! I just learned our grandkids all ran in to each other at the pool today, and I thought maybe since they are all here at once, we should get together and have a little BBQ, the six of us!

Yes, your place is fine, uh huh, ok, yup, no allergies, ok great, see you then! Love you Marge, bye!

Grandma set down her phone, all setup, tomorrow at 6 to give Jessica time to get home from her job life guarding

This will be fun! Karen said

Sounds good I said quietly

We finished eating and Karen picked out Inside Out which I wanted to object to because it felt like a bit of a jab at me, but couldn’t think of a way to express that, and I liked the movie, so we watched it, and I felt like I knew what it was like to have all your core memories tinged blue and then lost, and then I retreated to my room

Shortly after I closed my door I heard a gentle knock, mind if I come in Josh? I heard Karen ask

I rolled my eyes at the ceiling, fine, but don’t expect much

She came in and shut the door, don’t worry, I think Grandma is going to bed early tonight

What do you want Karen? I asked coldly

Look, I really am sorry about this afternoon, I pushed too hard

thank you I said quietly

And at the risk of pushing too far again, do you want to really talk about it any?

I had steeled myself some since this afternoon, I knew Karen wasn’t going to give up, for better or worse she cared about me in her own, persistent, annoying way. I started talking a bit, Im just, so scared. There was a girl at school, she got taken out of class by the authorities, her parents are under investigation and she’s with a foster family

My sister whistled sadly, fuck, I hadn’t heard about that

Caroline? She was lead in the play last year

Oh yeah she was gone at the end of the year, she seemed so happy, to be honest I didn’t even know she was trans

I heard via whispers, confirmed via what little public records I could find

And are you really are just planning to run away?

When the time comes, yeah,

Would you at least let us know?

Maybe? depends on how bad things get between now and then

You think they will get worse?

I guarantee they will

Yeah… Still, there has to be something we could do sooner? What if we told mom and dad? I bet they would support you, and…

And wind up the same as Caroline’s parents?

Maybe we could all move? There has to be some place better than here

Maybe, but I don’t want to count that mom and dad would do that, and what if I tell them and they freak out instead? Send me to some camp, take away things from me, whatever

They wouldn’t do that, would they?

Even with an infinitesimal chance, I just cant risk it.

My sister came a bit closer on the edge of the bed, is it ok if I hug you?

yeah

She hugged me tight and I nearly lost it again, but I kept it together, I couldn’t let it fall apart for another 5 years. Nearly half of my life span thus far still to go. It seemed forever.

Is there anything I can do to help? I could teach you things

I don’t know, living a lie wholly every day seems easier than living half and half.

I think I kind of understand that, but you let me know, ok? And give me like, a heads up if I ever can help

Thanks sis, I think Im going to read a bit before bed, if thats ok

She got up and headed to the door, sure… sis she said before opening the door to leave

No, not even in private I said quietly

Ok

She closed the door behind her. I was even more worried. Karen was a problem solver, she was empathetic to a fault and I knew this must be killing her but I honestly couldn’t see a way out. I picked up my book, oh to be a princess on the run in her very own spaceship I thought. I eventually set the book down and turned out the lights and collapsed in to a very exhausted sleep.

---

Wednesday:

I managed to wake up before Grandma knocked on my door, and I came out a bit bleary eyed to Grandma setting the table with scrambled eggs and bacon, which smelled really good, Oh, thanks Grandma,

You’re welcome darling, glad to see you up a bit earlier today, did you sleep a bit better?

I did, thank you

So what are you two kiddo’s getting up to today?

I’ve finished crocheting bits and getting them stuffed, would appreciate help assembling it, probably go swimming this afternoon

Certainly dear

Im probably just going to finish my book, getting close

And then swimming?

I think Ill pass on that

Oh good, well you can help me with grocery shopping then

I could do that I guess I said

I want to get a couple things to make for side dishes for tonight

Oh, deviled eggs? I asked excitedly

Grandma laughed, yes, my deviled eggs, and I said I would pick up some potatoes to roast and some fixings for them, and its time to pick up my regular bit of groceries anyways

Instead of retreating to my room to read, I decided to just read out on one of the couch’s where it was comfier anyways, Karen and Grandma took the other and were sitting there chattering away as they worked to assemble the animal, and they finished it right before lunch time, and I had finished my book. I couldn’t tell what they had been working on though specifically, I had seen bits of blue but that didn’t mean much, and Karen smuggled it off to her bedroom to hide away before I could see the final product

No peaking! Karen called

I wasn’t going to! I called back

Ok kiddos, sandwiches for lunch?

Sounds good!

We each made our own preferred sandwich, me with peanut butter and jelly, Karen with ham and Grandma made a Bologna sandwich which neither of us could understand in the least. She assured us it was because she was from a different time

Karen got changed and Grandma offered to drop her off before we went shopping, and I got in the back while she got in the front and we got to the pool and she hopped out and waved and said she would see us later. I saw Jessica was already on lifeguard and she caught sight of us and waved and I waved back politely, while I was getting in the front seat

Oh is that Jessica you waved to Grandma asked as we pulled out of the parking lot at the pool

Yeah I said, hoping the blush I felt wasn’t too visible.

Ok kiddo, off to grocery shopping she said heading towards the entrance to the neighborhood

So you like Jessica, right?

I mean, she seems nice

Is she why you came in crying?

I hesitated before answering with a very short no.

Ill take that for a yes

Grandma I just said she wasn’t!

Kiddo, I’ve raised a few kids, I’ve known a lot more growing up, and I’ve got other grandkids, do you think I can’t tell when you are lying?

Yes, ok, but its not her fault

Oh? Yet you were the one crying, and she waved first today… curious

You said you wouldn’t push anymore last night

You are right about that, sorry, I just worry about you, about all my kids, grandkids, and yes even Jessica, I’ve known her a lot of years, she’s been visiting her grandparents out here for a decade

I went silent for the next couple lights

Did she tell you? Grandma asked me at a light

Tell me what?

Who she used to be?

I… kind of… that seemed really private though

It is, and it would be best not to talk about it in public here

Grandma…? I said with a bit of an upswing at the end

I know things kiddo, Im not out of touch, in spite of my ‘advanced’ years, I even recognized that title you were reading today as one she had been reading earlier this year. And I know what colors were on those swim trunks. And I know what this state we call home is like.

We pulled in to the grocery store parking lot, and got out, leaving the top down and grabbing the grocery bags from the trunk. Now kiddo, like I said, thats not a topic for being out in public

Yes grandma I said

Come on, lots of things to get, I forgot just how much teens can eat! She laughed and we went inside and grabbed a cart.

We wandered through the aisles, picking up a mix of necessities for breakfast and lunch, and a couple evening meals. Grandma let me pick out a treat for myself, and grabbed a bag of skittles for my sister, who loved them

As we got back in the car, Grandma said, ok kiddo, anything else you want to say while we have the anonymity of driving in the car?

No, not really

The book?

I just thought the cover looked neat

Uh-huh, ok, well, I said I wouldn’t press anymore, so I’ll leave it at this, you know I’ll always love you, right?

.. Right.. thanks grandma

We mostly just listened to music on the way home, Grandma’s tastes were a bit more rock and roll than my parents, and I liked it

Kansas’s Carry on Wayward Son came on though and suddenly my brain all of a sudden heard a different meaning and stopped singing along and I sat in silence for the rest of the trip. Grandma looked over at me a few times and smiled when a song came on but I ignored them.

We pulled up to the gate and it started opening from grandmas tag on her windshield

We were shortly at her place unloading groceries, I helped haul things in and put them away.

Ok, time to get to making the deviled eggs! Grandma announced, want to help?

I, guess?

Well ok then, get out a pot to boil the eggs from under the stove, and I’ll start getting stuff out for mixing the filling.

I got out the pot while grandma got out a mixing bowl, and various measuring implements. I started to move to fill the pot with water

Wait grandma said, eggs first, then water

Oh, ok

We loaded the eggs carefully in to the pan, then filled it with water and got it on the stove.

Ok, now the reason we don’t start with boiling water is that makes the yolks turn green and we want them to be yellow

Oh, that’s what causes that

Yup!

How come my parents never do it that way?

Because the term ‘boiled eggs’ confuses people

When the water came to a roiling boil, grandma put a lid on it and immediately moved it off the burner and set a timer

Ok, 12 minutes of that and they will be perfect, meanwhile let’s get started on the dip

We started mixing the various ingredients minus the yolks and then the timer dinged

Ok you know what’s next?

We uh, cool them off with water?

Yup!

We drained the still hot water, cracked each egg lightly, then dumped water and ice in the pot to cool them off fast

Once the ice had melted, we drained the eggs again and then set to peeling them. Grandma managed more than me, I hadn’t had done it much, mostly at Easter.

She insisted on handling the knife, and chopped them half, setting them on a deviled egg tray where I worked at scooping out the nicely yellow yolks in to the mix.

Grandma then had me mash them up and finish the mixing and she got out a piping bag and a big tip and loaded the mix in to it. She taught me how to use it and had me fill each one to roughly the same amount

She then got out various things from cabinets and the fridge and we put various garnishes on them, some green bits on some, paprika on others, and bacon on others. In the end we had 2 dozen eggs that looked amazing

We put them in the fridge to chill. She set the timer again for 15 minutes and said we are going to sample that pair with a bit of everything

Oh nice! So that’s what you got the two extra out for

Yup!

We sat down on the couch

You really are a pretty good little cook with a bit of instruction

Thanks I said, Karen and I don’t cook tons, mostly pasta or making sandwiches

And by pasta do you mean mac and cheese?

Yeah

We talked about things my sister and I could try learning to cook here if I wanted to, red sauce, meatballs, goulash and those did sound good

The timer beeped, and we went and had our two with everything and they really were quite good.

So we’ve still got time to kill, what do you want to do?

I think I just want to start my next book

Ok that sounds good, I may take a nap

Enjoy Grandma

I quickly got lost in my book, a sequel to the previous one

Before too long I heard Karen come in the front door

Josh! Grandma! Im back she called

I managed to pull myself out of my book, and put it down, welcome back. I got up to go put my book in my room, and Karen followed me right in

Excuse me I said, did I invite you in?

No… but Jessica and I were talking, maybe we could help you explore a bit tonight?

… no. I need to keep to the plan.

Well think about it, we have what should be a safe and harmless idea

Enough Karen

Ok, ok

We both left my room and Grandma coming out of her room

Welcome back Karen, do you want to get changed before we go over?

Oh! Yes, and she ran off to her room to get dry, non swimsuit clothing.

Ready for tonight?

As I’ll ever be I guess

I’m sure it will be a nice evening for all

Karen came back dressed in a sundress, and it was just about time to go so we started preparing the things we were bringing, I carried the Tupperware box with the deviled eggs, and Karen picked up the bag with potatoes and things for that, and Grandma brought her bag of various sundry things she always took places

We went out the front and down to the sidewalk and back up to Jessica’s Grandparent’s place

Grandma rang the bell, and we waited patiently before we were greeted at the door by Jessica’s grandfather

Well hello there! You must be Karen and Josh, your grandma has told us so much about you, I’m Bill, and my wife Marge is out back and it’s ok to call us that! Jessica does too, that whole respect your elders thing is silly, I’m no more or less deserving of respect because I’m older

Ok… I said sounding unsure

Their house was virtually identical in layout if not finishes to Grandma’s, and Jessica came bursting out of the same bedroom I used, hi Josh! Karen! Come to my room while they sort out supper

Her room was decorated pretty girly, and that flag was hanging on the wall away from the window. Wait what if someone sees that? I asked as soon as the door was shut

It’s fine, no one comes in here but me and I lock it when I’m not around

No other friends here?

Not really, I’m hanging out in a retirement community, no one my age here

So why come here at all? Karen asked

Because I love my grandparents, and I love going to Disney and so do they, and I can make a bit of money lifeguarding

How old are you? I asked

Cheeky, asking a girl her age she laughed, I’m 15

We are thirteen Karen said

Twins?

Yup, but fraternal, not identical I said

But we are pretty close Karen said leaning in next to me grinning. Karen was about a half inch taller than me but her face and build were very similar to mine, for now. I knew what was coming and had already started and my eyes started getting wet but I forced myself to jam it back down

Well you two make adorable siblings Jessica said

Jessica! Karen! Josh! Foods ready!

We all headed back out to join them at the table and enjoyed a lovely meal of burgers, roasted potatoes, and deviled eggs and some green bean casserole.

We chatted pretty lightly, weather, what things Karen and I were interested in. No one brought up gender at all, which was fine by me. This week had been a non stop onslaught on the house of cards that made up my protections, and I knew it wasn’t going to stop and I was already so tired of rebuilding it

After we finished and the adults headed to sit and chat, Jessica once again invited us back to her room

Ok Josh, Jessica said, I know you have said you don’t want to explore, but I’ve got some clear nail polish that isn’t very noticeable

I lost it a bit but I didn’t raise my voice as I didn’t want to attract attention from our grandparents, Of course i want to explore, of course I want to wear nail polish, and try on cute clothes, but I also don’t want to get attached to it knowing that I can’t because its against the law and…

Karen hugged me, it would be ok to try once, I doubt Grandma would get mad even if she saw

I… I need to go the bathroom I said as a stall. I got up and left the room and headed to the bathroom next door, and I noticed the grandparents all shut up the moment our door opened and then I heard a muffled resume of conversation after I shut the bathroom door. That was odd, usually adults did that when they were talking about things they didn’t want to involve kids in. I used the bathroom, taking my time and thinking.

Before I left I popped the door open quietly and the conversation didn’t stop immediately

I heard Grandma saying, so how does she handle it here?

Marge replied She handles it pretty well, admittedly, she’s either with us or at the pool for the most part, and she’s got a lot of experience at blending in.

I’m just really worried about Josh, I don’t even know for certain… and then I quietly shut the door, washed my hands and reopened the door louder and came out

I said hi on my way through

Oh hi Josh, Grandma said, you kids having fun?

Yeah, hope your conversation is good

It is! Thank you for asking

I went back in to Jessica’s room, Welcome back Josh, Karen said

So… Grandma may kind of suspect anyways… we talked some today on the way to get groceries… does she know about you Jessica?

She does, I’ve known her since before I transitioned

Has she ever discussed it?

I mean, its come up a time or two, but she never misgenders me, never deadnames me, Im just a girl to her.

Do… do our parents know about you? asked Karen

Uh, not that I know of, I mean maybe your grandma told them, but I kind of doubt it, she has expressed that she understands how secret it is… If you are looking for permission, Im pretty sure she would be ok with it Jessica said

I, I guess

Nail polish?

Yes, but just that

Ok Josh, come over here and sit on the bed next to me, and Ill get stuff out she said smiling

She pulled a box off her dresser, and sat down and insisted on smoothing my nails up a bit first, they weren’t dirty, but they were a bit ragged and rough she said.

Then she stroked on a clear liquid, and used a little UV light to dry it

So does that mean it will be stuck on there?

Don’t worry, this is a peel off variety, she said to calm me, we can even remove it before you go home

I sat there feeling giddy looking at my nails, sure, guys got manicures sometimes, and even clear polish, but it was the closest I had ever been to my dream. I didn’t do anything that could get me caught.

You like that? Karen asked

I nodded silently

Have you ever done anything like this before? Jessica asked

I shook my head no, and said no, never, not even tried on anything of Karen’s since I was a little bitty kid and I only barely remember that

Oh my god Karen said squealing, I remember that now! we would play house! And you absolutely hated being ‘the dad’ so we would trade off sometimes when the parents weren’t in earshot

I nodded, hoping her excitement hadn’t drawn the attention of the adults. Yeah, but that stopped before kindergarten, even in Pre-K the kids were already segregating and I learned where people thought I belonged quickly

So how did your grandma figure it out? Jessica asked

She uh, she recognized the book I was reading as one you were reading earlier this summer

Oh! Right! I’ve got the sequel if you want

I have it and just started reading it this morning

Do your parents know you read them?

I mean, in a vague sense? Yes, I don’t hide what I am reading generally, but do they pay close attention to the content anymore? Not as far as I know

Did they buy them for you?

We uh, get an allowance on a card, and I bought them off a bookstore site, they know I bought books but it doesn’t tell them what titles

Hrm… we will hope that site doesn’t think its worth reporting, because thats already questionable in this state…

I blinked, I hadn’t thought about that, there were ‘anti propaganda’ laws that had been considered, and started to get upset again

Whoa, hey, Im sure the store doesn’t care, was it an in state store?

No, it was some store in Portland, Oregon I think

Well they wont be turning that info over to Florida certainly Karen said

So what do you think of the books?

I really am enjoying them, I wish I was her to be honest, with a spaceship to just leave all this behind and be myself

They are really fun

Maybe I should read these Karen said

I looked a bit surprised, my sister was not terribly big on reading usually, really?

I mean, maybe it would help me understand better?

It definitely would Jessica said

Well you can borrow book one, I finished it

Thanks Josh!

Conversation took a lighter turn at that point, and for just a moment my brain forgot I was a boy and just enjoyed being a girl in my head if nothing else with my sister and Jessica

And then Grandma tapped on the door, kiddos, time to head home

I looked at my finger nails and whispered, hey, how do I get this off?

It will be fine Jessica whispered, I promise

I looked worried but nodded, but still stuck my hands in my pockets

Ok Grandma, coming we said louder, and we left the room

I heard whispering grandma said raising an eyebrow, what are you all plotting in there?

Nothing grandma! Karen said, honest

Ok she laughed anyways, lets grab stuff and head home

We took home half a dozen deviled eggs, leaving another half for Jessica and her grand parents as leftovers.

We walked home, me holding the deviled eggs while trying to hide my fingernails as best I could

So kiddos, did you have a good time Grandma asked as we came inside

Yes grandma we said in chorus

And you did your nails Josh?

I blinked, uh… yes…

Well Im ok with you exploring, in private, but be careful! This state is terrible and I don’t want you or anyone hurt, and please peel that off before going back out in public

I had had a long day and I had nothing left to put things back together or run the mask and said sullenly, yes grandma… fine, of course

Grandma looked at me, is there something you want to say?

When you say you are ok with me exploring… what do you mean? I asked suspiciously

I mean if you want to try on different clothes or be different here in the house with just us, its fine by me

I blinked, wait what? You are ok with it?

Of course I am, I will love you regardless of who you are or become, what gender, what clothes you wear, where you live, who you love, no matter what

I ran over to grandma and hugged her

Whats this all about? she asked looking down at me as I started to cry

I just, I love you grandma, and Im sorry,

Sorry for what? she asked nicely

I just, am… but Im really tired, can we talk in the morning?

Absolutely sweetie, lets talk tomorrow, a good talk, both of us, or all three of us if needed she said looking over at Karen

I don’t want to butt in if Josh doesn’t want me listening, but I do love you too Josh

I laughed, would be fine if Karen listened in, goodnight grandma I said

Goodnight Josh she replied giving me one last squeeze

I went and got ready for bed, brushed my teeth and admittedly stood there admiring my nails for a brief bit. It really wasn’t much, but my brain was breaking, the house of cards in ruins and I didn’t care to rebuild.

I went to bed happier than I had in a long time, I fell in to a dream filled sleep, with me being chased, but I didn’t care because I was me even if they thought I shouldn’t be and I was laughing and screaming for joy.

Part 2