This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to real people or places is purely coincidence.

Content warnings for threatened and attempted gun violence against a trans person. Parent disowning child and deadnaming. Threatened conversion therapy 'camp.' Not all warnings will apply to all parts.

I’m a young professional, freshly out on my own for real. I had lived in the dorms with roommates through college but this time I was in a new city, where I knew no one, and was going to be making enough to afford a small, tiny really, apartment by myself. I had my bachelors of architecture, and it has taken longer than I would’ve liked, but at least it didn’t spill over in to a sixth year

I had gotten a job at a somewhat prestigious architecture firm, nothing major, just doing the scut work of designs, running figures, making sure the designs wouldn’t fall over, checking details from others, etc. I had never been more excited though, my new boss, their head structural engineer seemed very knowledgeable and like she would be good to work for.

My first day wasn’t for a week, giving me time to get moved in and settled before starting. I had arrived by plane, and I took a cab to my apartment, I needed a car probably for this hell of highways but hadn’t had one on campus and had my parents sell my old one on the other side of the country. Picking up my keys to the apartment was quick and painless. It wasn’t quite a studio, with the bedroom being hidden behind large sliding doors. I didn’t have any furniture yet, but had ordered a few cheap things that should arrive in the next couple days and I had a handful of boxes being shipped to me of personal items from home and college. I set my bags in the bedroom and decided I should go some find some basics.

Fortunately I had chosen a place near enough some stores, and the company had provided a generous lump sum relocation bonus so I decided to do a bit of shopping. I headed out, and walked to a miscellaneous store nearby for some basics for the kitchen, a set of utensils, a couple plates, a bowl, a couple cups, then swung by the grocery store for some basic food supplies. Carrying perhaps a few too many bags home I managed to get up to my unit and had to drop them on the ground to get at my keys.

As I was fumbling for it, a neighbor poked her head out, an older woman, who said oh! New neighbor! Hello! I’m Mrs Fredericks

Oh hello Mrs Fredericks, I’m George

Nice to meet you George, getting all settled in?

What little settling there is to do for right now, yeah, my stuff doesn’t arrive for a few days and my furniture starts being delivered tomorrow

No bed? Well that won’t do! I’ve got an air mattress you can borrow, have it for when the grandkids visit

Oh, thank you! Wouldn’t be the first time I slept on the floor and I couldn’t figure out how to haul an air bed home with the other things I needed

No problem! Get your stuff inside and your food put away and I’ll get it out

Thank you Mrs Fredericks I said getting my door unlocked and started moving bags inside.

You are absolutely welcome dear

I set the bags on the counter and started unloading the food in to the fridge and the cabinets, then put my utensils and plates away. I paused to look at my empty place and smile, it was going to be quite nice when I finished with it.

I grabbed my key and locked my door behind me and went to knock on Mrs Fredericks, who amazingly opened it right as I raised my hand

Oh! She said, there you are

Were you waiting by the door for me?

Maybe, maybe not she laughed, come on in

Her apartment had very much ‘grandmas’ place vibes too it, it hadn’t been redone as recently as mine, but it still felt warm and friendly and inviting, with afghan blankets on the back of every chair, and generally just comfy looking

Come on back she said leading me further in, her place was a little bigger than mine, and had a proper door to the bedroom I noticed. She opened a closet and continued, it’s that drawstring bag waaay up there, I can usually get it with a step stool but today my back said no

Oh, sure I can get it down, and easily reached it down from the shelf, managing to keep from getting buried in a landslide of odds and ends

It’s got a pump built in, just plug it in and away you go!

Oh nice, thank you again! I’ll bring it back as soon as my bed arrives I said and started to turn

Oh, before you go, you need some sheets and pillows

No really, this is plenty already I said

I insist she said, and she started rummaging in the linen closet beside me, and pulled out a fitted sheet, flat sheet, a pillow and case, and then went to the nearest chair and pulled off a blanket and handed it to me in the ever growing pile. Now, how about you run take that back to your place, then come back here and have a nice home cooked supper

Now there I really must draw the line Mrs Fredericks, you’ve already been more than kind enough already, and I bought groceries

She laughed, I saw what you had in those bags, pasta, some cereal, bread and some peanut butter, not a single green thing, not a single bit of non peanut butter protein. Now, are you allergic to anything? Any special concerns?

I will eat just about anything to be honest and during school subsisted on a loooot of instant ramen

Well then, I’ve got stuff here to whip up a nice meal for two, you come back while I get started at it

It’s really ok, I’m fine with what I’ve got

She looked at me and said, think of it as repayment for the mattress

I stared at her for a moment and realized she wasn’t going to take no for an answer, ok, I’ll be back in a little bit

There’s a good lad, see you in a bit! Feel free to come right on in

I hauled my bundle of borrowed bedding back to my apartment and dropped them in the bedroom, then decided to go ahead and get the air bed laid out and plugged in so it could fill up while I was at her place. Getting it out of the bag was a bit of a pain, but I managed, and got it laid out with the cord near a plug and plugged it in and away it went, filling.

I stood up and sighed and brushed my pants off and stopped and used my restroom real quick, saw my face in the mirror and sighed. I got out my shaving kit from my suit case and cleaned myself up, put on some fresh deodorant and brushed my teeth real quick. I slowly headed towards the door when I heard the pump shut off, I went to check and found the adjuster to get it to inflate a bit more and it went back to buzzing away as I left the apartment.

I approached Mrs Fredericks door and paused as I went to put my hand on the handle and I suddenly heard her call, come on in George!

She had a pot boiling, a pan frying and was chopping something on the counter

It’s really ok, you didn’t need to go to this much trouble

Sweetie, it’s pretty rare I have any one around, that air mattress hasn’t seen use in a couple years, and it’s nice to have a reason to cook again for someone besides me, why don’t you sit at one of those counter chairs and we can chat a bit.

I sat down, ok, I guess I can chat

So, what brings you here?

I just graduated a couple weeks ago, got a job out here

Doing what?

Architecture

Oh nice! World needs more buildings, especially more housing, especially here

Yeah, not sure what all I’ll be working on, but pretty sure the firm mostly does big buildings of various sorts

So long as it’s not more highways she laughed

I laughed, no, absolutely not, I even mentioned that during my interview and my hiring manager laughed because her previous job was doing design for overpasses and such

During all this, she was cooking away, stirring things, draining the pot that was boiling what I learned were potatoes, and shortly the chicken filets were cooked through and the chopping had been for a salad, and she fixed up a pair of plates and we went over to her small table.

We started eating for a bit and I didn’t realize how hungry I was and soon I was done well before she finished but she said, ok, ask, I can see it on your face

So, why haven’t your family visited lately?

Oh they learned a secret of mine from way back and got all upset at me. Bunch of bigots, who knew I raised such a terrible human?

What secret?

That I’m gay she laughed, not that I ever practiced it much but my daughter in law found a picture I had tucked away one day of me kissing my real college sweetheart, who was not her father in law may he Rest In Peace, and being the born again evangelical type, she got all in a huff and confronted me.

Oh. I said looking sad.

Anyways I didn’t try to deny it, and my son had known a long time but simply never mentioned it, I thought he was fine with it. The two of them cut me out, and forbade me from seeing my grandkids, who I really cared for.

That’s horrible

Yeah, well, such is life…

So you wound up married to a guy?

Yup, was still a lesbian though, he was nice enough, and he knew about it too, he was my beard in a society and profession that was very bad about accepting gay people in it. We ultimately decided to have a kid, but one was enough for us, and we had a good life, not the best, not what I wanted, but a good life

That’s, good, I guess, have you tried reaching out?

Oh a couple of times, but like, every time she picks up and asks me if I’m still a fornicator or whatever nonsense slur she’s heard most recently and then hangs up. But enough about me and my sorrow, what about you? Any boy, girl or date friend?

I laughed, no, no time, no money, college for architecture is brutal, and my high school was small, like, everyone knew everything about everyone small, didn’t want to try and date in that environment

That’s honestly understandable, nearly got outed to my parents for my high school girlfriend because of that, but somehow managed to get it brushed off and ignored

She slowly finished her meal and we chatted more, she let me talk about my hopes and dreams, I wanted a family and kids but honestly didn’t know if it would happen, I wanted to design amazing skyscrapers and beautiful missing middle housing and I had such plans

Eventually when she was done, I took our plates back to the kitchen and scraped off the remnants and put them in her dishwasher

Thank you for the lovely meal I said, it’s about the best one I’ve had in a long time

And thank you for the conversation, I’m glad you are going to be my neighbor, you seem like a nice kid

I puffed my chest out a bit, I am very much an adult before bursting out laughing, I’m sorry, I just have no idea what I’m doing

She laughed you know, no one ever does, but I think it’s refreshing the younger generations are admitting it

I grinned, I should go home and get some rest, I think my furniture arrives tomorrow, some assembly required and I’m the assembler

Oh I love those, enjoy, and holler if you need any help

Will do I said, opening her door and heading in to the hallway, I walked the few steps over to my door and unlocked it, going inside and locking it behind me. I went to the bedroom and started making the now firm enough air bed, and the sheets and pillow seemed nice, and the afghan Im pretty sure she had made I was very careful with. I got out my sleeping shorts and I went to shower and such before bed, it had been a long day, starting a long ways away. I dried off, put on my shorts and went and got down in to the bed, pulling my phone out to check in on things, texted my parents that I was fine and not much else and went quickly to sleep.

---

The blinds in my new place left something to be desired, and I found myself awake early in the day, I decided to get out my laptop and do some planning of what all I needed to get, started bookmarking a few used car dealers, my relocation and signing bonus were good but not new car good. When I had figured out how to get around in the meantime, and double checked the time, I went and read some stories online to pass the time. I would’ve streamed video but I was currently tethering off my cell phone, my internet installer wouldn’t arrive for another couple days.

I got bored and put away my laptop and started getting ready for the day, picking out some clothes from what I had with me, the rest still coming in boxes.

I decided to do a thorough check out of the apartment, and fill in the form on the website they had handed me a link to for initial state of the place. I opened all the doors, checked in all the cupboards, and nothing seemed notable, until I got to the closet in the bedroom, when I found a box in the closet that was sitting in a dark corner and I guess had been missed. Out of curiosity, I unfolded the tucked in flaps on the top, and inside were clothes, what appeared to be women’s clothing. Realizing they must have been the previous tenants items, I decided I would message the building manager real quick and see if I could arrange to get them back to them.

I pulled out my phone, and dashed off a quick email to the leasing office, and saying it was ok to share my email with the previous tenant, and then proceeded to go around closing the various doors and drawers I had opened. I went to the pantry and got out my cereal and got the milk out of the fridge and made myself a bowl and ate. As I sat there my phone buzzed

Hello George, this is the delivery company, the delivery of your items has been delayed, but will be there today, will you still be home between 1-5pm?

I picked up my phone and texted back

Thats fine, I’m not planning on going anywhere

Excellent, see you then

It was still only 8:30 in the morning, and there was a lot of time to kill before then. I sat down against the wall and proceeded to reach out to a few dealers nearby about some cars on their lots, making calls, and finding out that one had recently been reduced in price and it hadn’t been updated on their website. I agreed that I would come give it a test drive when the lot opened tomorrow, and I left messages at a couple other lots. Car shopping without a car wasn’t great, but I opened maps and started figuring out getting there, and I got lucky on the bus routes nearby.

My computer buzzed with an email

Hello George! I’ve gone ahead and reached out to the previous tenant, and sent her your email in case she preferred to contact you directly.

I still had several hours to go before then, and still needed things for my apartment I could get on foot. I headed out and grabbed toilet paper that I had forgotten, thankfully someone had left a roll on the holder. Also got some cleaning supplies, and some additional groceries. I got back up to my apartment about noon, and again slumped things on the floor while I fished for my key.

Mrs Fredericks popped her head out, oh hello George! Thought that was you

Goor morning, or I guess I should say good afternoon Mrs Fredericks

Take it your furniture didn’t arrive this morning as expected

Nope, was delayed til this afternoon, but I got a few more essentials, and hoping to get a car tomorrow, got a test drive scheduled

Oh thats wonderful! You do let me know if you need any help with the furniture she said

I laughed, will do Mrs Fredericks, and started hauling things in to my place to put away.

My phone buzzed

Hello George! We are on our way! We can do your delivery now or after lunch, either way

I quickly texted back

After lunch would be better I think, see you soon

See you soon!

I finished putting away things in their proper places, and threw together a sandwich and ate it, and quickly washed my plate and bowl from this morning off. And before too long, my phone buzzed again

We are almost there, 5 minutes

I grabbed my phone and keys and rushed downstairs in time to see them pulling in to a spot on the curb they probably shouldn’t have, but they did anyways.

The passenger hopped out of the truck and approached me, hello, are you George?

Yup

Got your order, the elevator working here?

It is thankfully!

They opened the truck door and lowered the lift on it, and pulled a pair of carts out that had large packages on them. I didn’t think both would fit in the elevator, much less with the three of us, but we somehow all did, just barely, and when we got off at my floor, we were quickly unloading packages from the cart in to my place, they didn’t move them past the main room but that was ok.

Thank you! I said, handing each of them a 20 discretely

Thank you! they said heading off to their next delivery quickly.

I surveyed the mess, a couch, a bed and mattress, a book case, entertainment center, and a coffee table, it wasn’t much, but I would have a place to sit, and a place to sleep and a couple places to store some things.

My phone buzzed again and I saw an email from an unknown sender,

Hello George, my name is Ana, and Im the previous tenant of your unit, I heard you had a box with some clothes of mine that got left in the closet. Its ok to do whatever with them, donate em, toss em, keep em, whatever, I won’t be able to get back down to LA for at least six months if not longer as I’ve already gotten settled in up here in San Francisco, Thank you though for reaching out abut them ~Sincerely, Ana

I quickly emailed back,

Hello Ana, thanks for getting back to me! And no worries, Im sure I can find some place to donate them where they will do good. ~George

I however didn’t have time to deal with it now, and I quickly folded the box back up and shoved it in the closet without thinking about it. I realized looking at the boxes I lacked tools of any sort, much less a pair of scissors or a box cutter to get the boxes open. I sighed and looked at my watch, if I wanted this stuff assembled before bed time, I would need to borrow tools from Mrs Fredericks probably, as I wasn’t even sure the miscellaneous store had any. I sighed and said to myself, ok, just don’t let the grandmother with a bad back actually help and turned to head out the door

I knocked gently on Mrs Fredericks door and waited, I didn’t want to knock again and I was aware she might be taking a nap or something, but just as I was getting ready to turn around and head back to my door, I heard her call, Im coming! Sorry Im slow, Im old. I heard the chain rattling and locks undoing and she opened the door, Oh! It’s you George! You need help? Those boxes looked awfully big, I peeked when I heard you clamoring about with them in the hallway

I laughed, I think I can manage, but I do need to borrow some tools if you have any, Im not sure the store here would have any and I want to get my bed assembled by tonight

Oh! Of course I have some tools, come on in, she went in to her kitchen and opened the cabinet beneath the sink, this is where Art kept em, I haven’t had much use for them lately, although I do sometimes use the hammer to hang a picture or something.

I reached in and pulled out a surprisingly heavy tool chest

I will bring these back as soon as possible, along with the air mattress

No rush! like I said, I don’t use em much, and Im sure you will have even more than what you had in the long run.

I laughed, yes, but I can get my own tools once I can get around a bit easier than walking or transit.

True, anyways, good luck with em!

I hauled the toolbox back to my place and set about opening boxes and assembling things, starting with the couch, which was a bit hard by myself but I managed. Then on to the bed which I just about asked Mrs Fredericks to help with, but managed in the end. I finished with the entertainment center and the bookcase, and then collapsed on the couch. I had finished well past supper and I was starving and decided to do what any reasonable person would do, order take out. I found a nearby Chinese food place that had my mouth watering just thinking about it and ordered some spicy chicken, rice, egg rolls, and dumplings, more food than I usually would get for just me but I was extremely hungry.

In about 30 minutes, I heard a knock at the door and went to open it, greeted by the delivery person

Hello! You must be the new tenant, we delivered to Ana a fair bit too

Yup thats me, oh this smells good, I said as I took the bags, and handed over a tip for the delivery person, continuing if its as good as it smells Ill probably be a regular customer too

Thank you! And hope you like it, have a good evening!

You too I said as I closed the door and sat about sorting out things and plating it up, realizing I hadn’t gotten a pair of chopsticks yet, which I added to my mental list to acquire the next time I went out. I sat down on my couch with my plate, fork, and big glass of water. I checked my tracking info on my packages, and ultimately decided to relax and read some more on the story I had been reading for awhile.

I never quite got in to serious novels, or comics, or serious stories, I read what I had to for school but not much. And then I found fan fictions, which for all the reputation, was not all about sex, there was some of that sometimes, but mostly just people really in to character development and enjoyed slow burn stories the best. It was a bit unusual as hobbies go to some maybe, for me, but I enjoyed it.

Eventually it was late, and I had a lot on my plate tomorrow, including hopefully buying a car, and picking up some bigger things I needed to make this house livable. As I got ready for bed, taking a shower, and such, my mind wandered to the box, how does one leave behind a whole box of clothes? Why hadn’t the management found it when cleaning the place up. I wondered briefly as to what type of clothes it was, but quickly shoved that thought back away. I got out of the shower and dried off, put on my sleep clothes, brushed my teeth and went to my bedroom and collapsed on my bed, with not even sheets that fit as the bed was a queen and the air-mattress had been a twin, although I did grab the pillow Mrs Fredericks had lent me.

---

For as tired as I was, I would’ve expected sleep to be easier, but in truth, it was rather fitful, and by the time I finally got to a sound sleep, I actually slept clear to my urgent last moment alarm. I startled awake, and quickly got dressed, glancing at the closet and the box as I rummaged in my bags for clothes.

I shoved those thoughts back aside and grabbed my wallet, keys, phone, and a zipped binder of various papers needed for doing things like buying a car. I rushed out the door and down the elevator and out to the bus stop… just in time to see the bus leaving. I sighed and checked my phone, the next one was 20 minutes away, and I decided to just wait, and sat on the rather awkward bench and scrolled some on social media. I wasn’t terribly active on it, I had artists I followed and I liked and retweeted their art some but never really posted or interacted with anyone.

The bus eventually arrived, and I hopped on, slipping exact cash in to the toll box, smiling at the driver. I still needed to figure out getting a transit card or pass here. I may be getting a car, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t use transit when feasible. The bus wasn’t terribly crowded and I found a seat about halfway back and pulled my phone back out.

The bus started and stopped and I paid some attention as the sign changed as to what stop was next and when mine flashed up as we pulled away from dropping some people off, I pulled the stop cord and got up. The bus had gotten more crowded since I got on, but I was able to worm my way to the back doors.

When we stopped I wasn’t the only one getting off, and I called out thank you in the direction of the bus driver and hopped off. I pulled my phone out and got my bearings and headed in the direction of the dealer. The dealer was one of those lots that focuses on lightly used vehicles, with relatively little haggling. I met with the salesperson I had talked with and quickly got a test drive out of the way, and the car seemed fine from my admittedly, not terribly deep knowledge, but it was a reliable brand and model, and we quickly dispensed with the paper work.

I couldn’t do the dmv for awhile as I needed the title work to come through, but I had temp tags and my out of state license was valid for now. I stopped and grabbed some food at a fast food place we didn’t have locally. While I sat in my car eating, I pulled up the list in my head of the various things I needed to do, and my mind flashed to the box, again, which was odd. I wasn’t like this, I didn’t focus on trivialities like someones cast off clothes. I shook it off and remembered the other things, more cleaning supplies, a small tv, some hangers, some bed linens, things that wouldn’t be coming with my boxes that the delivery company now said wouldn’t arrive til Friday which was frustrating, but wasn’t much I could do.

I hit up a big box store for most all of it, and while the bill was somewhat distressingly large, but I still had a significant portion of the relocation bonus left. I got back to my apartment and started hauling my purchases up, and was promptly greeted by Mrs Fredericks the first load I set on the floor to get my key.

I thought I heard you George! How did the car hunting trip go? Guessing successful?

I was! Was much easier than I expected honestly, this was the first car I got on my own.

Nice nice

I finally got bedding and such of my own! Ill be bringing yours back over in just a little bit

Oh thats fine! Take however long you need

Thanks Mrs Fredericks, I really appreciate your help I said and she smiled and closed her door. I hauled the load inside, then quickly turned around, locked my door and headed back down to get the next load. It took two more trips to unload everything, but in the end it was done, and I quickly folded up the sheets and pillow and got the bed rolled up and put in its case. I bundled it all up and realized I should wash the sheets first. Thankfully this building had in unit washer and dryer, even if they were tiny apartment units. I quickly loaded them in and started the washer, and started it going, thankfully I had remembered laundry detergent.

I set about unpacking the rest of the things, putting them away and setting up the tv. I had a streaming box to plug in to it, but due to lacking internet still I just left it sitting there. The ISP installers texted saying they would be here tomorrow. It wasn’t yet supper time, so I sat down with my laptop, intending to read more. And then it seeped back in. Again. That box.

I sighed, my brain really wasn’t going to let go of this, I went in to the bedroom, pulled it out of the closet and set it on the bed, I said to myself Why am I this nervous about this? It’s just clothes. I huffed and opened the box in a hurry and tipped it out on the bed. There was what appeared to be a mix, there were a couple of tops, a pair of shorts, a skirt, and a dress. Nothing fancy or much, just clothing.

I stared at it a moment and then felt foolish, it’s just clothes, everyone wears some bit of them in society. Ok self, get ahold of yourself I said quietly to myself. I quickly folded them back up as neatly as I could, and put them back in the box, closed it up and placed it back in the closet, then proceeded to sit down and read for a bit, but my mind was still really distracted and I kept having to reread sentences over and over.

The washer dinged finally, and I swapped the load and set about making some supper, just a sandwich and some chips I had gotten at the big box store today. I sat there and ate and waited on the dryer to finish, reading a bit as I went. The food helped and my mind was less distracted than before, and I actually made some progress. There were flags though a character I really enjoyed and felt I saw a lot of myself in was going to start going through something in the next chapter and it made me feel weird, so I switched to another story that was fluffier to read for awhile.

The dryer dinged, and I took out the sheets and pillowcase and fluffed them up, and folded everything up and went to take them back.

I walked across the hall and knocked on her door and even before she opened it I could smell it, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.

She opened the door a crack, oh hi George! Come on she said undoing the chain and heading back to her kitchen

I decided to wash the sheets before returning them

Oh that’s lovely, thank you! My unit doesn’t have the in unit washer and dryer, I use the ones down in the basement, that’s a feature of the newer remodels

Oh! I had no idea, well if you ever need to run a quick load some evening or weekend, just let me know!

Oh that’s very generous, thanks! Also, have a cookie! Fresh out of the oven and still warm, but not too hot

Thanks I said, just as soon as I get this stuff put away for you!

I quickly put the afghan on the back of the chair it had come from, then went over to the linen closet and put the air mattress back up in the spot it had been up too, and put the sheets and pillow back in the place she had taken them from lower in the closet.

I came in to the kitchen and she handed me a plate with a pair of cookies, Milk? She asked, well, oat milk or whatever it was my doctor said I should switch to

Oh thank you, that would be nice. She quickly poured us both a glass and we took our plates and glasses to the table to eat

So how are you doing? She asked

Oh I’m fine, apparently the previous tenant left behind a box of clothes and I reached out but she didn’t want to pick it up or have it mailed, so I guess I’ll donate it

Well I’m sure they were nice Ana was always dressing very nice

They seemed kind of plain to be honest? Anyways enough about me, what’s with the giant pile of cookies? Surely you don’t need several dozen cookies yourself

Oh I don’t, those are for the others at the LGBT center’s senior/youth brunch where I go hang out and learn and teach. I don’t understand all the things the kids these days are, but I didn’t understand all the things my peers were and I didn’t have to to care about them,

Oh that sounds nice

Yeah, it’s one of the highlights of the month to me

Month? Oh! Pride, it is June next week, isn’t it

Yup! The brunch is the weekend after next, after that I’ll let the young folks have their big party the rest of the year. I have to start on the baking early though, I freeze em all and then the morning of take them out there and they don’t need refrigeration before lunch. Got several more desert types to get done too. Cupcakes and a couple other types of cookie

Oh wow that’s a lot

It’s how I can still contribute she said, smiling

Well if you need any help with it, don’t hesitate to ask

You are way too kind, maybe that apartment just attracts kind people, Ana usually helped me too

We chatted and laughed for a bit, her last batch of cookies dinged and came out and I excused myself and left.

My mind was still drifting, both to the box and the story I had switched away from earlier, so I picked up my laptop and moved it in to the bedroom, quickly made my bed with my new linens, then got ready for bed, took my shower. When I was done with the shower I quickly dried off, put on some pajama pants and got in bed and picked up my laptop and started reading.

The character, Brian, in the story had always been a quiet, studious person growing up, and as an adult often acted as the straight guy to the rest of the slightly zany and fairly queer cast. There had been a viewpoint shift though in the previous chapter, and now we were seeing some things from his perspective and had started showing him having a deep seated melancholy behind his usually lightly smiling exterior. It seemed to be coming to a head and that was where I had left off.

As I read in to the next chapter, still from his viewpoint, I learned he hated how he looked, how the world viewed him, that he didn’t understand guys, and that he was incredibly lonely in spite of his friends, and honestly still relatable. As the next chapter progressed it was clearly coming to a head, he was rapidly losing the ability to keep his mask as he called it up. And then at the end of the chapter, he is crying as he talks to the main protagonist, a woman who has been his best friend since college. The final line of the chapter is him saying ‘I’m a girl, I’m trans’ and that was the last words of the chapter and I suddenly realized, the last chapter currently published, the next one wouldn’t be up for a week, and my jaw just kind of dropped. What? WHAT? I said out loud, possibly too loud. And then I saw the author had used the blog section recently and saw ‘this will be the last chapter for a month’ a couple weeks ago

A whole month?? I practically screamed aloud, how can you do this to me? Brian is WHAT?

I of course had heard of trans people, but I didn’t really know anything about them, people who were guys became women? Women who become guys? That kind of thing? And pronouns, they wanted people to respect their name and pronouns, what were Brian’s? Should I use she for Brian? Is it ok to use that name? And why is this bothering me so much. And why did it bother others so much? Didn’t everyone want to be a girl at some point in their life? or girls wanting to be a boy? It’s just grass is greener but with gender, right? I knew there had been a time when those thoughts wandered through my mind, and I was a guy, right?

My mind was reeling as I set my laptop aside and got up to turn out the lights and go to sleep. I laid down and stared at the wall for what seemed like forever.

---

I did ultimately get to sleep at some point as I woke up to a loud banging on my door, I jumped out of bed and shouted just a minute and quickly threw on a t-shirt, I had slept past all the alarms I had. The knocking resumed as I rushed to the front door still sticking one arm through a sleeve

I looked through the peephole and saw the ISP installer looking slightly impatient, and quickly opened the door for him. Sorry about that! I severely overslept

It’s ok, first appointments tend to be like that, I got out of his way and the installer came in and helped me get set up with minimal conversation

While I wasn’t the most technically savvy person, I quickly changed the network name and password after he left as that much had been drilled in to my skull by friends nerdier than me. With working internet I hooked my laptop and streaming box up to it and could, if I wanted, watch things now, but I had other tasks to get done before work started… and then my mind went blank.

I went and grabbed my laptop and sat down. I googled ‘what does it mean to want to be a girl’ and saw a number of hits that all seemed to be talking about trans people, but like, I didn’t want to be a girl, did I? it had been a childish fantasy already a decade and a half ago. I decided to read what else the author had written, I found her Twitter, and realized she was trans, huh, I read some of her recent posts, which discussed the latest chapter and her hiatus and then my stomach rumbled. I hadn’t had any breakfast yet.

I got up and nuked some sausage and made a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat. None of this made sense, just because Brian and I shared a bunch of qualities doesn’t mean him being trans meant anything to me, but also as I tugged at the strings trying to get this to go away with logic and reason, another tangle appeared, why did I feel this weird jealousy? That made no sense. I shoved it away.

I decided that while I had other things to do, they could wait, I knew there was a park nearby and I needed time to think and walk. I put on my headphones and set some music playing, grabbed my keys and wallet and walked out. I walked downstairs, rather than using the elevator, and walked down the street towards the park. To say my thoughts were conflicted was an understatement, I kind of just dissociated and didn’t really remember anything from the walk. a couple hours later I wound up back in front of my apartment door, just staring at it, when I heard the door open

Hey you! I vaguely heard Mrs Frederick say even though she was only a couple yards away it sounded like she was underwater, when I didn’t respond George? You ok?

I’m, uh, I said starting to snap out of it, I’m fine

Freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional?

I uh, yeah, something like that, I need lunch and I finished unlocking my door and opening it

Ok, you good to make it yourself? I’d be happy to make you something and listen if you need

I, I don’t really have anything I want to say right now

Well I could talk then, I don’t get to do that tons anymore

I, ok, whatever I said, turning to follow her, and barely remembered to lock my door before going to her place

So I’ve got some leftover lasagna if thats ok

Thats fine I said quietly

She set about heading it up and I went ahead and sat at the table

So what were you up to this morning she asked?

Oh I just went for a walk after the internet was installed today

You seemed pretty out of it?

Did I? I guess I was, been a big week

It has been, moving across country, buying a car, meeting new people, enough for anyone to get a bit out of sorts she said as she plated up the heated lasagne and brought it over along with some garlic bread

Yeah, I guess you are right I said, accepting the plate, it smells good

Thank you, been making it a lotta years, was my sons favorite way back when

Oh I said sounding sad

She laughed, it’s fine, Art liked it too, and so did Ana and way back in college so did Ginny, food is how I show I care

I admit, I’ve never really cooked much

Most kids these days haven’t, and that’s perfectly ok, cooking takes time and patience and practice, and there have been restaurants and people who did specialty cooking tasks for more than just their home, like baking for many thousands of years

It’s sad isn’t it, how society got structured around an independence that isn’t really sustainable

It is, but, we can be there for each other in spite of society

We talked and laughed about things while we ate, and then she shooed me out so she could get a nap in before she had to start the next variety of cookies, and said I could come help with that in a couple hours if I wanted to

A nap honestly sounded like a good idea and I decided I needed one as well, collapsing on my bed and not even bothering to set an alarm.

I woke up a couple hours later, blinking my eyes and honestly felt a bit better, this was all pretty foolish.

I started running my mental list again, I needed curtains still, I could get those tomorrow morning and install them, then my packages should arrive, then the weekend with not much… and then starting my job…

I decided this afternoon I would help with the cookies, so I went over and knocked gently and heard Mrs Fredericks call out just a moment!

Eventually I heard a bang and was about to see if the door was unlocked to go check on her, when the door opened, what was that bang I asked?

Oh, just getting out a bowl.

So what type of cookies are you making today?

Sugar cookies! Frosted

Oh those are good

Yup! But a bit complicated with the designs, usually takes me a couple days to ice them all

Oh what are the designs?

Pride flags!

Oh like the rainbow flag?

Yup! And trans, bi, pan, and lesbian and ace and intersex at least this year

That’s a lot of icing colors I said sounding more than a bit surprised

You get good at it, I’ve got measurements all written down for it from previous years

Also I must admit, beyond the rainbow flag I don’t know what any of the rest of those are…

Well if you stick around to help, I’ll teach you a bit about each one as we make them

Sounds good to me, what can I do to help?

Well mostly I need help with the lifting bits, getting things in the mixer and such

I can do that, and I’ll try to stay out of the way the rest of the time.

I helped lift around the bigger bags of ingredients, and moving the bowl on to and off the mixer stand and such, and then she had me help with dishing them up. The first couple dozen went in her oven that was preheated, and another couple dozen already ready on the counter and I put the bowl with the bulk of the dough covered in to the fridge, and left a lump of it out for rolling and cutting

As cookie batches went in and came out every 9 minutes, we started rolling them in and out, and in the end had 7 dozen worth of cookies, all boring rectangles for now, set on cooling racks all over the kitchen and table

Ok, so a couple dozen for the rainbow, and like a dozen each of the others

This is a LOT of cookies, and you already have chocolate chip?

Yup! And I’ll have cupcakes and snickerdoodles too, It’s a big brunch, and when we are done, we donate the rest of it to shelters and food kitchens and such in the area

Oh that’s nice

Yeah, and a lot of those people are queer or have mental health issues too, its something I believe kind of strongly in, there was a brief period where I was homeless too

Oh, Im, Im glad you survived? I asked with a bit of a question sound, not really sure what else to say

I’m glad I am too! With the cookies all cooling, lets get to icing some of the first batch

What flag are we doing and me learning about first?

Oh I usually start with the trans pride flag, its the least saturated of the colors, so I can take my icing up through stages of color for the more saturated colors

Oh thats handy

It really is! It also starts with two colors that serve as the base for other colors, blue and red get mixed with yellow and each other to make purple, orange, and green, and thats the rainbow flag done

She pulled out some materials again and had me help measure and pour again as we made batches of icing, fairly precisely measured, and then added food coloring to two of them to make pink and light blue

She then showed me how to make neat lines of color easily

So, this is the trans flag? I saw that today online on someones profile

Yup! Been around since the late nineties, designed by Monica Helms, and it represents boys, girls, and everyone in between and not with the white stripe, the original’s even in the Smithsonian!

Oh huh, neat, so, trans people think they are another gender?

She gave me a LOOK that said NO. Sweetie, trans people don’t think they are, they just are

Oh, sorry

No worries, I take it you’ve not been around this much?

Lets just say that the church I was raised in thought long hair on a guy was nearly a mortal sin

Oh… wow, thats pretty hardcore

It never really made sense to me, and my parents were… at least they haven’t said anything about me leaving it… they still go, but when I turned 18 and went off to college they never bugged me about going back

Well there’s nothing wrong with faith, its the weird religiosity people attach to it that always bothered me. So you’ve never met a trans person?

Not that I know of, although I admit, I don’t know if I would know… I may be good at design of mechanical things but I was always bad at faces and things like that

You seem ok with me though?

There were some lgbt kids in my classes at college, they seemed like nice enough people, was kind of friends with some of them, but that doesn’t really mean I get it fully

We were silent for a bit while we iced another row of cookies

What if… what if I said I had questions about this kind of stuff… like, about myself

Well, I’d say that thats perfectly normal, a lot of people question things like this at some point, Ill be happy to help you find your answers

Thanks I said, we finished icing the trans flag cookies and she proceeded to have me help mix up the rainbow flag colors, and do them before we finished for the night

The rainbow flag she told me was created by Gilbert Baker, an artist in San Francisco in the late 70’s, had been eight stripes originally, but for various reasons had been reduced to six over the years and stuck there for the most part, until some recent variations on it like the Philadelphia flag that has black and brown stripes to remind us its not just white people who are queer.

The rainbow flags took longer due to the increased number of stripes and colors, but we finished right before I would normally consider my bed time

Thank you for all your help today George she said as I left, and if you want to help tomorrow, got more cookies to ice she said

I am pretty sure I am free, will come over about the same time?

Yup! Sounds good

I went back to my place, and started getting ready for bed, and saw my face in the mirror and I kind of hated it, I always had, I didnt look how I wanted at all, but truthfully I wasn’t sure how I wanted to look, but certainly not this

I climbed in to bed, exhausted from the cookies and the thoughts and the bad sleep and fell quickly, if not perfectly, asleep

---

Sleep was not optimal, my brain seemed to be working very hard on something as I slept, lots of dreams, lots of tossing. Exactly zero of the blanket or top sheet remained on the bed when I woke up to sunlight streaming in. I got up and performed basic rituals of getting ready for the day, I decided I had a better list of some of the things I needed now, and my boxes wouldn’t be here for awhile

I grabbed my keys and headed out to Ikea, picking up blackout curtains and a rod for the bedroom window as well as a drill, which Art’s otherwise well stocked tool chest didn’t have. I also grabbed a couple storage things for the closet and a reading lamp. I came back and had some lunch, getting a beep on my phone alerting to my packages arrival.

I quickly finished up lunch and headed down stairs to the package room to retrieve them, bringing a dolly with me I had picked up on one of my shopping runs. It was a good thing, I had forgotten how heavy the box of books was, along with a box of dvd’s, and some more of my clothes. There were other boxes to come eventually, it would be cheaper to ship them out other ways perhaps, but there wasn’t enough to justify a pod or a moving van clear from the opposite end of the country…

as I was fumbling for my door key again, I heard Mrs Fredericks pop her head out, oh! You are around

Is it time to ice cookies already?

Not quite yet, what you got there?

Some of the stuff I couldn’t carry on the plane, but had shipped out to me

Oh nice, always good to have your things with you

Yup! Going to unpack them and hang my new curtains

Oh yay for curtains! Im sure your side gets too much light in the mornings. Going to take a nap for a bit, then icing time?

Yup, ready to come help knock out the rest today

Sounds good, see you in an hour or so

I managed to relatively quickly do a somewhat ok job of hanging my curtains, and with them closed, it was certainly much darker in my room even in the middle of the afternoon, I hoped they might help my sleep some. I quickly got the box of clothes emptied on to hangers, along with the rest of my suitcase, and books and dvd’s slotted in to their new homes. Some text books, as well as some fiction books.

I realized it was probably time to head over and I brushed the dust off myself and headed over.

I knocked and heard Mrs Fredericks holler come on in!

I found her door unlocked and went in, Howdy, reporting for duty I said with a laugh

You sure you are up to this? I don’t want to wear you out too much, you’ve had a big week and you start t the new job next week, right?

I’m ok I said, lets do this and tried to sound tough and she laughed

Ok, so, today is the bi, lesbian and intersex flags, and they aren’t very friendly colors to each other, but we will be basing some of them on yesterdays, and it shouldn’t be too bad

We quickly mixed up more colors, and proceeded to do more flags, I learned there was a lot of controversy around the bi pride flag, due to supposed claims of ‘ownership’ by a group that had no standing to do so, and who’s leader is now a hard right conservative christian as well, and the drama around the lesbian flag sounded intense but I admitted I didn’t really understand it much and I said as much

Well, George, you know those trans pride cookies we did yesterday?

Yeah

And you remember how I said trans women are women, and trans men are men?

Yeah?

There are people who don’t believe that, but also consider themselves lesbians, and wish to exclude their trans sisters, and perversely often try to include trans men, often against their wishes. Then, regardless of creator intent, things get all twisted around, and someone tries to claim the flag itself is a problem, and then the fights rage on. The LGBT community can be terribly toxic sometimes, its what happens when you take tons of ongoing, fresh infusion of trauma in to a group with relatively little power, and sometimes that trauma comes out as anger that is misdirected

I uh, I guess I could see that, I watched multiple groups in my church just utterly implode as a kid, and while their trauma might not be the same, and they turn around and inflict trauma on others, it doesn’t mean they didn’t get traumatized by a system dating way back

Precisely, we perpetuate the harms of the systems and societies we were raised in on to each other, and we have to work to be better. The reason Im using this version of the Lesbian flag is because with 5 stripes, its a lot easier to ice on to a cookie

That makes a lot of sense

It really does! There’s a kid or two, and an older person or two who complain every year about one flag or another, and we try to have a calm discussion about this

So one thing Im still not quite sure I understand, there are trans women who are lesbians? How does that work?

Well, trans women are women, just like tall women are women, and like any woman, they can be lesbians, orientation and gender aren’t linked, and sometimes it shifts while transitioning for them for a variety of reasons

Oh, I figured that they all wanted to be with guys

Mrs Fredericks laughed, sweetie, my first girlfriend way back when was a closeted trans woman, I tried to help her, I didn’t understand it back then, and neither did she, and there wasn’t as much out there as there is now. Im pretty sure I hurt her at least somewhat, but since then I’ve tried to learn and grow

Oh, huh, ok I said getting quiet… on to the next pair of flags?

Yup! Pan and intersex, Ill let you in on a little secret, the Pan flag is my favorite, its colors are so cheerful feeling to me, and this ones another one that is mired in unfounded controversy, but it’s creator is neither bi nor transphobic, and is inclusive of anyone of any mix of orientations

Mix of orientations?

She lowered her voice and put a conspiratorial air on, like bi and pan lesbians

Wait, what are those?

Lesbians, who don’t deny they might have attraction to, or feelings for someone of another gender, but for whatever reason, also strongly identify as lesbian, some just really don’t like men, some just strongly prefer women, but with all identities, its not our job to understand or gatekeep or enforce a meaning, its to listen and to learn and respect

I uh, huh, I mean, not really my place to judge I guess

Exactly! I’ve known so many people in this vast spectrum of gender and sexuality and identity, its amazing, and I have learned the best thing I can say to any of them is ‘thats so cool’, and then if they say they want to use new pronouns, whatever those may be, or a new name, or get help figuring things out, I can do that for them

As we finished up the last of the pan flags, she showed me the trick for making intersex flag cookies, using some templates to help the icing out, and they surprisingly didn’t take that long to make

Mrs Fredericks started explaining about intersex people to me, and how hard it was to know some of the conditions existed, and how sex really worked was actually incredibly complicated and still not fully understood on a dna level

So if I might ask… what does intersex have to do with LGBT? It sounds like a medical condition more than anything

Well, its complicated, we are both minority groups, and theres some common bodily autonomy and access issues which impact us both, and of course, there are intersex people who are also queer, but, not every intersex person identifies with LGBT people, we make them and bring them to acknowledge those who do come who are, to show they are a welcome part of the community if they want to be, same with anyone else that respects the ideas of bodily autonomy, consent, and the freedom to love who you love

I, I guess that makes sense

We finished putting away the cookies to chill in the freezer til next week, along with the big bags of chocolate chip cookies already in there

Are you sure you are going to have enough room?

The cupcakes are last, baked night before, iced the morning of but it goes super quick, Snickerdoodles the day before that and put in fridge, it will be fine… she washed her hands off and went to sit down on her recliner and I washed mine and sat on the couch next to her

So sweetie, yesterday you said you might be questioning things, any thing in particular you want to talk about?

I mean, theres been… a lot of things in my life that never made sense, like, I never understood the boys and girls lines in school, and why I was in one and not the other, or like, I never really had any interest in girls or later women, or guys, like, zero, I couldn’t see myself being with any of them. I said and took a moment to look at her, realizing I’d been staring at the floor

She sat there with her hand on her chin on her hand listening intently in the recliner with no signs she was ready to say anything yet.

I, I wondered sometimes if I was gay, because I didn’t really ever put effort in to being with any women… but then I like, actively thought about being with a guy and felt even less interested. At least with women I didn’t mind being around them, but I always felt actively uncomfortable around the guys, especially if it was just the guys around at the moment…

She still sat there listening

I just, I’ve never understood who I am or what my purpose is… Im out here for a job in a field I do love, but also, I don’t really care? I’ve had more fun with you this week baking things and otherwise than I’ve had in, well, a very long time, at least since grade school…

She finally leaned back a bit and spoke, Its hard to know your purpose or feel any sense of direction when you don’t even know who you are. I learned who I was early on, and while I hid it for a lot of years, my Art knew who I was, and so did I, and he was always supportive of me, and knowing that gave my life purpose, to survive, to fight, to build a better world for future generations, and in the end, I’ve gotten to be myself, maybe not in the same way as I would if I was a young person today, but I get to do things I can to help the community…

She paused a moment but I saw she was going to continue… it can be a hard thing to figure out who you are, and it can take a long time. That you are even looking now is amazing, I’ve known many who swept their truth’s under the rug for decades longer, and the longer you wait, the harder it is to want to face things, to do something about it. I don’t know who you are either, and only you get to decide that…

She paused again, thinking, I’m going to send you home with some cookies and some post cards that go with them when we hand them out the brunch, eat them, read the cards, think about who you truly are, and if you have any questions, feel free to come on over, I tend to be up late and up early, and while I take a nap most afternoons, if you need to talk about something, Ill be here for you

I uh, I think I would like that I said, and thanks, even if I don’t figure it out

She got up and walked over to the fridge, I’ve got faith kiddo, you seem smart, I know you’ll crack it she said with a laugh

I followed her in to the kitchen and she got out a plate, and put one of each cookie on it, and then got a post card witch each flag and a blurb of text with a URL for more information at the bottom

Thank you again Mrs Fredericks!

No kiddo, thank you, you’ve helped me a lot with my cookies, I would’ve been icing all of tomorrow and Sunday probably without your help.

I got home and I realized how late it was, I set the plate in the fridge and the postcards on the kitchen counter and got ready for bed, taking a shower, and quickly changing in to night clothes and collapsing in bed. The curtains made my room much darker and I was quickly and deeply asleep

---

I awoke Saturday morning to bits of light peaking around the curtains but not much. I had honestly slept pretty good. I got up slowly and started my morning routine and made some breakfast, seeing the plate of cookies in the fridge but decided to leave the cookies for now. I took my cereal and the cards though with me to the couch and sat down to eat.

Each card had a short blurb about the flag, although not necessarily the kinds of things Mrs Fredericks had told me but nice to learn, and then they had a short section about the group it represented, and then a URL at the bottom.

I started with the rainbow one and learned that while it was initially mostly perceived as for gay people it had become the overarching symbol for the whole community

I opened the link on my laptop after finishing cereal and learned about a number of events leading up to its creation, Stonewall, the shooting of Harvey Milk, things my schools had never bothered to teach me anything about. I cried as I read about HIV never having understood the kind of impact it had had, and how it was simply ignored by those who could do something to help.

I closed my laptop and for whatever reason, pan and bi were up next, and I read the bisexual manifesto, and I laughed at the frying pan and other jokes. I then learned how intersex people were often operated on for cosmetic reasons without their consent, and often times without decent medical records about it, and about how we didn’t really know well how many people were intersex because karotyping is uncommon.

The lesbian flag I learned of the many varieties of lesbians, dykes and chapstick and lipstick lesbians, he/him lesbians, of how they formed a central part of the movement for rights while the focus from the public remained largely on cis white gay guys, the struggles of lesbians often overlooked.

And then… then came the trans flag, last, due to a twist of luck. I read about Marsha Johnson, and Sylvia Rivera, of Compton’s Cafeteria years before Stonewall, and nowhere near as widely known. I learned the word dysphoria although I didn’t fully understand it. I learned that not all who were trans suffered dysphoria, and not all who were trans transitioned. I learned that being trans was actually very broad, an umbrella of things

I was starting to feel odd and I closed the website and put the cards away. I decided to be bad and try the rainbow pride cookie this early in the morning still and it was honestly really good, the icing was just right and the texture was just wonderful

I decided that I wanted to go sight see some, so I put together a few things and headed down to the car, I decided I wanted to see the beach, I had been to the ocean plenty before, but never to a SoCal beach which were quite famous

I slowly made my way through traffic to the nearest beach and parked, I didn’t have any solid plans, but I wanted to go dip my toes in the water at least.

It was fairly busy, it was a Saturday morning after all. I got out and walked toward the beach, it was weird being here in this crowd of people, young and old, women and men, tourists and locals. I felt the salty breeze on my face and I walked out towards the water, taking my shoes off when I got closer, and walking along in the waves of the incoming tide, occasionally getting splashed a bit, but it was nice.

I found a quiet spot of the beach and sat down for a bit and watched people go by, it was strange, I don’t think I’d ever been around this many guys or women in swimsuits ever, and I felt, well, nothing really as to wanting to be with any of them. It was strange, maybe I just wasn’t attracted to anyone at all… but also… I found myself looking at the women and remembering swim lessons all those years ago, hating it, hating to have my shirt off, which a lot of the other boys did without hesitation. I still didn’t understand how one could be comfortable like that….

And then I remembered it, one time mom got fed up and had said she would make me go in a girls swimsuit next time if I didn’t take my shirt off and so I had. I ultimately learned to swim, but I hated it and I just generally didn’t do it afterwards unless I could have my shirt on, which in time mom learned to grudgingly accept was just a quirk of mine.

I started to feel tears in my eyes, and memories of all sorts started flooding back, and I shouted NO, please no, not now, and felt tears in the corners of my eyes and got stares from others on the beach, I decided I should head home. I got back in my car and numbly drove through traffic, its probably a wonder I didn’t murder anyone, dissociating and driving is not good, but somehow I made it back to my apartments garage, and to be honest I don’t really know when I arrived, I just kind of sat in the car for an indeterminate period of time, it might have been a few minutes, it might have been an hour.

All those thoughts and memories that I had shoved away and locked deep inside me. Ever since I was a little kid. Ever since I realized that there was a difference and I didn’t fit. I tried to. I honestly had. Eventually someone driving in the garage rev’ed their engine really hard as they went too fast through the garage, and my brain snapped a bit back in to it for a moment, and I realized I should go up to my apartment.

I got slowly out of the car and made it upstairs, and by the time I was in front of my apartment I was losing it again. I struggled to find the key in my pocket, then I dropped it, then I banged my head on the door leaning down to pick it up, and finally I just slumped in front of my door and started crying.

I vaguely heard Mrs Fredericks open her door, George, are you ok George she asked? I heard a bang, oh! A part of me kind of heard.

She came over and said I’d join you but I don’t think I can get down there and back up, want to come to my place and have some lunch?

I’m, I’m fine I managed to get out, I’m just going to go rest I think

Have you eaten anything?

Breakfast

But no lunch?

No

It’s two in the afternoon, you need to eat, come on, you’ve eaten at my place before, whats one more time

Ok, I guess I said

She sat me at the table and quickly she brought a pb&j sandwich and a glass of water over, and some chips, which I mindlessly picked up and ate but very slowly

She did other things while I ate, leaving me alone, but as I finished, I was reaching for the glass of water and accidentally spilled it and started to cry again, Oh! She said, its ok, these things happen and she rushed in to the kitchen to get a towel to mop it up with. As she mopped she looked at me with a sadness but also a firmness in her eyes, ok, what’s up? This is the second time this week I’ve found you dissociating outside your door and I’m worried about you kiddo she finished softly

I’m, I, uh, remembered some things

Such as?

I was at the beach, wanted to see the ocean, remembered learning to swim, and other things

I do love the beach, although I don’t get there much these days, Art and I used to go and ogle the ladies together

I laughed, to be honest, none of them seemed attractive, neither women or guys, I just felt, like, dead inside about the whole thing

So, what else did you remember?

I, I need to go, I have some things to prepare for Monday

Wait, please, what else did you remember? I want to help you

I remembered the time I got caught in a friend’s dress, when I was preschool aged, the cold silent stare of my mother, the complete and utter dismay at constantly being put in the boys line this and the boys group that. How I grew to hate sports of every variety, team and solo. I went in to architecture because it was nerdy and artsy at the same time but not too overtly feminine by most peoples standards. I couldn’t stand the thought of being a finance bro, or a fashion designer, and I was good enough with math. Every choice I’ve ever made was to fit in a narrow path of not girly enough to get bullied, and yet, avoiding being any more masculine than absolutely necessary…

Oh sweetie… she said, can I hug you? You seem like you need a hug, I shrugged, and she came over and gave me a hug like only a grandmother could, firm yet gentle, loving and caring, and the tears started flowing down my face again

I… I didn’t know think I could be any part of the lbgt world, I knew it existed, but I figured it was only for other people, people luckier than me or something… My whole upbringing was sheltered from these things, and in college I only knew my friends at the shallowest level I could get away with, it was easier if everyone was at arms length… I, I’ve wanted to be a girl my whole life, I just didn’t think it was something that could or should happen… my voice trailing off as I finished

She squeezed me tighter again, shhh, its ok, tell you what, you just take a nap, you don’t even have to go back to your place, you can use my couch if you want, and we can talk about this more when you’re feeling up to it.

I nodded and she broke the hug and I made it over to her couch and collapsed. I was out like a light in just a couple minutes.

The nap was not a good nap, but it wasn’t a bad nap really either, I awoke feeling a bit groggy but quickly shook that off realizing where I was, I sat bolt upright and I glanced around but didn’t see Mrs Fredericks around, so I quietly asked, Mrs Fredericks? Are you there?

I’m here, she called from the direction of her restroom, out in just a moment, just doing some cleaning

Ok I said not really sure what to make of anything

I heard the sink run briefly then she came back in to the living room, so, you really needed that nap, it’s already a quarter to six

Oh, wow I guess I did… can… can I ask a question?

Sure sweetie

Did… did I really say I wanted to be a girl earlier?

You did

Oh shit

She made a tsk noise, language dearie and then laughed, oh shit is right, that was quite an admission

And if I asked you to forget I said anything and went on about my life?

I absolutely would keep your secret, but, if you don’t mind me asking two questions first

Ok I said, that’s fair

Why, and whether you wanted me to, or needed me to

I… I don’t really know how to answer either of those I said, hanging my head. Growing up I was always taught what I wanted was horrible, and wrong, at church, at school, and yes, at home… and… while I actively don’t believe in that book anymore…

It left a lasting mark

Yeah, and my family, they are all conservatives, like, not as conservative as a lot of people, but I don’t think they would take it well… I guess… I guess you don’t have to forget it, but I still don’t know what it means to me

Admitting all this, even to yourself is a big first step, a huge first step to include me in it, thank you for that, I’m always happy to help people figure out their truth

And… and what about my job, my career? Oh geez oh shit, I need to go… I said getting up

Woah, hey, no spiraling on me, as on every journey you have to take things one step at a time, she gently… let’s go get supper, I know a nice restaurant just up the block, and I haven’t the energy to cook tonight and I doubt you do either

I really don’t I admitted

She grabbed her purse and we headed towards the door, I wasn’t really listening to her, but she talked about something else all the way to the restaurant, I think she was trying to distract me, and it worked, somewhat anyways, I didn’t think as much about things

We got to the place, an unassuming little diner hole in the wall, and the server provided us with menus and I asked for water while Mrs Fredericks got iced tea. She continued talking while I looked at the menu, I wound up ordering a simple burger and fries, while she ordered just a piece of apple pie à la mode, saying she was entitled to silliness at her age sometimes

The server quickly returned with our food and she sat about enjoying her pie while I picked at my burger and mostly ate the fries

Not hungry she asked after a bit?

Not particularly I said, I don’t really know what to make of these feelings

Well, Im not going to claim to have a solid answer, but, exploring your feelings is good, trying on different clothing, names, pronouns, trying out makeup or nail polish, that kind of thing are all good ways of exploring, maybe some of those bring you joy, but mind you, none of those things make you a woman she said quietly, then tapped her head, its deciding up here that you are, its deciding up there whether and how you want to transition

I started eating a bit more while she talked, so, Im not particularly a good person to help with a lot of those, although I’d happily help in any way I could, I don’t do much makeup, I haven’t done my nails in 20 years and my clothing definitely wouldn’t fit you, but I can help you try out names if you want… and provide advice and a sounding board

I think I mostly need time to think, to calm down…

Thats totally fair, also, talking to a professional can be a help, I know a number of good therapists with experience with trans issues, some who are even trans themselves

Oh, wow, yeah, therapy, another thing shunned in my upbringing

its up to you of course, I think it could help you out

Yeah, no, its a good idea, would appreciate a list, although my medical insurance needs to kick in first I think

Will get you the list tomorrow she said smiling

We talked more, she discussed with me some things about dysphoria since I didn’t get it, and while she hadn’t experienced it first hand, she had a lot more knowledge about trans people than I did. I eventually finished my burger and insisted on paying for both of us, although she insisted on covering the tip

We walked slowly back to the apartment building, enjoying the warm summer evening. We rode the elevator up to our floor and she invited me back to her place to talk more if I wanted but I said that I just wanted to take time to calm down before bed.

It was not late, I got out my laptop and logged in and checked a few things for Monday to be sure I understood all the plans, and shot off an email or two to various people. I was yawning before too long though, in spite of my earlier nap and I collapsed in bed after doing my nightly ablutions.

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Sunday to be honest was boring, Mrs Fredericks brought me over a list of therapists, neatly hand written, which I pinned to the fridge for now. I declined her invitation to talk more, I needed to focus on work tomorrow, and I went through everything for the umpteenth time, and made sure my outfit for my first day was nice and clean and ready. It was boring, just boring khaki slacks, a nice button down, a tie, and the boring dark brown loafers I tended to wear when not exercising. I double checked my route for the morning, I could kind of get there by transit, but it would add an hour to an already not short commute.

I started getting nervous in the afternoon, I was going to be meeting a lot of new people and I honestly wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. The onboarding packet had been quite good in a lot of ways, but it doesn’t tell you the little secrets of the office’s culture. I was also starting to think about my gender again, knowing that it was a ticking time bomb made it even worse. I couldn’t un-realize this, although I could try and bury it again, and for now I intended to at least in part. The architecture world can be somewhat conservative in some ways, and I was nervous about what would happen if and when I eventually came out.

I did the basic tasks of life that day on autopilot, basic breakfast, lunch and dinner. By evening I was just watching tv and wishing it would do more to distract my brain from my thoughts, but it didn’t.

Eventually I decided to just go to bed a bit early, took a shower, brushed my teeth and such and collapsed in bed.

Part 2