This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to real people or places is purely coincidence.

Content warnings for threatened and attempted gun violence against a trans person. Parent disowning child and deadnaming. Threatened conversion therapy 'camp.' Not all warnings will apply to all parts.

Sleep was… fitful, to say I woke up well rested would be a lie. I did manage to get up at the right time though and start getting ready for the day. Breakfast saw me spill milk on my pants, and I had to fall back to my second pair of slacks that weren’t in quite as good a shape. I managed to get out the door at what I hoped would be an early enough time. I admittedly was giving myself a significant buffer, as I had learned the only way I could reliably be on time was to give myself extra time…

I got in my car and it started fine and I went out in to the already busy roads, thankfully my apartment was positioned such I didn’t have to go too far, and the interstate section was brief and still flowing ok. I finally got to the office tower that the architect’s office was in, with most of my buffer left. I showed a QR code on my phone to the security guard at the underground parking garage who welcomed me to the building and waved me in. I went down a couple levels until I found an open space, the garage was surprisingly full for so early in the day, and a relatively wide range of cars, there were definitely a lot nicer than my lightly used sedan, but also a lot that were not as nice.

I sat there for a moment, took a breath, gathered my bag, my phone and my water bottle and got out of the car slowly. I followed the signs to the elevators and joined others walking towards them, and found one that lead up to the public lobby. A couple others got on the elevator with me, but most headed to the badge access elevators. As I got out of the elevator the others wished each other a good day and I returned the gesture, it was nicer than I would’ve expected.

I walked across the lobby to a reception desk, and stood in line behind a couple others. When a receptionist was available and waved me over I walked over to her, good morning she said, how can I help you

Hi! My name’s George and Im starting at Kleiner Associates today, I was told I could pick up a badge down here?

Sure, you have your qr code and photo ID?

I do, and I turned my phone around and she scanned with a tablet and I fished out my wallet, do you need this out?

I do, thank you

Sure, I handed over my drivers license, sorry it’s out of state still, Ill get a local one when I can

No worries! See out of states all the time with new hires, she started typing away, can you confirm your new address and date of birth? And I quietly said both of those, and then she was done, and handed me the badge, here’s your badge, your offices occupy the 31st through 34th floor, although I know their reception is on the 31st, so I would start there.

Thanks!

And have a great first day!

I hope so, and you have a good day too.

I went over to the badge gates before the elevator bank and badged in and it beeped and opened the gate and I walked through and joined the queue of people waiting for an elevator. A couple elevators later I was on and I requested 31 from someone closer to the control panel.

This building was tall enough for express and locals, but this was near the top of the first locals, and I had to wait as most of the others got to their floors and got off, and occasionally a few people squeaked in to go up. I glanced nervously at my watch, my lead time had all but been eaten away, not having known how long it would take to get through check in.

We hit every floor from 28 on, finally arriving at thirty one and I was the last person left on the elevator. I sighed, and got off, right in to the lobby of Kleiner Associates, which was very nice

The receptionist looked up as I got off and smiled at me as I approached, hello, how can I help you?

My name’s George, and today’s my first day

Oh! Hi George! I’m Sarah, nice to meet you, been expecting you, Let me buzz your manager real quick to let her know you are here, here’s your office badge by the way, it will also work on the elevators, but the building badge gets you to some other building amenities and the garage.

Im sorry Im a bit late, the elevator was slower than I expected

She laughed, yeah, it can be like that, especially on Monday mornings, pro tip, its often quicker for people in this office to ride an express up to the sky lobby and then a local back down. Also absolutely no worries, this office is pretty good about understanding that sometimes people get in a bit late or have to leave a bit early

Good to know for the future, also good, that was something I had asked in my interviews and was glad to hear, but also wanted to make a good first impression

Its fine!

Suddenly someone came around the corner from the office, and I recognized her, my manager, Oh, hello Mrs Gilchrest! I said and extended my hand, and she took it and shook it

Please George, call me Lydia, so, you ready for your first day? she asked

Im ready Lydia, although a bit nervous, not had a proper office job before

She laughed, you’ll get used to it, anyways come with me and Ill give you the nickel tour before handing you over to HR for all the boring stuff, then we will have lunch, and we’ll get you off to IT and setup with your gear and licenses and such

She showed me the offices, and I would get a shared one, and she introduced me to my office mates, Laura, Frank and Richard, who all seemed nice, and I had met briefly in the interviews, she told me I could put my bag in the lockable drawer in my desk and I took the key with me. She showed me the break room on this floor, the restrooms, and the interior stairway up to the second floor where her office was at.

Ok that’s about it! HR is up on 33, lets take the elevator up

Oh, I said, isn’t that slow?

She laughed, that tapers off really quick, by this time of morning its already pretty quick usually

She pressed the button at the bank of elevators, so, liking the office so far?

It’s great, and the view is amazing I said

It really is, the elevator arrived and we got onboard, and we went up to 33

She got off and led me to a small office, George, this is Kayla, Kayla, George. It’s George’s first day, and needs to go through the last of the paperwork

Sure! Nice to meet you George,

Nice to meet you Kayla, I said politely and shook her hand before sitting down on the other side of her desk.

Ill be back to pick you up for lunch! Should take about exactly the right length of time

Yup! Will see you then Lydia, Kayla said, he’s in good hands.

The paperwork was quite boring, but we chatted some about our backgrounds as we went, it wasn’t an altogether unpleasant experience. I signed various agreements, and she gave me packets of info on the insurance options, retirement plans, equity sharing plans, and on and on. I was feeling honestly a bit overwhelmed by the end of it, and suddenly it was 11:30 and we were finishing the last bit as Lydia knocked on the door, ready to go?

Just about Kayla said, one more signature, I signed and a quick copy was made and I took the copy and she kept the original for the records. Ok, all done Lydia, he’s all yours

Yup! Going to let him drop off the papers and and take him to Mel’s for lunch

Oh swanky, enjoy!

Oh we will Lydia said and we actually took the stairs down to my office, the others already gone to eat, I put the papers on my desk and asked, so what’s Mel’s?

Oh! You don’t know! Mel’s is the upper skylobby restaurant, very fancy, I don’t eat there often, but I make it a point to bring all new hires there for lunch, courtesy of the company

Oh, nice, the elevator arrived and we took the local up to the closer skylobby, and got off and waited on the express up to the upper skylobby. There were a fair number of other people waiting, and we got onboard and rode up mostly in silence. We arrived at the upper sky lobby, and got off and the view out the windows of the taller than average floor was incredible, we walked over to the restaurant entrance, and the maître d' waved as we approached,

Lydia! he called, so good to see you again, another new hire?

She laughed, yup! Graham, I would like you to meet George, George, this is Graham, he’s just the best

Oh stop, he said waving his hand, really, its so good to see you, your table is ready, and he snapped his finger and a hostess came over

Hello, please, come right this way, and I happened to notice as Lydia walked by she extremely discretely slipped Graham what must have been a fair sized denomination.

I looked ahead though and out the windows, and our hostess took us to a nice booth that was elevated above some of the rest of the floor, but back aways from the window over looking the city. As we were seated she handed us a pair of menus and said our server would be with us shortly

I was mostly just stunned by the view, when Lydia snapped me back to attention, so George, enjoying LA?

It’s definitely different, I’m used to a small rust belt town, and my college town wasn’t much bigger, and school kept me very busy

She laughed, I bet, Cornell is a tough school, but among the best

I had a really good time there, and I learned a lot

So, ready to dive in to work here?

Absolutely, any ideas what I’ll be working on for now?

I believe the first project I put you on is a midrise apartment complex, just verifying numbers and other basics, we will see how you do at that, and your office mates are all going to be helping you learn our practices and policies and such. So tell me George, what are your hopes and dreams,

I, well, I would like to work on good things for people, I know thats vague… I said drifting off a bit

No, thats really good, theres a lot of people out there in this business who’s primary goal is money, or fame, and that doesn’t do regular people any good. California has a housing crisis, and while architects can’t solve it alone, we do play a vital role in it, for all the complaints about architectural trends in apartment blocks and how they all look the same, every apartment block is unique and it takes verifying all the numbers on every single one

I smiled, yeah, and eventually I’d like to try my hand at designing some, I did some in college for my thesis

I saw those, and looking forward to you having that opportunity, I know proving yourself with smaller responsibilities can be annoying, but it’s how we build trust.

I nodded

During all this, I had been looking at the menu, and mostly getting more and more shocked looking at the prices, and a server approached us, and what would you like to drink today? she asked, snapping me out of it for a moment

Oh just plain ice water for me I said, remembering that fancy places were weird about that

And Ill have an iced tea, thank you Lydia said

She put her menu down, while I turned back to staring at mine, please don’t worry about the prices, while its not an unlimited budget, its plenty generous, and really, this isn’t supposed to be stressful, any ideas as to what you want?

I uh, I think Ill have a salad and the chicken alfredo

Oh nice choice, they do it very well here

The server returned with our drinks, and asked, are you ready to order?

I am I said, Ill have the Cobb salad and chicken alfredo

And you Miss? She asked, turning to Lydia

I think the roast salmon, and a side of fries she said smiling

Very good, Ill get that put in right away, and she turned to head towards the kitchen

So where were we, Lydia asked, ah yes, missing middle and starting on the small things, you should see the silly tasks I was doing on highway overpasses my first year, and the head engineer on that project had the most atrocious handwriting she laughed, trust me, that much at least you won’t have to worry about, our office is nearly fully digital, although HR has a long ways to go on that front she said laughing again

My salad arrived and I set about eating it some while we talked, about the projects the firm was involved in, etc. It was a very good Cobb salad, and then our main courses arrived, and I set it aside to try the main dish and it was just mouthwateringly good and I said as much

I’m glad you are enjoying it, while every lunch won’t be like this, we do do team lunches on completion of projects and such, and that happens semi regularly, also, theres a much more affordable but still nice and very popular cafe in the lower sky lobby that a lot of our workers get their lunches from, and we have a significant discount arranged with them for our employees

Oh thats nice I said, I had been planning on bringing my lunch most days

And thats fine too! A lot of our employees do. We talked some more as we ate, and she offered to let me try a bite of her salmon and it was just as good as my Alfredo, and then we were done. I looked at my watch and realized how late it was and started to get up quickly, I uh, I need to get back…

Whoa, its ok, don’t take huge lunches, but we aren’t like that, especially not when you are out with me, and also, all thats on your plate this week is getting settled in and getting up to speed on everything, thats going to take a bit and we know it, no big rush.

I sat back down while we waited for the check, which she put down a company card for it, and then left a generous cash tip as well under her plate for the cleaning staff

We got up and walked to the elevator lobby and Graham asked if I had enjoyed it as we walked by, and I told him it had been the best meal I had had in a very long time, and Graham bowed deeply, glad you enjoyed it, please come again

We took the elevators back down, and she had us get off at 33 again, ok, so, your goal this afternoon is to get through the intro from IT so that you have a laptop and email account and such all set up for tomorrow

She lead me to the IT office, just down the hall from HR, and introduced me to Ted, one of the IT people, who shook my hand and welcomed me to the circus, and then Lydia headed off to her office

Accounts were set up, passwords created, a small laptop was issued, as was a quick guide to getting my bigger more powerful box already at my desk setup and running. He also pointed out I could install work email and such on my phone, but that this wasn’t generally an on call business and advised me to understand work and life balance were important.

I went back down to my office, and greeted my office mates and proceeded to get the laptop and desktop all set up and going, although I needed a bit of help from my office mates as the guide left some things to be desired to say the least. As it was, it was already 5:15 by the time I had email and slack setup and ready to go, including the first thing in my inbox, an email introducing me to the entire engineering staff from Lydia.

I knew it wasn’t wise to hit reply all, but I quickly dashed off an email thanking them all for the opportunity and that I would do my best and that kind of thing. My other office mates were all packing up their bags and such to go home, and I was a bit behind but I wasn’t too far behind them.

I packed all the papers and packets from HR in to my bag, shoved my laptop in there, shut down my desktop, and headed out the door, past the lobby, and in to an elevator straight down to the parking garage. It got more full as it went and it might have been faster to go up to the sky lobby and back down but I didn’t really care right now, and just quietly waited for it to get down to the parking garage.

I got in my car, and headed out in to the traffic, which was definitely worse going home, and I finally got home at about half past six. I must have been loud in the hallway because Mrs Fredericks poked her head out, George! How did today go she asked?

It went well, all set up and ready to dive in to work tomorrow I hope.

Sounds good, want supper?

I think Im just going to do something simple and rest at home tonight Mrs Fredericks, thanks for the offer though.

Sure! Any time, have a good evening George

You too Mrs Fredericks I called as I let myself in to my apartment.

I collapsed on the couch briefly, and I should’ve looked at the insurance options stuff, but I was way too tired for that right now. I turned on the tv to a show I had seen a couple times before but just wanted some familiar noise to relax too. I got back up, made a sandwich, got some chips out and sat down to eat and think.

Today had gone well enough, my mind racing over every conversation I’d had, worrying about all of them, and trying to remember there wasn’t much I could do, but that it was unlikely they actually disliked me.

I sat and watched tv for awhile but I eventually got up and took a shower and got to bed, making sure my alarms were set for the morning, with the same buffer for now, would adjust as I got more familiar with things.

---

The next morning came before I knew it, sleep had been deep and good, which I really needed after the previous couple of nights, I woke up, got dressed, ate some breakfast, brushed my teeth, all that usual jazz, grabbed my bag, wallet, keys and headed out the door, barely remembering to grab my badge and access card. I got on my way in to work, and the drive wasn’t any worse than yesterday thankfully and I was at the tower before too long. This time I waved my badge at the reader as I came in and waved at the guard in the shack as I drove in and found a parking space a floor short of where I had been last time.

I joined the line of people at the express elevators, and quickly was at the sky lobby before I knew it, and getting a local back down to my floor took far less time than I expected.

I walked in to the lobby of Kleiner Associates and greeted Sarah who smiled and waved me over, I got a message from Lydia this morning you should go up to her office as soon as you arrived

Oh, sure, its on the second floor right?

Yup! Northeast corner, bit hard to miss

Thanks Sarah, have a good day!

You too George she said politely as I walked up the nearby stair case to the second floor. The first floor was mostly smaller, multi person offices, the second was slightly office of the people who oversaw them, as well as those with seniority, along with the bigger offices like Lydia’s who usually oversaw a lot of people.

I greeted her assistant, a pleasant looking person by the name of Colby, who I noticed had their pronouns on their name plate

Hello Colby, I’m George, Lydia requested to see me?

Yup! Go right on in, nice to meet you George, welcome to Kleiner Associates

Thanks Colby I said as I walked inside

Inside was about what I expected to be honest, piles of books and models and papers, even in a heavily digital office, these kinds of things happened, Hello George she said from behind her desk, I see you met my assistant, aren’t they the best?

Oh, yeah, they seem really nice

So, how are you this lovely morning she asked?

Im ok, less nervous than yesterday I said

Good! Good! Ok, so, your first project, and there isn’t a rush on it yet, but this is the file she said handing over a one sheeter on the project, its a retirement community, lots of weird little quirks in retirement communities, its got more and bigger elevators than a normal apartment, bigger doors, the bathrooms are significantly different, and the kitchens have a bunch of speciality adaptability features to make it easier for people with limited mobility of various types

Right, had a seminar on that, some really neat developments in that regard, and how they can help everyone

Exactly, some of the things we are definitely looking at working in to future non retirement projects, bit by bit, but developers rarely want to pay for them. Anyways, this is project is has a special reason too… she said drifting off a bit

Oh, I said as I read the one sheet, seeing the symbol for the LGBT center at the bottom with a rainbow flag

Is that a problem?

Oh not in the least! Absolutely not a problem

Good, the LGBT community has problems finding places to retire for a lot of reasons, and this project means a lot to me, and I noticed behind her on her window ledge was a cup with a whole bouquet of rainbow flags in it

Oh, sure, and Im sure my neighbor might even be interested in this, she does things for the community from what I gather I said remembering what I had read, that outing people was something you didn’t do without permission

Good, ok, here’s the project codename she said handing me a slip of paper, your network file server account should be good to go for it, ask one of your cubicle mates to show you how to get up and running and find the project by codename, and then just familiarize yourself with the project and its files, in read only mode for now, just in case she said. Will start on doing actual checks next week for it

Got it! Will not mess up the project files, I said taking the sticky note with the codename and attached it to the one pager and got up, talk with you later Lydia

Sure George, and feel free to ping me with questions, although I might not always answer immediately she gestured around her office and laughed

I headed out the door, and waved to Colby as headed out and they waved back, and I proceeded down the stairs and too my office, only making one wrong turn along the way, I started to knock on my office door but realized that was silly, and just opened it and walked in, only Laura was in so far

Oh good morning Laura

Morning George, Richard and Frank tend to be late on Tuesdays, they run some game night or something and are up a bit late often

Oh that sounds fun

Yeah, I’ve been a couple times, but not really my scene, what you got there? First assignment?

Yup, got the one sheet and the codename for it for the network file server

Oh right! You don’t know that yet, let me show you how to get up and running with our project directory, and theres some decent documentation around Ill send you a link on slack to

Sounds great, thank you!

She helped me find the folder, and explained briefly the directory structure, what files went where, and a bit about our job flow, but for now to just kind of browse around it, and also take a look at some of the older projects too.

Finished projects tend to be open to anyone in the company, active projects are usually restricted a bit, as the real estate world tends to be a bit cut throat, and deals have been known to fall through with a slip of the tongue

I’ll remember that, thank you

So this project she put you on she said looking a bit, it does look like Richard already ran essentially what you will be doing, don’t crib his work though when you do yours, yours is kind of like, a secondary check as well as training, oh, and you don’t have access to that folder either she said clicking on it, clever.

Richard and Frank came in, oh hey guys, was just showing George here the basics of the project system

Oh! First project, always fun Frank said, what is it?

Oh just a retirement community I said slipping the one pager and code word in to my desk drawer

Oh those are neat, we did what, 3 last year? Richard asked

No, 4, remember that really different one? Laura said

Oh right! the ‘retirement village’ model for memory care patients, interesting stuff that one Richard admitted

Anyways, good luck with it Frank said, and feel free to ask any questions you might have

They all sat down at their desks and were busy with their own work, it was relatively quiet and I noticed that Laura and Frank had headphones on for further isolation. At least it wasn’t open floor plan. I browsed the files of the retirement community, and opened them, looking at various views including full 3d models of the project that could be set to show various layers of details. The project did appear nearly fully specced out at this point, and out of mild curiosity I looked up the project’s site and saw that construction was set to start in another few weeks, so really my job was mostly just making sure I knew what I was doing here. Perhaps I should’ve felt like this was beneath me but I got it, building design is important, can’t have them falling down or burning or whatever, especially not with a bunch of elderly marginalized people living in it.

I started making some notes of the various things I would need to be checking, loads, wall placements, how much the furniture and people and things would add to it, there were tables and such for all this as a generalized solution, and I would double check everything. I would check that everything seemed to be in code for placement of things, all of the above. By lunch I was already feeling like this would be a fairly easy, if large, task and that I was relatively familiar.

I was sitting there zoned out going through various files, when Laura tapped my shoulder, hey you, want to join us for lunch?

Oh, sure! Right

Did you bring anything? She asked

I paused for a second… no… no I did not, I had intended to and it slipped my mind this morning

Its fine, we are going to hit up the cafe at the sky lobby today

Sure, that sounds great

So hows it going learning the project structure and such?

Oh its fine I said as we headed out in to the hallway, honestly not sure that I need all the time I was given to learn it, you use a lot of the same tools I used student licenses of in college, so its not that surprising.

Thats good! And if you get along faster than is allotted, thats great, our firm has a relatively good attitude towards both too much and not enough work, either one, just bring it up to Lydia and she will help load balance things, usually if you don’t have enough, one of us will have too much or vice versa

Yeah Frank said, and that part about being overworked is especially important to remember, this is a job, not a death march, have a life, go out with friends, do things that aren’t work related on the evenings and weekends

Ill try to keep that in mind I said,

The elevator arrived and we joined a number of others from the office heading up to the sky lobby, which was somewhat busier than I remembered yesterday, we walked over to the cafe and I looked at today’s menu and selected a plate of chicken katsu, rice, and pasta salad I saw that looked good. The others picked things as well and we quickly collected and paid for our plates, swiping our company badge to register the discount, and it was significant. We found a table, in the kind of crowded seating area, but it wasn’t too noisy, the ceilings were high and there were plants around to help absorb noise.

So let me guess, its the LGBT center Richard said sitting down, the one I just finished final evaluations on a couple weeks back?

I… I…

It’s ok Laura said, that project isn’t ‘done’ as in ‘finished construction’, but its been announced, the winners announced and the contracts are all signed, and the site prep is already under way

Frank said oh that thing, the pro bono case he said sounding a bit snooty about it which I didn’t like and hoped hadn’t shown on my face

Oh come on Frank, not this again Richard said, the firm’s got extra hands, and plenty of paying contracts, a little bit of giving back isn’t a bad thing

But I mean, we get profit sharing, that cuts in to that, Frank sounded annoyed

It lowers our tax liability, and thats not a bad thing in the long run for the company Laura said, also, you know, just being a good neighbor

Hrmph, I guess, not sure why its needed, theres a lot of retirement homes in the area

Always more elderly, the population isn’t aging which means the amount needed only going to go up

I checked the local statistics, the occupancy rate has plenty of room locally without building more

Lets change the subject Richard said, George doesn’t want to hear all our repetitive disagreements in one sitting,

Sure, ok, so, you see about that new tower that Mercer won? We weren’t competing but wow that design is sweet Frank said

Oh I haven’t I said

Frank pulled out his phone and pulled it up, an odd shaped cantilevered, very glass sky scraper over an existing structure that looked like a cathedral, depicted with greenery on all the balconies, its soo wild, I wouldn’t want to live in or near it in as earthquake prone area as this, but looking forward to seeing it go up in a few years, hope they don’t damage the church under it

I whistled, thats going to take some clever crane setups to go up

Yeah it is Richard said

I always laugh when they show all the greenery in these Laura said, we all know any building managed greenery is among the first things to go maintenance wise, and only a few residents are that in to greenery, and even if they were, the building management is all ‘property values’ this and ‘uniformity’ that

I shrugged, its a nice thought though, a city thats just a bit greener

Yeah she sighed, you do this for a decade though and see how much hope you have

So I have a question, career wise, I said, and I know I asked it in the interview, but, how is the career path here? like, will I ever get to do a design for a building? Im not in a rush or anything, just hoping to not be checking numbers the rest of my life

Oh sure Laura said, Im lofting an entry to an internal competition for a building we are bidding on, I’ve won a few different ones, and one even became a building, although I wasn’t lead architect, I was credited as the designer, our companies good about making sure the whole team gets credit, and I got a nice bonus each time

I’ve had a couple become buildings Richard said

Frank said eh, never won an internal competition, my style and the leaderships don’t exactly mesh, its fine, Im fine being a number cruncher and detailer

thats cool, Ill keep an eye out, Lydia at least said she liked my portfolio

I saw it too, you had some really nice designs

Thanks I said

We continued talking about various projects the firm had been involved in, and had been announced to be involved in, although none in too much detail and it was a relatively pleasant meal after that bit with Frank being odd about the pro bono work. We finished our meals in due course and headed back down to the office, laughing at some joke Richard told

We got to our office and I saw a message pip on Slack from Laura

Frank has… an issue… with that particular project, probably best not mention it much around him, should’ve told you earlier

I quickly slacked back

Odd, thanks for the heads up though, Ill be sure to direct my questions more to you or Richard on this one

Sounds like a plan!

That afternoon I actually started some of what I suspected needed to be verified about the building, starting at the roof and working my way down, making sure there were sufficient down spouts and slope specced, making sure walls and doors were the right width apart, and finally starting on the calculations for how thick and deep the foundations needed to be, checking tables for weights of various materials in the project, as well as expected loads. I hadn’t finished by the end of work, but I shut things down where I was at after having made sure to save my work locally. I packed my bag up and headed with them to the elevator, repeating the trip up and back down as before

I got home right at six today, and Mrs Fredericks again greeted me as I unlocked my door, Hello George!

Oh hi Mrs Fredericks! How was your day?

It was good, good, hope your day was ok

It was wonderful, and I learned what my first project is

Oh nice! Can you tell me about it?

I hesitated, yes, I can, after supper? I’ll swing by in an hour?

Sounds excellent!

I got inside, set down my bag and generally shook myself off from work, and changed in to comfier shorts and a t-shirt, and I looked in the mirror and just felt disgusted, this had been fine, right? A week ago? I was fine with how I looked then, why was it all bugging me so much now

I made a sandwich and ate it with some chips, and another cookie, taking some time to read things on my laptop, checked that we were listed as the architect of the project and such.

I finished up, and put things in the dishwasher and hit start on it, then grabbed my keys and walked over to Mrs Fredericks and knocked

Come in come in dear! Just finishing supper myself, I walked in and she was sitting there eating the last of some spaghetti

So, whats your first project?

Well, have you heard about the LGBT Community Center is building a retirement home?

I have! Oh my gosh! Thats you! Right! you said you were going to be working at Kleiner Associates!

Yup! thats us I said smiling, being told about it made me think about you

Oh how sweet, but Im not ready for no retirement home just yet Mrs Fredericks laughed

No, of course not I said smiling at her, just that its good that there will be good options around if needed when you do need it

Absolutely, I’ve got some friends looking forward to moving in already, so what are you doing on it? It’s finished design wise by now isn’t it?

Its just a prove myself project, verifying things another architect on the team already verified

Ahh, yeah, first projects can be like that, Art once told me about how he had to do things like that any time some new company hired him to do circuit designs, sounded very frustrating

I think its reasonable, buildings are where we live and work, its important they don’t fall over or flood or whatever, and they want to be sure I know what Im doing

Fair enough, and Art worked on big things, like transformers or whatever, the kinds that if you mess up it catches fire, so, what are your coworkers like?

Well, the few I’ve interacted with so far seem mostly nice, boss is nice, one of my coworkers had an odd opinion about my company donating its time to the retirement community project

Huh, some people are just greedy she said quietly, and hopefully its just that…

A brief pause followed, and I decided to change the subject, Something I’ve been noticing more and more since I kind of sort of came out to you… I hate how I look so much in the morning, and even tonight changing in to this

Well, like I said, need to experiment, and need to talk to someone, Im happy to help how I can, clothing is stupidly over gendered, but that doesn’t mean you hating how look is bad, or even all about clothes…

Whats really boggling to me is that no one blinks an eye if my coworkers or manager who are women wear slacks to the office, or even jeans, but I guarantee it would be frowned upon if I wore a skirt I said frowning

It’s really silly, and its one of the many many double standards out there, women are policed far more heavily in clothing than men in some ways, and not in others, patriarchy and toxic masculinity harm us all, men and women and non binary alike

Yeah… I said… I should probably head back to my place, and pick out an insurance provider and sign up so that can get started on figuring things out

Sounds like a plan!

I got up, and she gave me a hug before I left, and I went back and sat down and got out the insurance packets and started comparing them. On the one hand, a managed care system, with things in house, on the other a more roll your own plan where you have to find your own doctors and figure out if they are covered and all that, and while freedom of choice sounded nice, I didn’t have tons of experience navigating medical care and wound up deciding to go with the managed care plan. I logged in to the company employee portal and went through the process of selecting that and some of the other benefits, signing up for dental and

The site said it would take a couple weeks for my cards to arrive, and in the meantime I started looking at the therapists, I doubted any of them would be covered, but maybe it would be worth talking to someone anyways. I found one that seemed nice, and fairly nearby and decided what the hell, and filled out her contact form, figuring if nothing else, it could end there.

Dear Doctor Harris,

I recently have gone through some big life changes, moving to the west coast, starting a new job, meeting new people, and some things along the way jogged lose a bunch of memories about wanting to be a girl when I was younger. I also learned some about trans people and I’m trying to piece together who I am and what this all means after realizing I feel like a hollow shell of a human. I don’t really have any experience with therapy but hoping you can maybe help me figure it out.

A friend gave me your name in amongst some others and while I will have insurance starting soon I doubt it would cover you, but I’m willing to figure out how to pay out of pocket.

Thanks in advance, George

It was nearly bedtime and I went and got ready for bed and collapsed in bed

---

Sleep was less than ideal, but I managed to get out of bed in time to head to work, I decided to make some lunch today, and was dressed slightly more casual as it seemed fairly normal in the office to wear jeans and button ups. I arrived earlier due to lucky timing, and was apparently the first one to arrive amongst my office mates.

Laura came in just as I was getting my computer awake, and said good morning George

Morning Laura, how was your evening?

It was ok, watched a bit of tv, got some chores done, that kind of thing

Yeah, same, picked out my insurance plan

Ooh, which did you opt for if you don’t mind?

I settled on the managed care plan because I’m not really used to using insurance and I feel like the other option would be way too much to figure out

Yeah, I have the flexible provider one for various unfun reasons I’d rather not talk about right now…. Maybe at lunch, I brought mine if you want to have some lunch, just the two of us, I’ll let you in on all the weird little secret knowledge things of the office

Oh, sure, I brought mine today

Same, the cafe’s nice but it’s a bit much in a lot of ways

Yeah I could see that, I finished getting things on my computer loaded and ready and so did Laura at her desk

Frank came in a bit later, morning all

Morning Frank Laura and I echoed, both of us already at work. I realized I was frowning a bit which was odd

Finally Richard breezed in about five minutes til 9, morning all he said and we said it back. Richard and Laura talked a bit this morning about some project and I was thankful I had put my headphones in my bag.

My frown persisted as my calculations began to arrive at numbers that seemed oddly high. By lunch time I was sure something was wrong although not what.

Frank and Richard announced they were going out to eat with some client the company was courting, and Laura wished them good luck and I did as well.

Ok girlfriend, ready for the 411 on the office she said as we both got our lunches out in office

It was a good thing my back was turned because I needed a moment to take the shocked look off my face and calmly ask, uh what did you call me? I asked half turned around

Laura laughed, I don’t know, something about you screams girlfriend to me, apologies I won’t do it again if it bothers you…

I hesitated, no it doesn’t bother me, it was just surprising

Hrm, you paused, I’ll stop, because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable at work, that’s the worst… so, what all would you want to know about the office she said as we headed over to the break room to warm up our food and grab something to drink

I said let me think on that a moment as my food cooked

When we got back to the office, ok, I’ve got it, any idea what Frank’s real feelings on that project are?

She looked around and poked her head out in the hallway, well, uh, Frank’s got… less than great opinions about LGBT people… it’s come up a few times, and it made Richard and I really uncomfortable when it did.

Oh, that’s too bad I said sounding sad, I sat there eating for a bit

Laura eventually said so what about you? Gotta admit something seems different about you since you interviewed a few months ago, that George was quite sure of himself… and something seems up with you now

I smiled weakly, there is, but it’s not something I want to get in to yet…

That’s fair, any other questions?

Lydia’s office, she had a bunch of pride flags in a cup on her desk, any idea why?

Laura paused, supposedly she has some family who are LGBT and cares a lot about it

Oh, wow, I said, but that explains a lot

Including why we took on that project, although it’s not our first pro bono job it’s our biggest recently

That’s good I said. My phone buzzed with a personal email. I glanced at the sender and saw it was from Doctor Harris and I silenced my phone for now.

Oh and there’s a work thing I want your advice on when your done with your food

Oh sure, I’m just about finished she said, closing her container back up and came over in her chair to look at my screen.

These foundations don’t seem big enough? I looked up the code and I looked up how big and heavy the building will be and it doesn’t seem right. I didn’t need to walk her through my math, I just let her look at my numbers and she started frowning as she went.

Well that can’t be right, she said eventually, and I would think Richard would’ve caught this… best bring it up to Lydia

Sure, I’ll uh, send her an email with my work and my question

Sounds good! She might want to meet and go over it with you, but you are right, those foundations don’t look thick enough.

What doesn’t look thick enough Richard asked coming in through the door, Frank was not behind him

Oh these foundations I said and I showed him my math and he also looked puzzled

Well that’s odd… I take it Laura told you I already did checks on this?

She did, but I haven’t seen your numbers, that directory is locked to me

It’s a good catch, although I swear they were thick enough a few weeks ago. Have you told Lydia yet?

Just drafting the email,

I would ping her on slack too, she tends to only check her email inbox a few times a day.

Sure, ok

Frank came in, so, what’s up all? You two have a good lunch?

We did Laura said, and how was Mikes?

It was fine, had to hit the restroom before getting back to it

Frank sat down and quickly got to work as did the rest of us, I finished typing up my email and attaching the evidence and sent it off to Lydia, then slacked her

Hello Lydia, I just sent you an email, I know I’m supposed to just be familiarizing myself with things this week but I started running some numbers and the foundations aren’t thick enough, the email has details on my math and the relevant bits of the code.

Lydia quickly sent back

👀 looking

Then about 5 minutes later she sent

Come to my office please

I got up and said I had to go do something to none of them in particular and went up the stairs, feeling nervous. And I must have looked pretty nervous because Colby noticed and they said hey George, no need to be nervous, go right on in

Yeah, sure, thanks Colby I said to them

I went in and Lydia greeted me Hiya George, good catch by the way, already have some people looking at what happened

Is.. did Richard get it wrong?

Nope, when Richard did his review the file was still correct, and no, we didn’t give you like, a dummy file with a glaring thing like this to find, we tried that a couple times and the problems were too hard to spot and our experienced folks missed them or, too easy to spot and not a fair test…

Oh! Is the project ok?

Yeah, fortunately this isn’t the only copy of that file, the version the clients have been going off of as construction prepared to start up is still correct, although there was to be a last sync up on Friday before they start breaking ground and doing foundation work in another week and a half or so

Oh that soon

Yup, and we would have noted the change to them from a list of generated differences, and whether someone caught it in time and realized the error is anyones guess

Do you know who altered the file?

We don’t as yet, changes are supposed to be tracked, that’s why IT is checking in to it.

That’s good, and in the meantime?

In the meantime we’ve reverted the file back to its previous official version and are reviewing all changes one by one to make sure someone didn’t slip in any other changes that could cause issues. It’s going to be a lot of work and I’ll be including Richard and you in that review, since you caught the bad value and he’s familiar with the previous version.

I’ll do my best

I know you will George, they will be working in a conference room up here on this floor, run back and grab your laptop and come back up

Right, ok

I rushed downstairs and grabbed my laptop to see Richard coming out of the office, ah that’s where you are, get your laptop and I’ll show you to the conference room

I grabbed my laptop really quick and came back out and Richard said, really good catch by the way, I might not have noticed it in the list of a hundred minor diffs before the sync up Friday

I just hope they find who did it

Whoever did didn’t log it properly in the change log with their info and the change order number listed was a random one from some other project, and the IT logs take more time to go through

Yeah I said, it’s such a violation

It is, and I guarantee whoever was at fault will be punished, we take our work very seriously here, and a building that could have structural issues on a high profile pro bono case would be very bad for the firm, not to mention the residents…

We arrived on the second floor of the office floors and proceeded to go in the opposite direction of Lydia’s office and got to a conference room with a large table with a number of people around the table all with their laptops

Hey everyone, this is George, Richard said as we entered the room, George, this is everyone

Hello George a couple people called out without looking up as Richard pointed me to a seat which I took

Right behind us came in Lydia oh good George is already here, good afternoon everyone, so we were going to be meeting for the internal sync pre external sync today, make sure our notes for the client were complete, and George this morning found out we have someone in this building who’s decided they want to be found and fired for risking peoples lives in a covered up change to the foundations of the project

Good catch by the way George, this would’ve risked the building if not collapsing, certainly it would settle wrong, perhaps to the point of being uninhabitable

The others actually clapped and I blushed, I just got lucky

Don’t be so modest Richard said, I saw your math, you were being thorough, as any one doing structural engineering should be

Exactly Lydia said, anyways, now this means instead of a quick rundown of changes all changes are to be reviewed by multiple people, in the hopes that none of them are fake, check change orders versus what was actually changed, and also be on the lookout for seemingly correct changes that might otherwise compromise the project

She said I’m going to have you group up and each group take a section of the list, and we will get through this, I’ll be with George and Richard

Richard and Lydia walked me through how to navigate the change order system and we started going through our selected set of changes. It was tedious and slow, check the change order existed, was for this project, and that the change done to the file was what was on the order

We all got through our changes without anything else suspicious, and I suddenly realized it was past six

Lydia stood up and stretched

Thanks everyone for working late on this today, feel free to come in late tomorrow in recompense, also, I’m going to order in some food if anyone would prefer to eat before commuting home, on the company as a thank you for your hard work

Richard got up and stretched, feel free if you want George, but I am heading home

I think I will, not like I have anyone waiting for me at home

That’s the spirit.

Lydia ordered some tacos that would arrive in about 20 minutes, I took the opportunity to take my laptop back down to my office and grab my bag and such and made my way slowly back up. The building wasn’t terribly noisy as big buildings go, but it was creepy how quiet it was after 5pm. I also stopped at the restroom and made use of it since I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I had gone earlier in the afternoon.

About half had stayed for tacos, we talked and I got to know some of my other coworkers, people with various specialties, hvac, plumbing, electrical

At one point I was talking with Lydia and remembered she had kids and family to get home to and quietly asked if she needed to go ahead now that the food was on the way

She laughed, it’s ok, I let my husband and kids know I wouldn’t be home until later and to eat without me, they’ll be fine, I only do this once a month or so and I make up for it in other ways, and I would never miss a play or game or whatever for something like this, and I wouldn’t expect my employees too either

The food arrived and the tacos and chips were really good, and we laughed and had a good time and then made sure we didn’t leave the cleaning staff a mess and headed out. The parking garage still had a surprising number of cars in it but I had learned the building also had some condos and a hotel on some floors, which helped explain it. The drive home was honestly not as bad as I was expecting, some of the traffic had cleared a bit by this time.

I got parked at the apartment I got out of my car and headed up via the lobby to check my mail, and my first pieces of junk mail had arrived. I arrived on my floor and headed to my door and was unlocking it when I heard Mrs Fredericks open her door, well about time you got home! You ok?

Yeah, just a minor crisis at work, then the boss got us food afterwards

In your first week? Rough

Yeah, was kind of a good thing for me personally though, will tell you more about it sometime later, when its been resolved completely

Sure, absolutely

I got in to my apartment and collapsed, I didn’t even turn the tv on or read or anything, I just kind of zoned out for a bit. Eventually I was broken out of it by a reminder to get ready for bed from my phone, and I got myself cleaned up and just as I was about to go to sleep I remembered Lydia said we could be in an hour late tomorrow, so I quickly adjusted my alarm back for tomorrow by an hour.

---

Sleep came quickly, and it was relatively peaceful, but, I awoke at my usual time, not the alarm clock time, and I picked up my phone to check messages and such and saw that email from Doctor Harris I had forgotten about.

Hello! I’m so glad you reached out to me, this is an amazing first step, and I would be happy to help you figure yourself out. Whether you are trans, what to do about that, all of it. Any chance we could talk briefly on the phone tomorrow? I don’t have any appointments booked and its usually just a time for me to work on paperwork, but I’d love to have a quick chat. If not, email back some times that would be convenient for you, and we will work it out!

Sincerely, Doctor Harris

I sat there staring at my phone, well, I did have an hour extra I guess I thought… what could be the harm? I dialed her number and it started ringing and I put it on speaker since I hated holding the phone to my ear when I was already nervous.

Someone on the other end picked up, Hello! This is Doctor Harris’s office, this is her assistant Tilly speaking, may I ask who’s calling?

Uh, yeah, my name’s George, I emailed the doctor on, uh, Tuesday night, and she emailed me back yesterday saying I should call this morning

Oh! Of course! I was told you might call, let me put you through to her

Thanks

The phone went silent for a bit, a couple clicks happened and Doctor Harris said Hello! I was hoping you would call

I uh, I didn’t have to get in to the office as early this morning for reasons and decided I would just call, I don’t really know what I’m doing though

And that is totally fine! Everyone’s path in discovering and becoming who they really are is different, and Im looking forward to helping you find yours. Why don’t you start by telling me a bit about your self? And then Ill put you on with my assistant and have you set up a free introductory session for us to have more time

Uh, well, I’m 23, I just graduated and moved out here to start a job at an architecture firm. I met my neighbor after moving in and she came out to me as a lesbian and has been talking a lot about these topics and it caused a ton of memories to surface, from like, early grade school and even Kindergarten, memories of how I had wished and prayed I could wake up a girl… but I quickly learned that wasn’t an acceptable thing from my church, my school and my parents

Oh thats hard, religious trauma is a bit of a specialty, do you still believe?

I uh, not really, college was eye opening for me, and while I didn’t run off and become a full blown atheist, I just, I couldn’t prove anything, not existence or absence of anything, and I liked science and math and things have an answer, but this doesn’t, at least not that I found

Well, that sounds like a lot, and then gender feelings on top of that, and a new job, and a move, and a new city, and new neighbors, thats hard. So I’m going to ask you a blunt question, and its not one that all therapists would agree is a valid one… but I find it interesting how people respond to it.

Sure, shoot

Ok, so, imagine a big red magic button in front of you. If you press it, you would become a cis woman, in all respects, would you press it?

I thought for a moment, before answering quietly, yes, I would press it

Even if there was no going back?

I thought about that one a bit longer, before also saying yes quietly, that wouldn’t change how I feel… I hesitated a moment before asking, so does that mean I’m trans?

Sorry to disappoint you, but that doesn’t mean you are automatically trans, and ultimately, only you can decide whether you are or not, I’m just here to be a guide, but, it does show me you are dealing with something more than just a passing issue… now, how does that make you feel

I felt tears in the corners of my eyes, I, it makes me feel sad?

Because that button doesn’t exist?

Yeah

Well, there are a lot of things and ways to transition, to be a woman, and I would be happy to discuss that in more depth with you at a session

I uh, I work 9-5 and Im not sure when I can get in for a session

I do a lot of video appointments if you would prefer,

I uh, I think I would want to do an in person appointment

I do some Saturday sessions, it couldn’t be your regular session, but I think I’ve got a slot or two open in the next week or so as well that would be after work and those might be an option as well, you want to talk to my assistant to arrange booking?

Sure, thank you, this has already been kind of eye opening

Glad I could be of some small help already, ok, transferring you back

A couple more clicks and her assistant was back on the line

Ok, she told me you wanted to book a trial appointment? Maybe something after work? or on a Saturday?

That would be best, I think

Hrm… let me see…

Her assistant made various clicking noises

Well, ok, she has a slot a week from Saturday, at 9am… or… she actually has a slot Friday evening, at like, 5pm, a last minute cancellation

I thought about it, uh, I want the Friday one, but I need to figure out how that works at work… can I say I’ll take it and if my boss says no I can’t take it off, I can reschedule?

Sure, thats fine, and Im sure it won’t be a problem, and you absolutely don’t have to say that its for a therapist appointment, could just say its a doctors appointment in general.

Right, thats a good idea, thank you!

Absolutely, have a great day, and see you tomorrow at 5, oh, and I’ll email you the form you need to fill out for it, just fill it out on your computer and email it back to me.

Sure, will keep an eye out for it, Thanks again!

You’re welcome! and with that the call was over

I sat there in my bed, breathing hard, I had said that if given opportunity I would press a button to be a cis woman… that was a bit surprising, but I really did mean it

I looked at the clock and decided to check how long it would take to get to the office and realized that I needed to leave now as it was very heavy traffic. I threw off the covers and rushed through getting ready for work. I got on my way as quick as I could but the eta my phone spat out was 15 minutes late. Before I backed out of my space, I texted a heads up to the teams slack channel I was running a little bit late

When I finally arrived in I got what I think was one of the last few non reserved for some other group spots in the garage. I got out and hopped on the express elevator which was mostly empty and to the sky lobby which was also a bit quiet, and back down to the office

I got off the elevator and the receptionist greeted me, check your slack she said

I pulled out my phone and saw a message from Lydia, my office when you get in, and I remember I told you to be in later today, don’t worry about that

Thanks I said as I rushed over to the stairs and up to Lydia’s office

Hello George Colby said, she’s expecting you

Thanks Colby

I went on in and she was seated at her cluttered desk as usual, oh, good morning George, well, not good really… IT got back to us early this morning, they can’t figure out who made the change

Oh, that’s too bad

They said something about it being done from an unmarked account that shouldn’t have existed but has for quite sometime and had significant privileges in our files, so we’ve initiated a review of all recent changes, but the reality is whoever did this could’ve been at it for months, it’s a lot of changes… we will be auditing as best we can, just like yesterday but times dozens of projects for a great many more changes…

Oh, wow,

Yeah, and you, being among the newest hires here and the one who caught it is at least suspicion, we may have to put in some overtime hours on this

Like working evenings and weekends?

Some, yeah, but also this is going to burn at least one person out, so pace yourself, I’ll be sending you a few projects to review on, for the most part just make sure the change order exists and aligns with the project…

On the front of evenings and weekends, I had scheduled an appointment tomorrow at 5 and had hoped to leave a bit early to get to it

Doctors? You get your insurance set up?

Not got my cards yet, but yeah, got plan picked out a couple nights back

Your health is important, more important than this, go, but maybe be prepared to come in on Saturday, or at least, work remote from your laptop some of the day

Sure, ok, will do my best

George… I know this made a ton more work for all of us, but honestly, thank you, this could be a huge safety issue

Have we notified clients?

We have discretely let the potentially affected projects know we are conducting an audit, but it will get out more broadly eventually Im sure. We’ve also asked the FBI’s computer forensics people to come in and help comb logs, it’s possible this is the result of a hacker and poses an issue across state lines

Oh, wow, uh, the FBI huh? That’s a lot to take in from my decision to do a bit of math

And… I hate to say this, they may want to ask you some questions about that, you are not, repeat not, a suspect, the change was made before you started and the account was made before you even interviewed

Right, ok, thanks for the heads up

Off you go, get done what you can and we will get through this.

Right, thank you for the heads up I said as I headed out the door looking anxious

Oh wow Colby said looking at me, that bad?

It’s uh, a lot, yeah, but not my fault I guess, have a good day Colby I said quietly

You too they called as I walked back down to my office. I came in and the other three were all there already, and they clapped when I walked in

What’s that for I asked?

You just saved the companies butt kiddo Laura said, I mean, it’s going to mean a ton of work for us peons, including you, but yeah. Lydia sent out an email with a bunch about it and a table of the projects we are supposed to audit and instructions on how

Profit sharing isn’t worth much if we have to wind up paying a bunch of penalties out due to some malicious actor, Frank said, so good catch

I wish they had found out who it was from the IT audit, Richard said, but, glad it was caught at all!

Yeah, I said, ok, going to get going on it

I sat down and turned my back to them and got out my laptop and got my desktop booting and checked email and there was the list, and I found the list of projects I would be auditing, and as I glanced, I saw that the projects had overlaps, every project would be covered by at least two people, more on the bigger ones

The email also called out that the company would be bringing in food for free for lunch and supper til the audit was completed which I realized was a good thing since I hadn’t packed anything today

I opened the first project’s directory and started going through the change log for it with the change ticketing in another window on my laptop

I got through about a third of the changes in the project by lunch, we weren’t stopping to check the actual changes like we had been yesterday, so things went a little bit quicker, I noted my progress in a note to myself before we all got up to grab some lunch. We went up stairs to the conference room, which had had the chairs pushed in one corner and the table covered with various varieties of food, as well as drinks on the cabinets to one side of the room. I settled on a basic looking ham sandwich that was honestly pretty good, we all grabbed our stuff and headed back down to the office to eat.

We sat there eating and chatting for a bit

So, I heard a rumor Richard said, the FBI is investigating

Wow Laura said, that seems serious

Frank spoke up, good, hope they catch whoever it was, they could’ve gotten someone hurt

We talked briefly about other things but soon finished lunch and got back to it. I cleared the first of my projects by the end of the day and made an entry on the tracking page indicating it hadn’t been tampered with from a change order perspective. Richard and I stopped in for supper as it had gone a bit past the end of the day, and it was better option than my food at home, and traffic would only get lighter.

I finished and wished Richard a good evening as we headed out

I got in my car and headed home, remembering that tonight Mrs Frederixks was baking snickerdoodles tonight and while she didn’t come to the door as I unlocked mine, I set my bag down inside the door and locked it behind me and went and knocked on hers

Oh George is that you? I heard her muffled voice call, come on in! Got started without you

I went in to find her already in the kitchen, loading some of the smaller ingredients in to the mixer

So how was your day

It was, uh, a day I said… apparently yesterdays minor crisis ballooned a bit, and so I’m helping with the effort

Oh wow! That sounds awful

Also… I contacted one of the therapists on your list and we talked briefly this morning before I headed in to the office… and… booked a full session… for tomorrow after work

Oh that’s lovely dear, I’m so proud of you!

I blushed, thanks… she asked me a question this morning that made things kind of really sink in…

Oh? What question

If I could press a button and be a cis woman without any complications, but I couldn’t go back, would I?

And you answered yes I take it?

Yeah…

Oh I could hug you right now if I wasn’t all messy already, she said beaming at me, so I just learned that there’s a new thing at the brunch this year, a makeover station, with clothes and all sorts of things, and I kind of realized I hadn’t already invited you to come along… but if you wanted to, I’d be happy for you to join me, and, if you want, you could experiment a bit, it would be ‘in public’ in that it wouldn’t be just you, but it would be a very accepting group of people, even for a first timer

Oh I said blushing, of course I’d help deliver the things we baked, but, uh, is it ok for me to attend? I’m not a youth or an elder

Well I am, and no one’s gonna deny me the plus one of my choice, also, you’re still a spring chicken in my book she said laughing

I laughed, fair, ok, but after brunch I need to come home and work some more on that minor crisis

Oh wow, that’s not sounding very minor

I’ll say more when I can, I said, ok, so what do you need help with?

The bigger ingredients again, so I don’t have to add them little bits at a time.

Sure, ok

Oh! First, an apron she said, those are your work clothes, would hate them to get messy and she handed me a plain, gender neutral white apron to put on.

I helped get the batter made, and we started putting lumps of it with a small scoop on to each cookie sheet, and cycled them through the oven, as we had before, and in the end we had a few dozen snickerdoodles, which smelled wonderful, and then I bid Mrs Fredericks goodnight as I had to get up for work tomorrow

I got back to my place and quickly cleaned up, thankful for the apron she had leant me. I got my shower and collapsed in bed, exhausted and anxious about tomorrow evening…

---

Sleep was not great, but it wasn’t the worst sleep I had ever gotten, I had a very vivid and odd dream, I was presented with a BIG red button, with lights, and a game show host asked if I wanted to press it, and I said confidently that I did and I pressed it with both hands and nothing happened then the host laughed at me and then I was awake. And then my alarm went off.

I took care of morning necessities, getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, putting on deodorant, then grabbed my keys, wallet and bag and headed out the door.

I actually got out of the house earlier than I expected, and I actually got to the office before the others. I busied myself with logging in and checking email and answering a couple quickly as best I could.

I had just opened my next project folder, the previous one had been another mid rise apartment complex, this one was a high rise and I dreaded how long it would take.

Just as I was looking at the first change order Laura arrived followed almost immediately by Richard and Frank

Morning all I said without turning around

Wow, already at it, such a wide eyed and eager young worker Richard jibed

I have an appointment this evening after work, I said ticking off another change as ok, will need to leave a bit early so trying to get a bit of a leg up on the amount I need to do

Fair enough! Laura said, hope the appointment goes well

Thanks I said

The morning was mostly boring, I thought for a moment I had found a discrepancy but then noticed the next log entry noted the previous one was a typo, and was only off by one, and the correct entry was correct, out of an abundance of caution I shared it in the slack channel set up for the audit and like the others that had been posted there since yesterday morning it was quickly reviewed and cleared.

So far there hadn’t been any others caught, but there were still a lot of projects on the spreadsheet with either none or only one person having reviewed them.

Before long it was lunch and I joined the others in retrieving lunch from the conference room, I grabbed some pasta dish and a bag of chips and got back to work without much chatter, wearing my headphones. Eventually around 4 my phone beeped to let me know I needed to leave from the building in not too long or I would be late.

I put my laptop in my bag and said ok, see you all Monday! I’ll probably be on tomorrow some to finish this building off

See you Monday Richard said,

Hope the appointment goes ok Laura said and smiled

And Frank said see ya

I headed to the office’s lobby, and headed up and back down, there weren’t that many making the trek but more than I expected. I got off at the parking garage and got in my car and loaded up the maps, or tried to but realized I was underground. I backed out and up on to the streets and as soon as I as at the exit I quickly got directions, my ETA was all of 5 minutes before 5, which was cutting it pretty close, especially for a first appointment.

I followed the directions, and found it right on time, her office wasn’t far enough away that highways would be of any use, but it was tucked in a little corner of a small set of offices with a nondescript sign. I parked in a spot and took a moment to breath and relax. I grabbed my bag, and got out and locked the car, and went inside.

I came in to a small reception room with her assistant at a desk with a computer and a phone, typing away at her computer when I entered. She looked up as soon as I entered, oh! Welcome! Are you George?

I, yeah, thats me I said suddenly feeling a spike in nerves again

Welcome! My name’s Tilly, doctor Harris’s assistant

Its nice to meet you Tilly, did you get my form ok last night?

Yup! And Doctor Harris already has a copy, she should be ready for you in a few minutes, please have a seat she said pointing at a few chairs next to the window, there was no one else waiting.

In a couple minutes a person of indeterminate gender came out, spoke briefly and quietly with Tilly, and then left. About another minute later, Doctor Harris poked her head out, come on in! she said to me.

Hiya! she said as I came in to her nice, surprisingly roomy office, there was a couch, a couple chairs, a low table, her desk and a row of filing cabinets.

She pulled out a fresh pad of paper, and grabbed a file and came over

Ok, so, lets go over a few of the basics, thank you for filling out your form, its sometimes a contention point, the form asks some rather difficult questions for some people

It wasn’t… too bad, I would be lying if I said my mental health was perfect, but eh

Ill let you in on a little secret, no one’s mental health is perfect if they actually had an ounce of introspection

I bet that keeps you busy

She laughed a bit, well, yes, I won’t deny its good job security, but, in truth, it means we therapists aren’t perfect either, and I know a lot don’t like to admit that right off, but I prefer to be honest as much as possible with my patients… So. I know you are here about gender, and we will spend a bit on that, but first, tell me a bit about yourself, the things the form won’t tell me

Well… I uh, I grew up a long way from here, in a small town, my parents took me to church every Sunday morning, sent me to a small christian school through graduating high school, but let me pursue architecture at a big secular school in another state… and then I got a job out here at a well respected firm, Kleiner Associates… My parents were stably employed, and my home life would have seemed to many, fairly good… they made sure I had good food, clothes that fit, a home that was nice enough… they abhorred spanking, as well as any kind of deprivation of necessities as punishment… but… I drifted off… I uh, this is hard

It always is, we don’t have to do all the hard stuff today

I uh, I had friends, played in the neighborhood with other kids, I didn’t like sports but that was mostly ok with my parents, and I wasn’t without extracurriculars

Sounds like a nice childhood overall

It was, in many ways, yeah

So if you dont mind me asking, why architecture?

Well, uh, I always liked math and science, but what I didn’t really say much is that I liked drawing and creativity, but it felt like there weren’t many outlets for that that my family and school and church would accept. Honestly? A part of me wanted to be a fashion designer, but I know that would’ve gone over like a lead balloon

Ouch, but are you happy with where you wound up?

I mean, yeah, ask me that again in a year or 5 and we will see how I feel then, but I enjoyed learning about it in college and doing the projects and work, and it tickles both math and design in my brain which is nice

Thats good! Im glad for you

Thanks I said

So I’m going to suggest we talk a bit about your gender feelings now for a bit, and I kind of want you to work backwards from more recent events to the past.

Sure, uh, ok, so, last night I had a dream about that hypothetical button

Oh, I do love a good dream

Well, it wasn’t exactly good,

Oh, well continue if you want, but if not thats ok

So it was like this game show, and the show host asked if I wanted to press this giant red button with blinking lights and everything, and I walked over and pressed it with both hands and nothing happened then the host laughed at me and then I was awake

Hrm, fears about transition and whether it would actually do anything are understandable, we can talk about that some more, but let’s go through a bit more of the background if you don’t mind…

So, I met this neighbor when I moved in and she turned out to be a lesbian, and she’s helping with this youth/elder brunch thing tomorrow? Anyways, I’ve been helping her bake for it

Oh! Mrs Fredericks, I’ve never officially met her but she helps with a lot of those types of events, sorry, please go on

Anyways, she’s who started teaching me about the meanings of the various letters in the acronym and their flags and all that, while I helped her bake cookies, and hearing about trans people and then reading about them and dysphoria and such started knocking loose all these memories I’d locked away from when I was a little kid…

… There’s been other recent events, I read these fan fiction stories some, and in one of them a character recently revealed they were trans and then that was the last chapter posted and the author announced she was going on break for a month and it really upset me because I needed to know more

Cliffhangers are hard, especially when the next piece of the story feels like it might be personally relevant

Yeah, so that’s about it for recent events

And what about events farther back, don’t worry much about order

Well let’s see, there was the time when I was in preschool and swapped outfits with a girl my age and mom was so mad, and the segregation of boys and girls always left me feeling on the wrong side… I uh, there was an incident with swim lessons… I refused to swim with my shirt off, I hated the idea but mom insisted, and one time she swore she would put me in a girls swimsuit if I didn’t take my shirt off.. and so I did, and like, I knew she meant it as a threat but a part of my brain was screaming I wanted to… after I was an ok-ish swimmer though I stopped swimming unless I could have my shirt on, and eventually it just became a Cold War with mom, she didn’t like it but she gave up the fight… I just, I hated how I looked with my shirt off

There’s been other things but I’ve not really examined them much myself yet, to be honest I played with mostly toys that are considered neutral or masculine, like LEGO and trucks and such, but also, I simply didn’t have other options around…

Ok, so I’m going to change gears here, and ask, given what you’ve said and things I’m sure you haven’t, what are you thinking about your gender identity

I, uh, I think I’m trans, but like, am I really? Do I have that right? I may not have learned a lot about feminism or anything but it seems like I would just be invading everyone’s space, women, other trans people… or is this just something my brain latched on to as a hyper focus and now its just tricking me in to thinking I’m trans for… attention? Or something

So I don’t like to be this therapist but I heard you use the phrase ‘other trans people’, so I would say yes, you’ve already realized you are, now you just need to work on accepting it. So let me start off with a couple of those, if you are a trans woman, you are a woman, trans is an adjective, like tall or blonde. And a woman being in a woman’s space isn’t an invasion… and other trans people are often very accepting… as for the last bit, no I don’t think you are making this up for attention, you’ve told me you’ve got some long standing issues with your gender, and the whole always wearing your shirt to swim thing is kind of a classic dysphoria manifestation… oddly for both trans women and men.

So I’m trans? I asked

I can’t honestly answer that, it’s ultimately something you have to answer for your self

I’m trans I said quietly

I looked up and she smiled, ok, so, now on to, what does that mean for you?

I, I would like to be a woman, but I don’t really know how

Well, there’s nothing too specific to being a woman first of all, are there things society has heavily gendered unnecessarily? Like clothing and roles and jobs and such? Sure, but what really matters is up here she said, tapping her head. But, there are some things you could consider trying, first, experiment with clothing, find what makes you happy, just because society gendered dresses heavily as women’s clothing doesn’t mean they can’t make you happy

Mrs Fredericks said they would have a changing room and clothes and makeovers at the brunch tomorrow

Oh that sounds like fun! If you are ready of course

I… I don’t know that I am, but I also don’t know that I’m not

So go! And try, and if you hate it, no need to push at it, can always change back, it’s just clothes and makeup, nothing permanent… and as you find your way, you might wonder about medical transition, and certainly that’s a thing I can help you figure out as we go, there’s hormone replacement therapy, and at the risk of scaring you, surgical options, but, all of that is on an as you decide basis, there is no one size fits all transition

What is, uh, hormone replacement therapy like? I read a bit about it and some of the effects of it sounded like things I might want…

Well, here in the US, for a trans women it typically starts with an anti androgen, like Spironolactone or as most people call it, spiro, that lowers your testosterone, it’s in a little pill form. Secondly estradiol, which raises your estrogen, and there’s a variety of forms of that, pills, injectable, and patches, which some may work better than others for you… To be clear, basically everyone, man and woman has testosterone and estrogen in them, it’s just about shifting the balance of the two… the effects range from softer skin and less body hair to breast growth, but it’s very much a your mileage may vary thing and may take adjustments to get you feeling good on it… these are often prescribed by an endocrinologist who will do blood work to check your levels every so often, and make sure they are ok

Sounds complicated…

It is and it isn’t, thankfully the US is pretty big on informed consent, which basically means that you tell the doctor you want them, they will describe the effects and warn you that some of them are irreversible and to a certain extent, some can be, but, if you decide it’s not for you, it’s easy enough to stop them long before anything major has happened, and you will know if they aren’t for you

Oh that’s good

If you don’t mind me asking, and Tilly will ask on your way out but you don’t have to, who is your insurance provider going to be?

Well, I chose the managed care option, Wilhelm, to be honest I don’t have a lot of experience with navigating doctors and using medical insurance and it sounded like the easiest path

Oh! Well they are very good with trans issues, I don’t accept them, but it’s more they don’t accept me, they are very weird about outside providers, but, I have fairly reasonable rates, and if you would like to see me out of pocket, it’s also possible you have access to a health spending account which would let you pay me from before taxes income

She got up and grabbed a card from a small rack, and here’s a pamphlet on their transition care center here in LA, they are very nice, I know you might not want it right away, but for the future

Oh, thank you, I said, yeah, I don’t know how this will all go yet

So another topic, your name, again, society has gendered names fairly heavily, and you under no circumstances have to change it, but you might think about what you might want to go by

I laughed, I haven’t thought about it any, but, yeah, George is pretty heavily gendered, I’ll think on it

Any questions you might have? I know this is a lot to absorb and process and such

Any, uh, advice for coming out at work? Architecture is not exactly the most… balanced… with regards to gender profession, that I work for a woman and one of my office mates is a woman was a bit surprising to me, there was like, one woman in my architecture classes usually

Well, one place to start would be HR, but HR is not always your friend, it might be better to start with someone you know will be supportive, whether that’s a coworker or your manager or whoever

Oh… my manager had a cup full of various pride flags, I don’t know why though

Well, if you have an opportunity to feel out how she feels, she might be an ally, or LGBT herself, never know

I mean, she had picture of her family around, a husband and kids and… and I’m realizing I’m ignoring many options aren’t I

You are a quick one she said smiling, she could be bi, or pan, or even trans, you can never really tell… I see our time for this session is almost up, I’m going to request you make another appointment with me sometime next week… often for patients I prescribe a bit of homework, nothing major, just something to think about or do, and I think all I’m going to suggest is that you go to the brunch tomorrow and have a good time, whatever that means for you

I laughed, sure, I’ll try my best, thank you for seeing me, and I’ll work out the schedule with Tilly

I came out and Tilly smiled at me, how did it go?

I uh, it went ok, better than I expected

That’s good! Did she want you to schedule another appointment?

She did, for sometime next week

Well… for regular weekly slots let’s see, we just had Friday at 9am open up earlier today and it’s not been claimed by anyone yet, if you want it

I uh, I think I can make that work with my boss

Great! Now, do you have insurance?

I do, but it’s Wilhelm and she already said you don’t take it

Oh that’s fine, I’d still like it on file

I uh, don’t have my cards yet

Oh! That’s fine! Whenever you get them, And as for cost… she showed me a sheet with prices per income bracket

I whistled and did some mental math, uh, ok, I think I can afford that…

We also offer a sliding scale for lower income folks,

Yeah, no, I see, I’m trying to figure out basic budgeting in my head

Yeah, it’s a lot, you can take this sheet, and I’ll pencil you in for next week and the coming weeks, but feel free to call and tell me you need adjustments, or do like every other week

Sure, yeah, I said taking the piece of paper, thank you Tilly

You’re welcome George she said smiling

I uh, don’t know how long that name will remain relevant

Tilly smiled, just tell me whenever you decide and I’ll get all your records updated asap

Thanks, have a good weekend I said

You too!

I walked out and got in my car and just sat there for a minute before turning it on. It hadn’t been a terribly long session, but, we had covered some interesting ground, and like, having info for the transition care center with my provider was good… could I really do this? Could I really be a woman? I didn’t have the answer, and cupcake baking awaited… I got the car going and found a fast food place between me and the apartment to pick something up at and headed in that direction

I went through the drive through and grabbed a burger and some fries and headed home. Traffic wasn’t terrible, and it wasn’t too long before I was parking in the apartment, I grabbed my bag and the food and headed up to my place and Mrs Fredericks poked her head out, ready to help make cupcakes tonight?

I laughed, absolutely, just need to eat really quick I said holding up the bag of fast food

She grinned, ok, see you in a bit

I turned and headed inside my place, and filled a glass of water and sat down to eat real quick. Before long I had finished and decided on comfier clothes. I saw the box again and decided to look again real quick.

I opened the box and dumped out the clothing again, I held up the dress, it definitely wouldn’t fit. The skirt seemed closer and I got it on but the final bit of zip just wouldn’t go… but the shorts, the shorts fit, they were pretty short with only a couple inches of inseam, I kind of hated though my hairy legs and I took them back off. I threw on a pair of my own shorts and looked at the tops, only one looked like it would fit, and it was a maroon tunic length top with 3/4 length sleeves, and I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and laughed, I looked slightly ridiculous without anything to fill it out but also… kind of loved it and definitely wished I filled it out, I looked in the mirror, can I really do this? I opened the door a crack and poked my head out and looked and saw no one and quickly crossed the hall to Mrs Fredericks, locking mine behind me and knocking before just trying the handle which she had thankfully left unlocked for me

She was sitting in the living room with some form of yarn project

Oh! George she said looking up, that’s a cute top, was that one of the ones in the box?

I blushed hard, thanks, and yeah, not like I’ve had time to go shopping anywhere yet

Well we should get you an apron to go over it again, that’s far too nice to get random baking ingredients on

She went to the pantry she had pulled the one yesterday out of and looked back at me, want to try something a bit less neutral?

I hesitated, uh, let me see what you have?

Sure she laughed, and pulled out a fairly basic but frilled edge apron and the main portion of the apron was tons of rainbows

I grinned, yes, that works

I put it on and we started getting things out, and then with my back turned to her hoisting out another bag of flour from her pantry I heard her grunt in pain loudly, I turned around and saw her holding her back, and said oh! Mrs Fredericks are you ok?

Back spasm, not fun, don’t get old kid, well, actually do because that means you lived, anyways, help me to my chair will ya? I guess cupcakes will have to wait

I.. I can probably do them, I’ve helped with the others and kind of understand things?

Oh that would be nice of you, are you sure? It is an easy recipe but if you’ve never done cupcakes before she said as I guided her to her chair

Is there anything else you need? Pillow? Medicine? Water?

Oh, yes please to those last two, this chair is decently comfy for me without extra cushions

Ok, which kind of medicine?

Uh, the muscle relaxer, it’s the only one with a prescription label on a non brown bottle

Right, gotcha I said and went to her restroom and found it in her medicine cabinet without too much issue

I gave the bottle to her as I looped back to the kitchen and got her a glass of water from her fridges tap

Ok sweetie, the recipe is already out on the counter in my book, it’s called ‘wacky cake’ and it takes two batches to make all the cupcakes, cupcake trays are in the same place as the cookie sheets but back farther, should be four of them… and liners are… in the spice cabinet I think

Ok, got the recipe, and… I leaned down to dig in the cabinet, yup there’s the pans and I pulled them out and set them on the counter, and went to the spice cabinet and poked around, ah, there’s the liners, cute colors

Yeah, Ok, so, one thing to be aware of when you set the oven to preheat is my cupcake pans are dark, lower the oven temperature by 25 degrees and increase the baking time by five minutes… you should be able to fit all 4 trays in the oven at once, but be sure to wear the oven mitts and not just the hot pads cause it’s a bit of a tight squeeze, and then we have to wait after they are cool enough to get them out of the trays and do the second batch… don’t mix the wet and the dry for the second batch early, or they won’t raise

Ok, anything else?

Just follow the recipe, add the dry ingredients, add the wet ingredients in one big measuring cup, and then carefully mix it all together, it’s very sloshy at first, oh and line the trays before mixing as it all needs to go in fast once mixed

Got it I think I said

I quickly put a liner in each whole in the tray, and then made sure I had our all the ingredients I needed. I called out the ingredients as I added them to the mixer, flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, and she called out don’t forget the salt! And then in a big measuring cup I put water, vegetable oil, vinegar and vanilla and slowly mixed it all together in the mixer

She explained she had a way to measure them out equally and I grabbed the specific spoon out and used that to ladle in to each tray and was scraping the bowl for the last one. I had an idea though before starting baking and took a spoon over to her and she dipped a finger in it and agreed it tasted right

I went back and squeezed all 4 trays in to the oven and set a timer, I cleaned up the bowl and measuring items really quick before measuring the dry and wet ingredients for the second batch but not combining them yet so as to not set off the baking soda and vinegar reaction early

There was still 10 minutes left before the first batch would even come out and I sat down next to her exhausted already

How did you do this before me? I asked

Oh Ana helped and before her I did a lot less and it was a lot smaller thing and I was younger. So, how did therapy go?

It, went ok…? I’m not entirely sure how to answer that, I talked about recent and distant past events, she talked some about transition and what it might mean, she wanted me to schedule an appointment next week and I’m going to do that, even if I have to pay out of pocket…

Good! I’m glad it went well

Also… she gave me homework that I had to go with you and have a good time tomorrow, whatever that entailed… also she gave me a pamphlet on the transition care center at my provider

Oh! You have Wilhelm? Be warned, their mental health side sucks, you are absolutely better off with outside options unfortunately… but… the kids I’ve talked with rave about their transition care center

That’s, good, I hope, I still don’t know what I want to do in that regard…

Plenty of time to figure it out

Also… she got me thinking about my name, and I don’t honestly know what I would rather it be, I don’t hate my name, but it’s just not… very feminine

Hrm… that is a tough one, but here’s a bit of a secret, you don’t have to pick just one, I mean, legal name wise it’s enough of a pain to change once, you probably wouldn’t want to go through it again, but, you can try on different names to see how you like them in advance

Oh, that makes sense

My timer started beeping and the cupcakes were smelling wonderful, I went and pulled out the trays and set them on hot pads on the counter

I set another timer for an hour from now and sat back down and just enjoyed talking with Mrs Fredericks for awhile, it was nice to hear more of her life and also share more of mine

When the cupcakes were sufficiently cool I plucked them out of the trays and on to wire cooling racks and reset the trays with fresh liners, and then Mrs Fredericks called, oh right, pans still fairly warm, reduce the timer by a few minutes

Gotcha I said as I mixed the wet and dry for the second batch and got them in the oven really quick, setting the timer for a few less minutes

We chatted more, and by the time the cupcakes were out her back was feeling a bit better and she had me help her get a couple things done around her place while the trays cooled. I plucked them out a bit sooner this time being careful to not burn myself, and in the end there was 48 cupcakes waiting to be iced in the morning

Are you sure we can get these iced tomorrow morning before the brunch and get to it?

Absolutely, just be here by 8 and I’ll already have the icing ready hopefully

Just, be careful with your back

She laughed I will, a good nights rest usually helps

She headed off to get ready for bed and I headed back to my place to get ready for bed myself. I took my shower and on a whim decided to try shaving my legs… it uh, didn’t go great, but they did feel pretty good, albeit with a couple bandaids. I collapsed in bed and fell instantly to sleep.

Part 3