This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to real people or places is purely coincidence.

Sunday:

Billy! My mom called, it’s time for you to get up! We have to drive to the pickup point for the bus, and you still need some breakfast and to get changed!

I was awake, had been for awhile. I had agreed to go to camp, but I didn’t really want to, I just wanted to hide. Mom banged on my door. Ill be coming in in 5 minutes if you aren’t up! I know you’re worried, but it will be fun, remember the brochure? It looked so nice

Things are rarely as cool as their brochure I called, besides, I hated camp last year.

I promise this one’s different! No one’s gonna bully you there, come on, trust your parents just one last time, if you hate it, no more summer camp, and we will come get you any day this week if you call saying you want to come home, but, I think you’ll like it and wish it lasted longer.

I grumbled. Fine. I’m getting up, be down in a moment.

I dropped to the floor from the top bunk with a thud. No one used the lower bunk, I just liked being up high out of sight.

I was thirteen and this was the summer before my first year of high school. I was looking forward to that torture even less than camp.

I got dressed in the clothes mom had insisted I lay out last night, knowing that I would be slow to wake and even slower at picking clothes out. It was just a pair of jean shorts and a graphic t-shirt with all the sprites from the original Zelda game on it.

My bags were already downstairs, so I headed out the door and downstairs.

I made eggs, and bacon, and some waffles for you! Eat up, we need to get going if we want to get to the bus on time and not have to drive you all the way.

We wouldn’t want that, would we? I said sarcastically

Hey, if you want to be late for the first day, be my guest, but I hear they do some really cool things the first afternoon that set up the whole week.

Yah yah, you told me already, I said finishing scarfing down the food. Mom was a good cook, but I didn’t really care.

Dad came in the front door, van’s all loaded, we ready?

Yeah, whatever I said, and I headed out the front door and sat in then back, grabbed my headphones out of my backpack, shoved them on and turned on some music. Thankfully my parents didn’t give me a hard time about it today, they often did

I stared out the rear window as we drove through town to the other side, up on to the highway and back off.

We pulled in to the parking lot of a school, and a big yellow school bus was there. Lots of other kids were there already with their parents, all unloading bags, and exchanging hugs.

I took off my headphones which paused the music as I got out of the van, I would’ve left them on but that would be pushing it probably.

Well, here we are! mom exclaimed, Just in time too, as I saw a camp staff member start to try and round people up.

Come on, mom said and guided my reluctant self over to the side of the bus.

Hellllo campers! She called out cheerfully. Great, another overly enthusiastic yet useless counselor I thought. Meh

Good morning all! I hope your ready! My name is Marie, and I’ll be one of your counselors this summer! And a chorus of cheers went up all around, except me and one other.

Well it’s ok if you aren’t excited, I get it, my sibling’s definitely not a morning person either. Gonna do a quick check to see who all’s here so far

All I wanted to do was get on the bus and put my headphones on for the 2 hour drive to the camp.

She finally called Billy? Billy S?

I grunted out, here.

She smiled and said ok, let’s get you and your stuff all loaded on the bus real quick, and then we will be off!

I had managed to manipulate mom in to ‘guiding’ me near the front of the bus earlier, and I hopped on quickly with my backpack and sat at the very back. The emergency door was open and I thought about making a break for it, but knew that would just lead to more trouble than it was worth. This was only a week long camp. I had enough music to last me twice that long.

The driver came up a step ladder at the back, whoa, you should move forward a couple rows, we pile the bags back here. I reluctantly moved forward exactly two rows. They filled the space behind me, and even the bench seat on the other side, which was fine with me, fewer people could try and interact that way. I sat my backpack on the bench next to me, put my headphones on and turned the music back up. I looked out the window and unfortunately it was the near side of the bus and mom and dad stood there smiling and waving and mom made a motion at her ears and I stuck my tongue out at her. She sighed visibly and continued to smile. I continued to make rude gestures their direction, at least the ones I knew and could get away with. Then mom was pointing, and I turned around

Hi, my names Lily! She said

I pulled one ear cup off, hi?

She asked, Can I sit here? Bus is full and yours is the last spot, can you move your bag?

Yeah sure I guess. I moved my backpack to my lap and put my headphone back on

Lily started to try and say more but I tapped my headphones and shook my head. It seemed to be accepted, but reluctantly, by Lily.

I saw Marie and the driver get aboard and started talking, the usual safety lecture, I took one ear cup off but didn’t pause my music. I put on my lap belt as requested, as if lap belts were of any use.

And with that we off. I put my headphones fully back on and stared out the window. The headphones weren’t noise canceling, my parents had said maybe for my 14th birthday, so I still heard bits of chatter. Marie pointed out various things outside, talked about camp activities and tried to get us all to join in learning and singing, including calling out me and the other quiet unenthusiastic kid in the row ahead of me.

I tuned it all out the best I could, and the time passed by slowly but surely. The trip which started on a relatively flat interstate turned off on to a state highway, which was still pretty big, and started going up and down some. We then turned off on a county road which was two lanes and a ditch and that was it before the wall of pine trees on either side. Occasionally breaks would appear in the mass of green and a glimpse of some valley or creak would flash by.

We turned off the county road and on to a dirt road, at least it was well maintained, if a bit rougher than the asphalt. We split once more and I saw the camp gateway go by but couldn’t read it, although I know it was named something like camp sunshine or something. We were still up a hill a bit, but beneath us was the parking lot, to the left the dining hall, the right various smaller activity buildings, and paths going off in to the trees on either side to the camper cabins. Ahead was a big field and beyond that a tower and the lake. Two other busses were already there, and their campers were unloading and sorting through bags.

We pulled in along side them and I reluctantly paused my music and put my headphones around my neck.

Lily tried to grab my hand and pull me along. Come on! Camp Sunshine awaits!

I’ll get there, not like it or I am going anywhere. Thankfully Lily relented and headed off the bus quickly. I stretched my arms out and blinked my eyes and got up slowly and made my way off the bus,. Marie was waiting by the door, Hey Billy! I was wondering if you would come

I’m here, where else would I go?

True, but we get a kid or two a year who get scared and don’t want to leave the bus

I’m not scared, I just want to be alone.

Ok, that’s fine, but you know there’s a lot of fun things we are going to do this week, right?

I guess. I went to the back and managed to find my bag quickly while everyone else was still flailing about. I wandered over to the field where people were congregating, and there was a table with a sign labeled check in.

Name? Another happy looking staff member asked

Billy S.

Billy, Billy, ah, here! You’re in the Caterpillar cabin! And he handed me a badge with my name and cabin name on it, and a picture of a caterpillar. And here’s a map he said taking one from the pile, and marking an x where my cabin was at.

Can I go put my stuff there now? I asked

In a bit, welcome and introduction ceremony out here first, will be forming a circle here in the field, why don’t you go meet some of your fellow campers?

I grunted a thanks and took my bag and saw a bench that was unoccupied and occupied it with me, my bag and my backpack. I put my headphones back on and hit play.

I watched the kids slowly get checked in, and file in to the field. I hadn’t looked much when boarding the bus, was an eclectic lot. Kids with purple or green hair, kids in a variety of different styles if clothing, although only few in just jeans and a t-shirt… I knew it would happen again, I wasn’t cool enough because I just didn’t care and I just wore lowest effort clothing. I saw the circle start to form and Marie started to head my way and I waved her off and got up and hauled my bag over to the circle and took my headphones off and put them around my neck and paused my music.

Eventually all of us were in the circle with staff forming a more or less contiguous block on one side, although a few were sprinkled in amongst the campers and a few campers were standing and chatting amongst the staff.

A woman stepped in to the center of the circle.

Goood afternoon campers!

A lot of campers responded loudly Good afternoon Penny!

As many of you know already, my name is Penny, my pronouns are she and hers, and I’m a lesbian! Also I’m the camp director, and in charge of all those silly staff people over there in polo shirts. I was surprised to hear her state she was a lesbian in her intro, that was certainly something no camp director I had met before would do.

I hope you all had a good trip out here! she paused while a chorus of yes’s and cheers went up, egged on a bit I noted by camp staff. Now you returning campers know the drill, were going to go around the circle and introduce ourselves, you can just say your name if you want, but we encourage those of you who know to share your pronouns, orientation, cabin, and or a fun fact about yourself!

She waved to a staff member who took their queue and started us off.

Hi everyone! My name’s George, and I use they/them pronouns, and I’m ace. I am the senior staff member and head counselor for the cabin counselors. If you ever have an issue, with another camper, even with a staff member, please find me, or Penny, and we will help figure it out. And for a fun fact about me, Im head of aquatics just down the hill there. They/them? Seemed odd… but as they went around the circle there were others who said it. I didn’t care that much, if they wanted to use they, whatever.

Eventually we got to me.

Uh hi, names Billy, my first and probably only year here, that’s about it. I wanted to sink in to a hole in the ground. I had never seen so many… LBGT? Was that the acronym? Kids in one place. I didn’t really fit in, I was just a boring, nobody.

While I was thinking, we came to my seat mate from the bus, she spoke quietly, hi my names Lily and a staff member from the other side called Louder!

HI MY NAMES LILY, I use she/her pronouns, I’m a trans girl, I don’t really have my orientation figured out, and this is my first year here, and I’ll be in Caterpillar.

There had been other trans people introduce themselves but I hadn’t really paid attention, but this surprised me. Lily was just a normal girl right? She had sat by me on the bus, she was wearing short shorts, and a strappy top with a rainbow on it. Her hair was in pigtails with little bows. Seemed perfectly normal to me. I was also surprised the cabins were coed, usually coed camps split people boys to one side, girls to the other. Eh, whatever, I thought, doesn’t matter.

Eventually we got back around to George, ok, I think that’s everyone? they called out, Before we all rush off to our cabins, I just want to say again, welcome! And there will be a campfire tonight and while attendance at anything isn’t required, it is strongly encouraged, this can be a fun week if you just let it, and I felt his eyes linger a microsecond or two extra in my general direction as he spun around while talking in the middle of the circle.

Marie, who by some annoying coincidence was also the caterpillar cabin counselor rounded all of us up and headed to the cabin. I chose a top bunk at the back of the room.

Hello caterpillars! She said, all of us said hi, although mine was grudging. Ok, so, if you haven’t pieced it together, yes, Caterpillar is one of the freshman cabins, and yes, it is coed, and I know that’s unusual, and yes your parents know. We take camper safety very seriously, so absolutely no harassing each other, and that goes for anyone of any gender, there is no ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘girls will be girls’ allowances made here she said sounding serious. Treat each other with kindness and we will have a wonderful week.

We all put our bags in the provided lockers, and I got up on my bunk and was ready to put my music back on. Lily had chosen a bunk near the front, but came back and said hey Billy! Want to explore the camp with me?

Why? I’m not going to be doing much this week, attendance is optional at everything, I’ll be here listening to music when it’s not meal or shower time.

Well we need to find the showers at least then! I’m sure it’s on the map I said dangling the piece of paper over the edge of the bunk. She grabbed it from me and ran back to her bunk. I thought about chasing her, or telling Marie, but that sounded like effort. In a minute she came back and said here, have your map back.

She had written something on it, I’m lonely and just wanted someone to explore with, I’ll ask someone else.

I sat up and looked as she approached Marie, oh heck I thought she’s gonna ask a counselor I thought, she won’t care. I got down and said hey Lily wait up

I walked over to hear Marie say, that’s a great idea Lily, and I was actually just getting ready to offer, and she looked over at me, and Billy! Will you be joining us. I grumbled yeah I guess, Lily turned at me and winked. I had been had.

Marie took all of us on a tour, pointing out the shower building, noting that all shower rooms were single occupant, and we should enter and leave dressed, and any kids caught in one together regardless of their genders, except for a designated helper for anyone with a disability, would be considered grounds for immediate expulsion.

Well that was a step up I thought, individual showers and bathrooms, the problems at my last camp started in the community shower, where kids started calling me slurs and pushing me. I was just quiet and alone and new and an easy target.

We walked on past other cabins, and came to a small fenced area with targets, And here’s the archery range Marie proudly proclaimed, aimed well away from any cabins

It was a nice enough range, and the targets were new, I had tried archery at the last camp only to be heckled by passers by for not being at the gun range. Lily said ooh, I want to try that!

The trail looped down and towards the lake after that and it came out at a cliff over looking the lake, and here’s our gorgeous lake, please don’t play on the cliffs, the bottom has some rather nasty, rather shallow rocks at the bottom of them.

I noticed Lily intentionally positioned herself away from the guard ropes

Hey it’s not that high I said

Some kids threatened to push me off one last year, I don’t like heights…

Oh, that’s awful I said, I uh, this camp seems nicer I tried

Yeah…

From there we walked down to the waterfront, which had a tall life guard tower over the store room and changing rooms, and a series of docks out in to the water, some kids were already out and splashing away.

There’s individual changing rooms down here too, Marie said, same rules as the showers

That’s nice I thought, 2 years ago the camp didn’t even have enough space and kids were on top of benches trying to find enough space to change. I didn’t get bullied since it was a bunch of other kids like me, but I was deeply uncomfortable experience, last year I didn’t even attempt anything at the lake at that camp.

They are giving swim tests today and tomorrow morning if you want to swim, otherwise you’ll be assumed a non swimmer, and only allowed in the shallow end, it’s a really nice lake, clear all the way to the bottom usually and we have good life guards who train regularly and use the buddy board system seriously.

One kid pointed at the tower on the dock next to the blob, and when can we do THAT!?

That’s saved for the Friday afternoon beach party! It’s a teensy bit hazardous so we have even all the non aquatic staff down to help with making sure it’s run as safe as possible. Your parents had an extra waver sheet for it and I believe everyone signed it this year, felt so bad last year when one kid who really wanted to do it and their parents hadn’t signed.

We continued on up away from the shore on the same path, with another set of cliffs on the other side. Lily again positioned herself away from them and suddenly grabbed my arm, then let go, sorry, I should ask first

Hey, it’s ok I said, and she grabbed back on for the couple minutes more we were near the cliff.

And here’s our little theater Marie proclaimed, I think our director is here and might be willing to talk to us briefly…

She opened the gate at the back of the amphitheater,

CLAIRE? Are you around

A woman poked her head out, hiya! A group of first years?

Yup! Caterpillar cabin

Oh fun! We are putting a play on this week, we are doing Romeo and Juliet and auditions will be tomorrow night! Sign up sheet will be in the cafeteria tonight and tomorrow morning and afternoon

Oh neat! Last year we did Midsummer’s Nights dream Marie said to us

Yup! It turned out really well

I missed most of it, a kid was not doing well and I stayed with her in the cafeteria

Oh right, I saw her name on the roster this year though! So I guess you must have gotten her past it

Yup! She’s back and I saw her at check in, she came over and said hi, and thanked me

And thats why we do it Claire laughed

Yup! Ok kids, this is the theater, Claire is really neat, and you should audition, its fun!

As we headed out, Lily whispered to me, do you want to audition?

I hesitated

I do she said, but Im scared and would like a friend

When did we become friends?

Since you let me hold your arm

Oh. Ok, I guess? Audition cant hurt too much, I wont be any good, and won’t get picked

Oh neither will I, Im too quiet

Marie pointed out the cabins on the other side of the field as we went by, and their showers, and admonished us that if our showers were full, the ones over here were too, and to just wait patiently on your own side of camp.

We walked up to the cafeteria building, with the kitchen, camp office, eating space, and big porches with chairs, various campers were hanging out and chatting as we walked around and Marie explained things.

Oh hey! its Billy a kid called from one of the chairs

I turned and pointed at myself, me?

Yup! I’m a Billie too, although with an IE not a y! Name Buddies! Billie had on their name badge a pin stating their pronouns, and a rainbow pride sticker had been applied after their name.

Nice to meet you Billie, I said as our tour group kind of continued on without me, I should catch up though

Right right, first years getting the lay of the land,! Catch ye later!

I caught quickly up

What did Billie want Lily asked quietly?

I think just to say hi?

Oh, Im not used to that

Neither am I, I said

And over here Marie said louder as we headed back towards our cabin across the field, is our various other activity cabins, the crafts cabin has classes daily, and some of them are really neat and fun, and all totally covered, no extra charges for anything in the camp, that is something we are kind of proud of, might as well make some use of it! This is also where I work when Im not being a cabin counselor! I’ve got classes for basketry, leather-working and sculpture, and also a short bit on making lanyards this week, you should come by! Most of the rest are actually just store houses for bits of gear for activities elsewhere like the archery equipment.

And then we were back at the shower house and not far from our cabin

And that concludes our tour, did anyone have any questions?

Lily started to ask, when’s supper? but another kid who was louder asked And what other activities are there at the waterfront besides swimming and the blob?

We’ll have canoes one day, and sailboats another, a camp on down the way has them and lends them to us one day a week each, thats marked on the schedules, and don’t worry if you already lost yours, don’t worry theres one posted in the cabin, as well as copies at every activity area and multiple ones around the cafeteria.

I spoke up, Lily wanted to know when supper was, and Lily blushed and whispered thank you

Supper will be at 6 every day, and yes we have all your allergens on file, and will be accommodating all of them.

Will it be good food another kid from our group asked

Marie laughed, well, after all my years here first as a camper, and then as a staff member and now as a cabin counselor, I can say that no, it will not be good food. It will however, be nutritious, edible, and filling. You might complain at a bad sloppy joe, but after a long day of biking, hiking, sailing, and acting, I bet half of you wind up back in line for seconds. I know I was!

This got some laughs.

Ok, you’ve got about an hour and a half before supper still, get cleaned up, hang out, I think swim test is still going on for another half hour if you want to.

Lily immediately rushed off to the cabin and came back carrying a bag, grab your swimswuit! let’s go! I want to get a swim test in today

I hesitated, I didn’t bring one, I had a bad experience a couple years ago

Oh, did you almost drown or something?

No, just the changing room situation was awful

Oh, yeah, I got so scared last year I didn’t even get changed last time, just paddled my feet in the water a bit, but my parents insisted I bring a swimsuit this time because this camp would be better. Maybe they have some extras around!

I uh, I guess I could put on some shorts and go in those?

Hey Miss Marie?

Marie laughed, it’s just Marie, Lily, whats up?

Do you have any spare swim trunks around? Billy didn’t bring his

You know, I don’t know, I think we might, let’s go ask at the water front. Marie and Lily started off and I reluctantly follow

As Marie walked with us down there she said, I’m surprised you are even going, wasn’t your plan to listen to music in the cabin the whole time?

Lily asked me I said grudgingly

Ah, well, going for a friend is a good thing to do, good on you Billy

We arrived in not too long a time at the water front, via a more direct route. Mary flagged down someone, when they turned I saw it was George,

Hey George, do we have any spare swimsuits around? Billie left his at home

Hrm… let me check, I think we’ve got a couple pairs around. George disappeared in to the back,

Yup, but uh, might be a bit loose, they had a pair of longboard trunks that definitely looked too big, but I hoped the draw string would close tight enough.

We disappeared in to the individual changing rooms, and the shorts were entirely too big, but the draw string closed tight enough, just barely, I think another half inch smaller and they would’ve hit a limit for how much they could collapse.

I came out of the room still wearing my shirt

Lily was out of hers moments later, Tada! she said, wearing a cute skirted one piece in blue with pink accents

Its cute I said

Thanks! she looked at me and giggled, it almost looks like you are in a skirt those are so big on you

I blushed, yeah they are kind of big

George greeted us as we came to the gate in the fence, and quickly jotted our names on a pair of ringed tags, ok, Im hanging this here in the testing area, they are white now, which is shallow end only, prove you can do at least 3 lengths without touching and they will get tagged with red, which lets you in the deeper water, but still within the U of the dock, and finally, if you manage 6 whole lengths without touching the bottom, you will get blue, and be allowed in open water.

He called out to one of the lifeguards, hey Rachel, two more for swim test! and be warned you two, that lake is cold

Great she called! just walk on out in the water and swim over to me if you can. I hated swimming for many reasons but I did ok at it from a mechanical skills perspective, it had been required in PE one year, another series of terrifying incidents but all of PE was like that.

Ok, ready she asked? We nodded and headed off to the other end of the U, I found I still could do it

Lily was clearly struggling a little bit, though and managed just over 3 lengths before touching bottom, a life guard immediately hopped in and made sure she was ok, while I completed my 5th and 6th lap. I got out of the lake immediately and sat down beside her on a chair on the beach where the life guard had her. George had already taken our tags off the test board, colored hers red, and mine blue and handed them to us, great job out there! I know its hard when you are a new swimmer still, Red’s good enough to do the other aquatic activities though without needing lessons!

Thanks George she chattered, that lake is colder than Im used to

Oh, yeah, you get so used to it that you don’t even notice, but yeah. We’ve talked about putting a pool in for swim tests and lessons, but its a lot of money

My teeth had started chattering too, and I went and grabbed a pair of towels for both of us and gave one to Lily, here you go, get dry and warm, and then we can change and go get supper. She nodded through her teeth chattering.

We dried off and got warmed up a bit, and joined the queue to get changed back as most kids were getting ready for supper. I hadn’t taken my shirt off, it was still dripping wet, I didn’t care much. In the bathroom I took it off and wrung it out, got changed, and started to return the shorts to George,

Keep em they said, you’ll want them if you decide to do canoes or sailboats later on this week. I doubted wanting them for that, but kept them and Lily finally got out of the changing room, her towel still wrapping her hair. We walked up the hill to our cabin together

Her teeth finally stopped chattering and she managed, you’re a good swimmer, you did that with those big things on AND a shirt, why didn’t you take off your shirt at least?

I uh, I don’t like having my shirt off around other people.

Oh, I get that, couple years ago my parents convinced me to do a water park birthday, kept my shirt on the whole time, but the kids teased me a lot about it…

At your own birthday? I scowled, that sucks

Yeah, anyways, this was nice, even if it was freezing

We got to the cabin and put our wet swim suits out on the porch railing to dry as we saw a number of other cabins doing that. Marie happened to be coming up to the cabin, oh, your’e back, how did you do?

Lily blushed, I only managed red

Hey thats ok, better than me, my first year I was a white swimmer, just sitting in the shallow end doing nothing

And now Lily asked?

Marie laughed, Im a blue, I got better, and I got used to the absurdly frigid water. I find regular pools plumb hot now and she laughed some more.

A heads up you two, fine to put your swimsuits out here to dry like that, just be sure to grab them in before we go to bed tonight, so they don’t wander off! Oh, and how did you do Billy?

Blue I said, been awhile since I went swimming in a lake though.

He really was good! even in those oversized trunks and wearing his shirt

Marie laughed a bit, sorry, you must’ve made a bit of a sight

I laughed, genuinely for the first time in a long time, picturing myself like that coming out of the water dripping wet

He laughs! Marie said, Lily clapped

I immediately shut my mouth and went back inside to get a dry t-shirt for supper, using the single stall bathroom at the back of the cabin to change real quick before dropping my wet t-shirt next to my swim trunks.

The three of us, and a couple other first years who had come running back to the cabin before supper all walked down and over to the cafeteria. I had eaten the sack lunch mom packed on the bus, but I hadn’t realized how starving I was when that sloppy joe hit my plate. I did in fact, go back for seconds, which they happily provided, causing Lily to giggle. She did not go back, although Im not entirely sure where her sloppy joe went, it had been on her plate one moment and it seemed like it was gone the next. And her sides disappeared shortly after.

There was chatter at the table, and I even lost a bit of my edge and joined in, a bit. Our table was just our cabin tonight, but Marie assured us we would be free to sit with whomever we wanted in the future.

As supper was winding down, I was starting to debate whether and when to head back to my cabin. Good evening campers! Penny called from a podium next to the big fire place at the lake end of the cafeteria. Did you have a good first afternoon? I hope so! I saw a lot of you out there doing swim tests, catching up with friends from previous years, and I saw Marie leading her troupe of first years around, I hope you are getting the lay of the land, both you in Caterpillar and those of you in Snowflake! and she gestured at both our tables.

So, some of you first years might have noticed, this camp is, perhaps a bit different than maybe you were expecting, and thats because it is. I was a bit confused, it seemed like a normal, if perhaps oddly populated camp. Certainly nothing on the brochure had been a lie so far

Penny continued, This camp is a safe place for kids to be their whole selves, regardless of gender or orientation, we have every flag under the sun represented most years, including cis gender, heterosexual kids. But among you first years, theres a few of you, who didn’t know that was an explicit point of this camp. Your families learned of this camp, and thinking maybe you were working on some things saw and asked for our discrete brochure that leaves out explicit talk of all this identity stuff beyond being an accepting camp…

Now I know of those of you who are, you might now be thinking betrayal, or fear of having been discovered or outed or whatever, I want to reassure you, absolutely nothing happens at Camp Sunshine without your consent. If you don’t want to do an activity, you absolutely do not have to participate, and that includes anything relating to your gender or orientation. I don’t know why but I was getting a bit tunnel visioned, my heart rate was increasing.

But, if you might want to explore who you are, that is something we will absolutely support you in, and we absolutely will not tell your parents anything about what you might have said or done in relation to that. We know your parents all really care about you, some of us ourselves had a hard time coming out even to ourself, and seeing others like us helped immensely, I know seeing other lesbians for the first time did for me… I didn’t really hear much after this, my brain was shutting down processing of audio now.

They knew. Somehow they knew. Somehow my parents knew. Somehow how they knew and sent me here. I had never told anyone, not even the walls. I had been careful. There was no way. My heart rate was still spiking. Lily looked over at me and noticed and quietly reached her hand under the table and took mine that was clenched tightly. Hey she whispered, breathe, it’s ok. Whatever it is, it will be ok. Marie also noticed on the other side of the table, I didn’t care, I got up and rushed outside, kind of unsteadily, Lily followed, and so did George who was at the back of the room near the exit I took.

Hey, are you ok? George asked.

I was definitely not ok and couldn’t even say that much, George ran back inside, and grabbed a paper bag and came back out, and put a hand on my shoulder and held the bag to my face while Lily stood on the other side of me holding my hand, still clenched in to a fist.

I finally started breathing in to the sack George held to my face, and they encouraged me to take slow, deep breaths, I was hyperventilated and needed to calm down. Slowly my heart-rate returned to normal, and my visioned cleared.

Hey there, it was Billy right?

I nodded, still breathing in to the bag

Marie had finally made it to the door, thanks George, I’ve got this, you run back inside too Lily. She came over and sat down next to me. Hey she said

Hey, I managed, did you know

So, yes I knew you were one of the ones who had seen only the discrete brochure, its part of my job to help those kids in the first year cabin, and I would’ve been out sooner, but another kid in our cabin needed reassuring too. No one’s mad, no one’s going to giggle or titter when you come back inside, if you do. We have someone run out just about every year at that, most come back ultimately, but only if they absolutely want to, and a few do wind up going home early.

And yes your parents suspected something, what, I do not know, we do not ask them to tell us more than that, but they wanted you to have a chance to explore that in a safe place, and I want to talk about it with you, or if not me, any other counselor or Penny will too.

How could they know?

It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me, but, know what sweetie?

That I want to be a girl I said quietly and then immediately. oh shit I said it

Language she chided, but with a bit of mirth in her voice. Its ok if you want me to forget that, and I will if you want, but if you want to be a girl here, you literally can just be a girl here, no one will stop you.

But, I’d be an ugly girl.

She laughed, no, you would be cute, but, I get that. I thought I would be an ugly girl too.

My eyes opened like saucers. Wait, are you trans?

Yup, started in Caterpillar just like you a decade ago, as a discrete brochure recipient myself, I don’t usually wear it on my badge on the first day, but, that bit is done now, and she grabbed a sticker from her pocket and put a trans pride flag on her badge, with the words she/her on it. There we go, it’s not to trick people. It is just to get a sense of the campers first, for my safety. Occasionally a first year arrives who is not a fit for this camp, for whatever reason, and I like to be a bit cautious at first.

I nodded quietly

So, are you ready to go back in? Marie asked, Do you want to reintroduce yourself? Thats a rule that Penny went over during the spiel a bit ago, respect people’s names and pronouns as best you can, even if they change them mid week, even if they change them multiple times

I uh, not yet, I need time to think

Totally understandable, then for now, this stays between us, ok?

I nodded quietly, and she got up and offered me a hand.

We went inside, and no one even turned to look our way, they were singing the camp song, and Marie joined in and nodded at George who nodded back, and even I joined in faintly.

Ok everyone! Penny said from the podium, anyone who wants to attend camp fire be out on the lawn in half an hour! Free to do what you need to til then.

Lily immediately came over and said are you ok Billy?

I blushed, yeah, Im ok, just kind of need to think for awhile.

Are you still coming to campfire she said, looking at me with puppy dog eyes

Yes, Im coming, I laughed, you are very good at that by the way

Thanks, Daddy says I could wrap anyone around my little finger, but mostly Im too shy

You ok Marie asked? See you at the campfire?

Yup!

Ok, I’ve got some stuff to do before then, see you both there. George nodded my way and said, Same, see you there campers! and both headed out.

Lily and I walked out on to the large porch, and amazingly there were still some seats left and we sat down next to each other.

Are you ok? Is this about the discrete brochure thing?

I uh, yeah, Im ok Lily I think, I just, I really do need to think more before I say anything else about it.

Hrmmm… ok. But you will tell me when you’re ready?

I laughed, absolutely Lily

We chatted about plans for the week, Lily had her schedule copy out and was highlighting things, and she insisted we go back inside real quick and sign up for auditions tomorrow night. 7:15 for her, 7:20 for me. The sign up sheet was clear we didn’t need to have anything prepared.

Before long a trio of the staff had tiki torches lit, and were getting kids to line up, and the sun was already setting. They walked us past the other set of cabins, and the theater, and on to a slightly narrower path, single file, and to the campfire ring, not too much farther on down, set in to the hillside overlooking the lake, a big fire pit was already lit and blazing.

George popped out from behind a bit of wall to one side of the sloped seating, after we were all seated, Hiya campers! he called loudly.

Hiya George! every camper, myself included called back. The staff proceeded to do extremely silly campfire skits that had us in stitches before they were done.

We ended it by singing a song I had heard, except the lyrics were very different, instead of Vespers, it was the irreverent Wetspers

Softly falls the rain today
As our campsite floats away.
Silently, each kid should ask
Did I bring my SCUBA mask?
Have I tied my tent flaps down,
Learned to swim so I won't drown,
Oh, have I done, and will I try
Everything to keep me dry?

Which we all laughed to, fortunately, the forecast for the week was sunny and wonderful, and here in the Pacific Northwest that was not a given.

We walked back to our cabins, people splitting off from the line as we went, it was thoroughly dark now, but there were lights on the cabins, and the trails were well maintained. Im glad I brought my flashlight I thought, I forgot how dark it gets out here.

Lily and I made it back to our cabin, a few others had arrived a bit before us, and one kid had decided to skip it, after supper had been less than kind to her. The cabin was filled with chatter til 10:30 when Marie arrived back, and said ok kiddos, lights out time! I suspect it won’t be an issue, but please stay in the cabins after lights out unless theres an emergency.

We were all really tired, and got our in our bunks, with Marie taking a single decker bunk right next to the door.

It took a bit for the room to quiet down, it had been an exciting day, but I mostly just laid there and stared at the ceiling. I had said it, out loud, and it did appear like this would be a safe place, but could I? Really? I wasn’t trans, I just wished I was a girl. Thats perfectly normal, right?

I drifted off in to a deeper sleep than I expected, but fairly dream filled. I was dressed in a dress, and I was being tormented, but then Marie and George showed up and drove the bullies off. There were other dreams, but most were far more nonsensical and unmemorable.

Monday